ILs want the spouses to feel like we're super lucky to marry into such an awesome family, but even those in the family don't get along and don't talk. It's weird.

I've been married 17 years. DH and is family are local but we met while posted overseas and dated for 1.5 years before moving back here together so I didn't know what I was getting myself into until we were well down the relationship road. I'm sure my ILs think the reason I'm not thick with them is because I must come from a 'cold' family. I'm not. My family is loud, fun and laid back. But DH's family is so overbearing that I've kept them at arm's length. They think they're so warm and welcoming but it's really schadenfeude and drama. I choose not to engage. They play mind games with DH who hasn't still has some esteem issues with his family. He's afraid of disappointing them. I'm civil, polite and respectful. I just don't allow myself to get drawn in. Call me cold if you want. I call it healthy boundaries. I know I'm not the DIL my ILs wanted but they're not the ILs I wanted either. Things got better after I had our first (of three) kids. Gave the ILs something else to focus on and I have to say they're great grandparents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seven years it is better. My MIL finally seems to see me as a person to be respected and occasionally chatted with rather than the woman who stole her son (eye roll). FIL has opened up.

And, most importantly, I let DH take the lead for about everything involving his parents *and* my expectations for my relationship with them are very low. I appreciate the ways that they are flexible and generous, but also still am surprised when I have a relatively pleasant conversation with my MIL. It is what it is.

This. After asking SIL to be in our wedding, her response was "what are we weeeeearing?" (nasal voice here). Yep, that set the stage alright.

What is wrong with to what she said? You sound difficult.

Anonymous wrote:Seven years it is better. My MIL finally seems to see me as a person to be respected and occasionally chatted with rather than the woman who stole her son (eye roll). FIL has opened up.

And, most importantly, I let DH take the lead for about everything involving his parents *and* my expectations for my relationship with them are very low. I appreciate the ways that they are flexible and generous, but also still am surprised when I have a relatively pleasant conversation with my MIL. It is what it is.

This. After asking SIL to be in our wedding, her response was "what are we weeeeearing?" (nasal voice here). Yep, that set the stage alright.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. It wasn't bad, just ... cold. I don't know my grandparents and my parents are divorced so I never had any examples of seeing how to interact with inlaws. I come from a very uptight WASPy family where everyone is very formal and polite. My DH talks to his parents almost every day. They're huggers. We didn't really gel at first. Like, for the first several years. It got better as DH and I got closer. It got downright good when we had our first child, and they were so respectful of how I wanted things done. I really, really appreciated that. I am still not 100% hugging them every time we see each other, but I get that it's important to them and can do it without creating an awkward moment.

This is us. DH is from the (icy, in his case) cold family, and I am from the warm, fun, hard working family. It is brutal, I am not going to lie. The brutal part is (for example) at holidays, we have to involve more people, because DH's family can't carry the holidays, without more social, warm people involved. Also, when it comes time for "vacation", DHs family doesn't really talk to each other. The ILs (who married in, like me) are the fun members, who keep any conversation going. Otherwise, they would just sit around and have their face in a book. To someone that has grown up polar opposite (we read, but not at the expense of interaction), it is a bit hellish.

It is odd to be part of a family that claims to be close but really is not. They kind of look out for themselves. That is, when all is said and done, one feels the whole arrangement was for MIL to say who showed up - bragging rights.

I wish I knew what to say, OP. You can choose to participate or not. Are they kind to you and DH? Do they have a positive or negative history with DH (and how they treated him)? If it is a negative history, do they admit it? Do they make amends? Do they make the effort? In DH's family, they have a strange "hierarchy", that in reality, as everyone is grown, would be reversed completely. DH's family really seems to resent DH.

This makes it hard for me to answer your question, if everyone in your DHs family is a positive force; as my DH does not have that. But I wanted to empathize with having strangely opposite families.

Improves as ILs mellow out and/or the kids grow up more. The worst periods for us were newlywed years and after the kids were first born and still young.

Mine has gotten worse. Failure to produce the male heir they want. Needless to say, the incessant comments regarding that subject have not helped the relationship.

Seven years it is better. My MIL finally seems to see me as a person to be respected and occasionally chatted with rather than the woman who stole her son (eye roll). FIL has opened up.

And, most importantly, I let DH take the lead for about everything involving his parents *and* my expectations for my relationship with them are very low. I appreciate the ways that they are flexible and generous, but also still am surprised when I have a relatively pleasant conversation with my MIL. It is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:Ours has been chilly for 17 years. But we all try our best.

Holy shit, 17 years? I'm on 7 of ice cold. I guess there is no hope of them ever turning around?

Ours has been chilly for 17 years. But we all try our best.

Yes. It wasn't bad, just ... cold. I don't know my grandparents and my parents are divorced so I never had any examples of seeing how to interact with inlaws. I come from a very uptight WASPy family where everyone is very formal and polite. My DH talks to his parents almost every day. They're huggers. We didn't really gel at first. Like, for the first several years. It got better as DH and I got closer. It got downright good when we had our first child, and they were so respectful of how I wanted things done. I really, really appreciated that. I am still not 100% hugging them every time we see each other, but I get that it's important to them and can do it without creating an awkward moment.

6 years in it hasn't gotten better yet. Unfortunately.

My relationship with my MIL has improved. I haven't come to love her and I still swear about her behind her back because she's awful to my husband, but she seems to like me a lot more than she used to. It doesn't have to go from bad to worse, but I've never heard of anyone coming to really love an IL that they used to hate.

I've seen multiple marriages that started off with a lot of tensions but things got better.

People were committed to being a family, and they figured out how to be together.

Has anyone started off with a bad relationship with their in-laws and then improved it? I can't ever remember hearing about anyone who came to realize they'd liked their ILs after all, or who eventually started seeing eye-to-eye. It's always from bad to worse.