Anonymous
Post 01/25/2015 03:44     Subject: Re:SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe she is depressed. Is this an open-ended arrangement? Maybe you and your husband could sit down with her and help her come up with a game plan.


This. She needs to see a psychologist. Perhaps just getting on some antidepressants temporarily will help. Something like Wellbutrin (as opposed to SSRIs) that tends to have a stimulating effect (instead of a foggy effect) and is less associated with withdrawal (like SSRIs).

Tell her that she's fine living there so long as she (1) sees a psychologist or at least asks her primary care doctor about taking an antidepressant (2) starts a daily routine (that includes some kind of physical exercise to help her get motivated) and (3) hits weekly targets of job searching (i.e. sends out 2 or 3 resumes a week). Even if she sends out resumes to jobs she doesn't get or is lukewarm about, the ACT of sending out resumes will get her into a mindset that searching for a job is an active process, not a passive one.

If you really want to help her, you need to put conditions on the free room and board.


Let's not jump to insisting she go on antidepressants. That is a big decision, and if her depression is more situation-based, the maybe she should focus on changing the situation or coping with it instead of trying to numb herself with drugs. I do agree that seeing a therapist would be helpful if she has insurance. I have been readily prescribed anti depressants in the past while in a similar situation and I feel that they are not always helpful, and they can be very difficult to get off of. I think it's normal to feel a little depressed about a job loss, so be wary that she doesn't think you're sending her the message that there is something inherently wrong with her that needs to be fixed.
Anonymous
Post 01/25/2015 03:37     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Anonymous wrote:Is she on unemployment? The good thing about being on UE is that you are required to submit with your claim every week three job to which you have applied and keep a record of your job search efforts, as least in my state. I found this very motivating to job search even when I was depressed.

Maybe you should encourage her to start a record of her search she should set a goal with a reward after that. Like, one application submitted and I get to watch tv for half an hour or call a friend to chat.


This is a horrible idea and would definitely make her resent you. I don't know what field she's in, but it may make her feel better to get a job waiting tables or something where at least she can get out of the house, socialize with other people and earn some cash so she doesn't feel like a completely helpless person. But unfortunately this is a really bad time for 20-somethings with little work experience to find a job. It may take a while for her to get a break somewhere.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 12:07     Subject: Re:SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe she is depressed. Is this an open-ended arrangement? Maybe you and your husband could sit down with her and help her come up with a game plan.


This. She needs to see a psychologist. Perhaps just getting on some antidepressants temporarily will help. Something like Wellbutrin (as opposed to SSRIs) that tends to have a stimulating effect (instead of a foggy effect) and is less associated with withdrawal (like SSRIs).

Tell her that she's fine living there so long as she (1) sees a psychologist or at least asks her primary care doctor about taking an antidepressant (2) starts a daily routine (that includes some kind of physical exercise to help her get motivated) and (3) hits weekly targets of job searching (i.e. sends out 2 or 3 resumes a week). Even if she sends out resumes to jobs she doesn't get or is lukewarm about, the ACT of sending out resumes will get her into a mindset that searching for a job is an active process, not a passive one.

If you really want to help her, you need to put conditions on the free room and board.


Before you start micromanaging her day, does she even have health insurance?
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 12:02     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Shes also 24 so its not like she was deep I to a career path. For a year or so after college I managed a retail store before figuring out what I really wanted to do. Not glamorous but it was a job and I got paid while figuring out what to do next.

Sit with her and talk about the great position she is in. If she takes a job, almost any job she could be setting aside some money while she figures out whats next and be in a better financial position to get started.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 11:44     Subject: Re:SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like maybe she is depressed. Is this an open-ended arrangement? Maybe you and your husband could sit down with her and help her come up with a game plan.


This. She needs to see a psychologist. Perhaps just getting on some antidepressants temporarily will help. Something like Wellbutrin (as opposed to SSRIs) that tends to have a stimulating effect (instead of a foggy effect) and is less associated with withdrawal (like SSRIs).

Tell her that she's fine living there so long as she (1) sees a psychologist or at least asks her primary care doctor about taking an antidepressant (2) starts a daily routine (that includes some kind of physical exercise to help her get motivated) and (3) hits weekly targets of job searching (i.e. sends out 2 or 3 resumes a week). Even if she sends out resumes to jobs she doesn't get or is lukewarm about, the ACT of sending out resumes will get her into a mindset that searching for a job is an active process, not a passive one.

If you really want to help her, you need to put conditions on the free room and board.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 11:26     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Anonymous wrote:
My husband took 18 months to get a job after he was let go from his old one. He went through periods of low activity when there were no job offers in his field, and periods of high activity where he had a ton of interviews.

You can perhaps ask to discuss her plans to apply for jobs. How does she do it, what could she be missing perhaps, etc.


But in the meantime while searching for her "dream" job, she could do something like retail or fast food!
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 11:23     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.

My husband took 18 months to get a job after he was let go from his old one. He went through periods of low activity when there were no job offers in his field, and periods of high activity where he had a ton of interviews.

You can perhaps ask to discuss her plans to apply for jobs. How does she do it, what could she be missing perhaps, etc.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 11:19     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Is she on unemployment? The good thing about being on UE is that you are required to submit with your claim every week three job to which you have applied and keep a record of your job search efforts, as least in my state. I found this very motivating to job search even when I was depressed.

Maybe you should encourage her to start a record of her search she should set a goal with a reward after that. Like, one application submitted and I get to watch tv for half an hour or call a friend to chat.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 10:47     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Anonymous wrote:My SIL moved in with us after she lost her job and couldn't afford to live on her own. The first month she seemed to be applying to jobs and talking about what her plans are, but she hasn't been on an interview and for the past 4 months, there have been no signs of applying.

My husband and I both work so we are gone most of the day. But SIL hasn't really left the house since before Christmas. Its not that she's living with us that is the problem, we have the space and she helps out a lot with cleaning and household chores. But she has contributed nothing financially to assist.

We pay for all the food, rent, electrical, etc. I just worry she has lost her way or motivation. My husband keeps saying she has no where to go and its her age. Shes 24. I don't want her on the street but for her sake, I'd like her to go on a walk, get some fresh air, apply for some jobs and start living her life.


She is contributing. That is good. Concentrate on that.

Where are you located? You may be able to plug her into some help. In Vienna, there is the Women's Center that is set up to help women in exactly her spot.
http://www.thewomenscenter.org
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 10:34     Subject: Re:SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
PP here. Posted before OP's second post. Yeah, I agree with your assessment. Maybe she should see her physician to see if something is going on and maybe he/she could refer to her to a psychiatrist and/or counselor. She is lucky to have supportive family members to help her through this.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 10:34     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
She could at least earn money babysitting or something. It sounds like she's lazy and/or scared to pound the pavement. You need to lay down the law.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 10:32     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
She could be depressed. What line of work was she in before? Is it really hard to get back in to?

I'd probably offer to help with a resume, or send links to employment sites. But I completely understand if you don't have time for that. It's just an easy segue into talking about her employment in more depth.

Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 10:30     Subject: Re:SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Sounds like maybe she is depressed. Is this an open-ended arrangement? Maybe you and your husband could sit down with her and help her come up with a game plan.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 10:29     Subject: Re:SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
Sorry pressed submit before I was done, she does talk to me sometimes usually in tears about how she's a burden on us and she doesn't want to live this way anymore. It breaks my heart. I want to tell her with my husband that we need her to work, but I don't want to hurt her in anyway or make her feel unwelcome. As I said before, she is more than welcome here.

I wanted some advice on how to say get up and get a job tactfully and so she knows she's welcome here and our casa is her casa.

I just think she is depressed maybe. And want to go lightly with this situation.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 10:25     Subject: SIL living with us for 5 months now and no sign of a job.
My SIL moved in with us after she lost her job and couldn't afford to live on her own. The first month she seemed to be applying to jobs and talking about what her plans are, but she hasn't been on an interview and for the past 4 months, there have been no signs of applying.

My husband and I both work so we are gone most of the day. But SIL hasn't really left the house since before Christmas. Its not that she's living with us that is the problem, we have the space and she helps out a lot with cleaning and household chores. But she has contributed nothing financially to assist.

We pay for all the food, rent, electrical, etc. I just worry she has lost her way or motivation. My husband keeps saying she has no where to go and its her age. Shes 24. I don't want her on the street but for her sake, I'd like her to go on a walk, get some fresh air, apply for some jobs and start living her life.