Anonymous wrote:Sigh. So many women have a problem when their spouses have a relationship with any other adult. Put the brother to work and be glad your husband has a sibling who enjoys his company. Your husband probably likes having his brother around because it keeps you from micro-managing him all the time.

The loser BIL comes over all the time and crashes on their couch.

I would be so annoyed. My spouse has a lot of friends but they don't do this.

The BIL sounds depressed and needs help.

Sigh. So many women have a problem when their spouses have a relationship with any other adult. Put the brother to work and be glad your husband has a sibling who enjoys his company. Your husband probably likes having his brother around because it keeps you from micro-managing him all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone, OP here. Appreciate your suggestions. Of course BIL came over this morning unannounced so I told him and DH to entertain the kids for awhile. The were good for about 15 mins and then the kids came looking for me for a snack and it was over. I guess that's better than nothing.

Totally agree that he would probably benefit from some type of therapy but DH has causally mentioned it (i.e. just having someone to talk to) but he shut it down. DH has also told him he needs to find a hobby, join a gym, or even volunteer to fill some time but he always has an excuse why those things don't work.

And he does actually have friends who did invite him out when he first moved back, but after blowing them off so many times they have kind of given up. He is 42 and at that age all of his friends are married and most have kids and they invite him to dinner or to grab 1-2 drinks, which he things is lame and boring since he prefers to go out late and drink way too much (probably another sign that he is depressed). No clue why he wants to hang out with us so much since we are definitely boring, but I guess it's just different with family.

I hope things change soon!

Hope is not a plan.

HA! I was just about to type that exact line and then scrolled down!

OP, you have to step up and do something. This will not get better magically on its own. You've got to "go big" with him.
You and your husband need to have a sit down with him:
--he can come over for dinner on Thursday and Sunday evenings. Arrive by 5:30, leave by 8pm
--if he shows up at other times, you will not answer the door or you will all leave the house
--tell him he is showing many signs of depression. Offer the names and phone numbers of 2 therapists in your area.
--if he balks, tell him he needs to make an appointment with one anyway just to rule it out

Stick to your boundaries. He will do everything he can to push them. He won't leave at 8pm and will try to stay. At 7:55pm, walk him to the door and thank him for coming.

Do it.

Excellent strategy. OP, heed this one. Show it to your husband. It truly is mostly on your husband to take the lead and be more direct here. I do think it's very good that your husband has already told his brother that you need space -- it's good that DH didn't expect you to handle it because his brother is his job -- but now it's time to up the game as described above.

If BIL acts offended and hurt, and pulls some variation on "Oh, so I'm only good enough to see twice a week? I bug you that much?" -- well, think in advance how you will respond to that if it's his reaction so it doesn't blindside your husband. It's perfectly fine, and smart, to script what DH is going to say so there's no need to improvise -- which can end up turning into caving in to BIL.

If BIL turns up at the door unannounced again after this discussion: DH answers the door. If doable, DH has car keys in his hand. "Sorry, bro, I'm just heading out myself and Wife is busy with the kids right now. Why don't you walk out to the car with me?" If DH actually has time, DH could add, "Let's each drive to the diner around the corner and get something to eat. I've got half an hour before I have to be back here to take Janie to (activity)." A quick coffee and DH leaves. That can't happen every time, of course, but the general idea is that BIL is stopped at the door, and when possible, DH has some bro-time with him, just the two of them, in a neutral third place that isn't your home and which DH can leave on his own schedule and on his own wheels.

If DH makes some time to meet BIL places outside home they can possibly really talk rather than BIL flopping on the couch and you fuming while you handle the kids. It's easier to say, "Well, I need to head out now" when you're out somewhere than to say, "Well, we really need to do some things with the kids" in your home and hope someone takes the hint to leave.

I also agree that BIL might be depressed and in need of medical help.

BIL could turn into a great uncle to have around if he gets past the need to simply "be" at your house and instead gets into spending less time, but more focused time, with your family. Try asking him to kids' events if your kids are old enough to be in school events or sports etc. "Hey, Bobby has game on Saturday at 3:00. Why don't you meet us at the ball park for the game? He would be glad to see you there. Afterward we will get ice cream and you could come. We have to leave for (whatever) after ice cream but it would be nice for Bobby to see Uncle X there." Neutral third place, a nice invitation, focus on your child and not on BIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone, OP here. Appreciate your suggestions. Of course BIL came over this morning unannounced so I told him and DH to entertain the kids for awhile. The were good for about 15 mins and then the kids came looking for me for a snack and it was over. I guess that's better than nothing.

Totally agree that he would probably benefit from some type of therapy but DH has causally mentioned it (i.e. just having someone to talk to) but he shut it down. DH has also told him he needs to find a hobby, join a gym, or even volunteer to fill some time but he always has an excuse why those things don't work.

And he does actually have friends who did invite him out when he first moved back, but after blowing them off so many times they have kind of given up. He is 42 and at that age all of his friends are married and most have kids and they invite him to dinner or to grab 1-2 drinks, which he things is lame and boring since he prefers to go out late and drink way too much (probably another sign that he is depressed). No clue why he wants to hang out with us so much since we are definitely boring, but I guess it's just different with family.

I hope things change soon!

Hope is not a plan.

HA! I was just about to type that exact line and then scrolled down!

OP, you have to step up and do something. This will not get better magically on its own. You've got to "go big" with him.
You and your husband need to have a sit down with him:
--he can come over for dinner on Thursday and Sunday evenings. Arrive by 5:30, leave by 8pm
--if he shows up at other times, you will not answer the door or you will all leave the house
--tell him he is showing many signs of depression. Offer the names and phone numbers of 2 therapists in your area.
--if he balks, tell him he needs to make an appointment with one anyway just to rule it out

Stick to your boundaries. He will do everything he can to push them. He won't leave at 8pm and will try to stay. At 7:55pm, walk him to the door and thank him for coming.

Do it.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone, OP here. Appreciate your suggestions. Of course BIL came over this morning unannounced so I told him and DH to entertain the kids for awhile. The were good for about 15 mins and then the kids came looking for me for a snack and it was over. I guess that's better than nothing.

Totally agree that he would probably benefit from some type of therapy but DH has causally mentioned it (i.e. just having someone to talk to) but he shut it down. DH has also told him he needs to find a hobby, join a gym, or even volunteer to fill some time but he always has an excuse why those things don't work.

And he does actually have friends who did invite him out when he first moved back, but after blowing them off so many times they have kind of given up. He is 42 and at that age all of his friends are married and most have kids and they invite him to dinner or to grab 1-2 drinks, which he things is lame and boring since he prefers to go out late and drink way too much (probably another sign that he is depressed). No clue why he wants to hang out with us so much since we are definitely boring, but I guess it's just different with family.

I hope things change soon!

"Go see your dad and uncle - they're in charge of snack right now."

Or leave the house. Come on, OP, you have to sack up here.

Start giving him chores. I'll bet two things happen, you will get help and he'll come over less.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone, OP here. Appreciate your suggestions. Of course BIL came over this morning unannounced so I told him and DH to entertain the kids for awhile. The were good for about 15 mins and then the kids came looking for me for a snack and it was over. I guess that's better than nothing.

Totally agree that he would probably benefit from some type of therapy but DH has causally mentioned it (i.e. just having someone to talk to) but he shut it down. DH has also told him he needs to find a hobby, join a gym, or even volunteer to fill some time but he always has an excuse why those things don't work.

And he does actually have friends who did invite him out when he first moved back, but after blowing them off so many times they have kind of given up. He is 42 and at that age all of his friends are married and most have kids and they invite him to dinner or to grab 1-2 drinks, which he things is lame and boring since he prefers to go out late and drink way too much (probably another sign that he is depressed). No clue why he wants to hang out with us so much since we are definitely boring, but I guess it's just different with family.

I hope things change soon!

Hope is not a plan.

Thanks everyone, OP here. Appreciate your suggestions. Of course BIL came over this morning unannounced so I told him and DH to entertain the kids for awhile. The were good for about 15 mins and then the kids came looking for me for a snack and it was over. I guess that's better than nothing.

Totally agree that he would probably benefit from some type of therapy but DH has causally mentioned it (i.e. just having someone to talk to) but he shut it down. DH has also told him he needs to find a hobby, join a gym, or even volunteer to fill some time but he always has an excuse why those things don't work.

And he does actually have friends who did invite him out when he first moved back, but after blowing them off so many times they have kind of given up. He is 42 and at that age all of his friends are married and most have kids and they invite him to dinner or to grab 1-2 drinks, which he things is lame and boring since he prefers to go out late and drink way too much (probably another sign that he is depressed). No clue why he wants to hang out with us so much since we are definitely boring, but I guess it's just different with family.

I hope things change soon!

He really does sound depressed so I wouldn't want to cut him off completely.
I agree with the suggestion to put both men to work.

Anonymous wrote:I see the issue is your DH -- why is it that he can't assist with the kids and household when your BIL is around? Also, if BIL is coming over that often -- ask for him to help.

I agree. I'd put both of them to work. "BIL, can you help Larlo do this puzzle while DH makes the salad for dinner? Thanks!"

I see the issue is your DH -- why is it that he can't assist with the kids and household when your BIL is around? Also, if BIL is coming over that often -- ask for him to help.

Does your husband have any friends he can introduce him to? Even if they aren't super close friends of your husband, even just acquaintances to try and get him some friends? Maybe the two of them could sign up for a weekend softball league or something that might introduce your BIL to other people? Getting him to sign up for activities or hobby classes or involved in a gym or something might help give him that push. Might be a pain to keep encouraging it but it might pay off in the long run.

If you are really frustrated you can be serious when he comes to the door when you already said not to come because you are busy and turn him away right then and there.

He's depressed. Can you find him help?

Just wanted to vent about my BIL since he is making me crazy. He is 6 years older than my DH and moved back to DC after living in another city for a few years. He really doesn't have much going for him in life at the moment (no job, girlfriend, not even any friends from what I can tell) so I feel bad and really want to be nice to him, but he always overstays his welcome and is just around way too much because he has nothing else going on. He would come over every day of the week if we let him and hang out for hours (he often falls asleep on our couch). He makes the excuse that he wants to see our kids to make up for when he wasn't around, except that when he comes over it always ends up with me hanging out with the kids, and him and DH off doing something else. DH works from home and the worst part is that half the time I get home from work after a long day to find BIL on our couch -- then I get to put the kids to bed, cook dinner, clean up while they have some drinks and watch TV. Seriously WTF.

The worst part is that I feel like we have become almost like a crutch for him to fall back on so he doesn't make any effort to hang out with his old friends, go on dates, look for a job, etc. He got a decent settlement from his last job so he is just living off of that for now.

I've tried talking to DH and he says he understands where I am coming from and has actually made an effort to tell his bro we are busy and can't hang out, so now he just shows up at our house and says he was in the neighborhood and wanted to say hi, even if we said we are busy. DH had a talk with him last weekend and said we need some space and time alone, and BIL said he gets it but is feeling lonely and really needs his bro right now... but would try to come over a little less. Well that lasted for like 2 days and now he has dropped by for 3 days in a row.

Okay rant over... thanks for listening!