Just don't do it. If the person follows up and pushes it, simply say that you've fallen out of touch and leave it at that.

Are you invited to a celebration or they simply want you to write this letter?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I think what I realized, rationally or not, is that I find it a bit hurtful to refer to me as a friend and ask something like this when it's been so clear (to both of us!) how not-there-for-me this person has been for me over the years.

If I were the sort of person who routinely blew off this kind of request it might feel differently, but in general I am not- I take this sort of thing seriously (I typically love this sort of thing, actually!) .

Personally, I would just tell your friend that you won't be doing it. I dislike these things myself, but if it was a really good friend I would do it. For a friend like you are describing, NO WAY.

Anonymous wrote:Is your distance clear to the person who made the request? If I were doing this for my sister, say, I might not know that she and her college roommate are no longer close or had a falling out.

+1 I did this for my mom and just found a mass email she'd sent a while back and emailed everyone on the list. I wouldn't have known if she'd had a falling out with someone.

Send an old pic. Or nothing. And try and forgive and move on.

Is your distance clear to the person who made the request? If I were doing this for my sister, say, I might not know that she and her college roommate are no longer close or had a falling out.

OP here. Thanks. I think what I realized, rationally or not, is that I find it a bit hurtful to refer to me as a friend and ask something like this when it's been so clear (to both of us!) how not-there-for-me this person has been for me over the years.

If I were the sort of person who routinely blew off this kind of request it might feel differently, but in general I am not- I take this sort of thing seriously (I typically love this sort of thing, actually!) .

I agree with others: either don't do it, or fudge something. I don't think it has to be long winded. It could be 2 or 3 sentences and you don't have to be over the top.

Just "forget" to write it. Why is this person still your "friend"?

Anonymous wrote:For Pete's Sake.

I've been asked to do this too, for friends I have a brittle relationship with, for FB friends I don't know that well.

This isn't rocket science.

"Larlo, You are 50/20/63 today! Wow! Can you remember when we first met back in law school/prison/reform school? You were just so skinny/nervous/self-confident and I was a little drama queen/asshole/dweeb. Look at us now! I have three kids/big house/17 cats and you are a law firm partner/parolee/Amway Salesman. Hard to believe! Love you to pieces dude! You are my rock. Love, Larla.

This is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh PP!

For Pete's Sake.

I've been asked to do this too, for friends I have a brittle relationship with, for FB friends I don't know that well.

This isn't rocket science.

"Larlo, You are 50/20/63 today! Wow! Can you remember when we first met back in law school/prison/reform school? You were just so skinny/nervous/self-confident and I was a little drama queen/asshole/dweeb. Look at us now! I have three kids/big house/17 cats and you are a law firm partner/parolee/Amway Salesman. Hard to believe! Love you to pieces dude! You are my rock. Love, Larla.

Is there a memory from your early friendship that you would want to share? If not, I agree that you can bow out.

I hate these things! My sister does this for my BIL and it's so annoying.

As others posted, you can choose to ignore (fitting under the circumstances) or do as I've done and make a (lame) list of inside jokes or memories or find a photo of the person and write a caption. I hate being told to write X about a certain person. Awkward.

Don't reply

Either do it and just write about the friendship back when it was good or just email person back declining. No need to cause any drama

I know this is more friend vs. family, but I think it's most relevant here:
A formerly close friend is celebrating a significant milestone and I was asked to write a note/letter along with other friends and family to present to her in scrapbook-esque way. While this is a great idea, this person has been a really shitty friend over the years (just completely not there- i.e., I've contacted her about really big news in my life and had no response for weeks- multiple times). To the point where I've actually spoken with her about how she's been a terrible friend, and nothing has changed.
What would you do? I almost felt like writing the person asking me and saying - are you serious?