Grandparents get to decide how much time they spend with their grandchildren until it hits the "too much" line for the child's parents and the parents get to draw that line.

You can't get them to do more than they want. BTDT. It took me a long time to figure that out. My parents and my in-laws chose to be vacation and holiday grandparents rather than more hands on. They were not really interested in developing a relationship. It was somewhat of a bait and switch based on indications before we had children. For my in-laws it was because they were burnt out (our eldest was their 10th) and then medical issues impacted it. For my parents, our eldest was the first, but they still chose the V&H route.

I would suggest to find replacements and if you are lucky you will.

You also need to come to peace with your relocation here. I doubt it was to be by MIL, but whatever set of reasons they are done and you need to make the best of it. Without prissy MIL and her games.

Anonymous wrote:I admire that you still pursue her company despite her not liking you. Honestly, I would be psyched if my mean MIL never visited us.

Well, I sit through an awkward dinner once every 6 weeks and drop him off on the rate occasions they want to see him. I make my husband do as much as possible. He works a lot. If it were up to me I'd never see her again, but I can't take away the only grandparent DS has in the area, no matter how infrequently they request his company.

I admire that you still pursue her company despite her not liking you. Honestly, I would be psyched if my mean MIL never visited us.

Thanks everyone, it has been helpful to know I'm not alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't push relationships. If my father (who is angry at me for not being friends with his ex-wife (who is not my mother)) wants to spend time with my daughters then he can reach out. The kids will be fine not having a relationship with him. They have people of all generations in their lives.

Sometimes family is the family you're born into and sometimes it's the family you create among friends.

I know, it's just so hard. I left my friends and family and have really struggled here. I just want my son to have a living family. I had a flaky grandma and it really hurt me.

If you were hurt by a flaky granny, then it's because your parents were giving you too much info. Instead of "Susie, Granny's coming today! Oops, I guess she forgot/was busy..." they should have been all "Oh my gosh Susie, look! Granny's here!" Then you'd just have been happy to see her when she showed up.

It was a bit different in my case because I was 11 when in started (coinciding with the birth of a shiny, new grandbaby) but I get your point. The kid won't miss what he doesn't know!

It's her loss.

I will tell you the same thing I told a good friend of mine whose in laws talked all the time about wanting to spend time with family, but never did. Smile, nod, and drop it. She did not follow my advice and pushed her in laws into a relationship. Now she can't get right of them. Drop it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't push relationships. If my father (who is angry at me for not being friends with his ex-wife (who is not my mother)) wants to spend time with my daughters then he can reach out. The kids will be fine not having a relationship with him. They have people of all generations in their lives.

Sometimes family is the family you're born into and sometimes it's the family you create among friends.

I know, it's just so hard. I left my friends and family and have really struggled here. I just want my son to have a living family. I had a flaky grandma and it really hurt me.

If you were hurt by a flaky granny, then it's because your parents were giving you too much info. Instead of "Susie, Granny's coming today! Oops, I guess she forgot/was busy..." they should have been all "Oh my gosh Susie, look! Granny's here!" Then you'd just have been happy to see her when she showed up.

You need to pursue the path that best suits you.

In my case, I feel like my MIL is an ass and too much exposure to her could teach my children to adopt some of ass-like habits. Mine is more responsive when approached, but NEVER initiates anything and shares your MIL's need for attention/ass kissing. I consider myself lucky.

Wouldn't you rather spend time doing something fun than with being with someone who seems to disapprove of you ?

Anonymous wrote:I don't push relationships. If my father (who is angry at me for not being friends with his ex-wife (who is not my mother)) wants to spend time with my daughters then he can reach out. The kids will be fine not having a relationship with him. They have people of all generations in their lives.

Sometimes family is the family you're born into and sometimes it's the family you create among friends.

I know, it's just so hard. I left my friends and family and have really struggled here. I just want my son to have a living family. I had a flaky grandma and it really hurt me.

I don't push relationships. If my father (who is angry at me for not being friends with his ex-wife (who is not my mother)) wants to spend time with my daughters then he can reach out. The kids will be fine not having a relationship with him. They have people of all generations in their lives.

Sometimes family is the family you're born into and sometimes it's the family you create among friends.

Unfortunately, you can't force her.

Sorry about weird formatting, not sure what happened.

Backstory
We moved here when DS was 6 months old. My inlaws live less than 2 miles away.
MIL doesn't really approve of me because I didn't convert (I'm a non-vocal atheist) and I don't shower her with praise which she needs constantly. She definitely does the golden child/scapegoat routine. My husband was the golden child for years, now there is definite tension between him and his mother.
MIL calls to see grandson every 6-8 weeks and rebuffs any invites to do activities with us (she has gone out with us to do something twice in 2.5 years)
She accepts a play date at her house about half the time I offer.
I certainly expected more of a relationship with their grandson, but I didn't explicitly ask before we moved, big mistake on my part. I offered to set up a schedule (we had one with my parents back home) she just said he can come over whenever but she never answers her phone.
If anyone has been through something similar please share if you were able to get them to spend more time together or if you decided to leave it.