Anonymous wrote:Wasn't your sister trying to help? I feel you have jumped down her throat for nothing. But I (also) can't make too much sense of that bit.

Oh ... and I can't imagine ever saying "urrgh! I hate this woman" about my sister. Never in a million years. There's more to this story, right?

Wasn't your sister trying to help? I feel you have jumped down her throat for nothing. But I (also) can't make too much sense of that bit.

Guys, easy. Don't roast me! FYI, that part of the world domestic violence is very common but divorce is not. I have helped my mom the best I can, if that makes me a selfish person I take it any day. The person I was ranting about is my sister.

What's a PIL ?

Honesty is always the best. If anyone finds the situation uncomfortable, they'll just have to deal.

You realize you could have headed a lot of this off before they visited. Why didn't you tell them your parents are separated and it's been kept quiet as your parent's request. You are mad, but it is not your sister's fault. You could have gotten out in front of this mess and cut it off before it even became an issue.

Now you are going to make them think you are hiding things from them.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe ranting here will make me feel better. My parents had a bitter informal separation about 5 years ago but so far we as a family have kept it in the down low esp with the in-laws from my side due to culture and religion differences. After separation, my dad kept the family home while my siblings bought my mom a new home three hours away that my dad doesn't know about. They are both happy than they were when they were together and we are not worried to waking to news that my mom has been murdered or in ICU as a result of domestic violence.

My PIL are currently visiting my native country where my parents and some of my siblings live and they have expressed desire to meet my parents and any other family member who might be available. My brother's wife has suggested that we stage manage the visit by having my mother visit my dad's place the morning of to avoid "washing our dirty linen in public," but my mom feels that this is hypocrisy that she doesn't want to be part of. My mom however requested me to give her time to think of alternatives. I suggested they meet at a neutral place like at one of my brother's place but I could sense the uneasyness on my siblings side. When I spoke to my older sister yesterday I requested her to let me talk to my parents, my others siblings and my husband to find a common ground but my sister went ahead to tell my dad that my in-laws were in town already and they planned on visiting him in his house. When I called my dad this morning I found that my sister's big mouth was also trying to arrange a date for the meeting. I so hate my sister right now. It was not in her place. And yes, I called her to tell her that but she doesn't see where she crossed the boundary. I feel like cutting her off!!

Who needs this to be on the downlow? It sounds like it is you (since this is especially for your inlaws). It sounds like your mom wants to be free of it all. If so, please help your mom rather than spending time trying to hide things from your in-laws.

Anonymous wrote:This will be hard for us Americans to help with, I think. There is no shame in divorce. There is tons of shame in perpetrating domestic violence.

+1
And unless you are being facetious about cutting your sister off, I'm confused about how divorce is the end of the world but cutting off a sibling is fine. Unless you will continue to pretend to like her at family gatherings. This is too much OP. Break away.

I think the cue here is "cultural differences"... Pakistan or Bangladesh come to mind... I might be wrong though.

to OP, I hope venting helped, but you cant get any useful advice without some explanations here...

Your father may kill your mother, but all you care about is that your inlaws don't know that they have split? You sound like a horrible, selfish person.

This will be hard for us Americans to help with, I think. There is no shame in divorce. There is tons of shame in perpetrating domestic violence.

You want your mother to maintain a pretense of still being in a committed marriage to her abuser for the sake of what, your appearance to your in-laws? I get that there are apparently cultural differences going on here, but please tell me you see how messed up that is. You're right that it wasn't your sister's place to get involved, but what she did is such a very small part of a completely dysfunctional dynamic that I don't feel like she's really the one to blame here.

I am finding your post very confusing, maybe it's just me but cannot follow.

If there is domestic abuse, as you have implied, it is ridiculous to force your mother to go along with this charade at all. I don't see what the big deal is in having your mom come to a sib's house to do the visit. Or meet at a restaurant.

I'm confused just reading this.

Your father is sufficiently violent that you are concealing from him the address of your mother, his legal wife, and yet not helping her get a divorce?

I side with your mom. Cut the hypocrisy and leave the poor woman alone.

Maybe ranting here will make me feel better. My parents had a bitter informal separation about 5 years ago but so far we as a family have kept it in the down low esp with the in-laws from my side due to culture and religion differences. After separation, my dad kept the family home while my siblings bought my mom a new home three hours away that my dad doesn't know about. They are both happy than they were when they were together and we are not worried to waking to news that my mom has been murdered or in ICU as a result of domestic violence.

My PIL are currently visiting my native country where my parents and some of my siblings live and they have expressed desire to meet my parents and any other family member who might be available. My brother's wife has suggested that we stage manage the visit by having my mother visit my dad's place the morning of to avoid "washing our dirty linen in public," but my mom feels that this is hypocrisy that she doesn't want to be part of. My mom however requested me to give her time to think of alternatives. I suggested they meet at a neutral place like at one of my brother's place but I could sense the uneasyness on my siblings side. When I spoke to my older sister yesterday I requested her to let me talk to my parents, my others siblings and my husband to find a common ground but my sister went ahead to tell my dad that my in-laws were in town already and they planned on visiting him in his house. When I called my dad this morning I found that my sister's big mouth was also trying to arrange a date for the meeting. I so hate my sister right now. It was not in her place. And yes, I called her to tell her that but she doesn't see where she crossed the boundary. I feel like cutting her off!!