Anonymous wrote:I think DH has to tell his mom that when you get from work, she should give the baby to you and step away. He can say that you need more time with the baby and you are the one who makes decisions about the baby. When she forgets, your DH should correct her and remind her that it's your time with the baby.

Exactly.

Yes, make the bedroom off limits, but also, make it clear that when you and DH are home, you and DH are in charge of the baby at that point. DH needs to be the one to explain this--that you and he only get so much time with the baby and that you want to enjoy it.

Also, when she brings up "how they do it in her home country," remind her that she is in a different culture now, which means making some adjustments. Are you of the same culture as your MIL? Was DH raised in the U.S.? That might shape how to frame it, but I wouldn't let her use that rationale for any statement as to how thing should be in what is ultimately your home.

Anonymous wrote:Don't use your MIL as a live-in nanny. Problem solved.

Not really. I still have to live with her. The situation is not dependent on childcare; she lived with us before and offered to take care of the baby for the first year to help out. -- OP

Don't use your MIL as a live-in nanny. Problem solved.

I think your DH can make it lighthearted and playful rather than a serious talk all about "rules" etc. Let him handle it.

I think DH has to tell his mom that when you get from work, she should give the baby to you and step away. He can say that you need more time with the baby and you are the one who makes decisions about the baby. When she forgets, your DH should correct her and remind her that it's your time with the baby.

Banning her from the bedroom is what I was going to suggest. Remind your husband that this is where you have the most sex and that it doesn't put you in the mood knowing that your MIL has just been in your space and may return at any moment.

DH needs to talk with her.

I'm the PP that suggested no bedroom. It's hard to say because it does depend on personalities involved but I would suggest being honest with her. Probably have your DH be honest with her. Just explain that you both want to have somewhere that you feel is your space, somewhere private and ask that she refrain from entering. I'm guessing she has her own room that you aren't barging in? It's such an awkward conversation to have but it might be better to be up front and honest rather than let things fester and build.
You could do what the PP suggested, but I think it can come off has cold and might end up straining your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the suggestions so far.

To the PP -- yes, banning her from our bedroom sounds like the best idea ever. I love it. But I have no idea how to do it. DH is reasonable but I don't think he will be keen on telling her she isn't allowed in our room.

Just close the door and lock it every.single.time you go in. And when she knocks asking for something you say: "I will be out in a minute Gertudre. I am putting the baby to sleep right now." Then, when you leave, you close the bedroom door behind you. Smile and be pleasant, but be firm. She will get pretty fast that bedroom is out of limits.

OP here. Thanks for the suggestions so far.

To the PP -- yes, banning her from our bedroom sounds like the best idea ever. I love it. But I have no idea how to do it. DH is reasonable but I don't think he will be keen on telling her she isn't allowed in our room.

Living with her? I could never do it!

Could you set some boundaries? I think that she is not allowed in our bedroom would be a good one. It would allow you and your DH to always have a place to go where you know you can be alone. It would give you some alone time with your DD if you wanted to just take her in there or while you do her bath.

I think deferring to the pediatrician about everything, even if its not true, is a great way to divert the blame. It makes someone else the bad guy.

As hard as it is, you have to let the little things go. Those are the things that will build and build until you can't recover. I say this knowing how hard it is to let it go.

Ignore her comments or laugh at them. I laughed at excessive stretching. Trot out the phrase "our pediatrician" as in "we'll check with our pediatrician" and "our pediatrician says it's fine".

Tell her that you don't want her to burn out, so in the evenings when you're caring for the baby, you want her to take a break and do her own thing.

Yup that is what MILs do. Just remember you will be one some day..god willing. Get a loxk on your door, buy her some movie passes and slip her a 20 and tell her to have a good time. Or move her into her own place and pay some irresponsible teenager to watch the baby. Everything has a price.

OP, I understand what you're going through. Just remember, it is naturally to be annoyed by people who are constantly in your life. We step on each others toes. It's kind of a happy problem, though, isn't it?

I think you need to pick your battles. Let the stuff that doesn't really matter go. Pick one thing for now that you want addressed, and talk to DH about how to address it. You've got a supportive husband who has a slightly different perspective. This is also a good think.

But be thankful for what you have. It's a great thing. And your child is so blessed!

PS...please forgive my typos, writing on my tiny smart phone in the dark!

Part vent, part asking for advice on how to make reconcile my MIL struggles.

I'll start with the good. As far as MILs go, I am lucky. Mine is generally kind, helpful, generous. Most significantly, she takes care of our new baby now that I'm back to work. She also helps around the house.

BUT. She drives me crazy. The biggest reason for this is that she lives with us, so she's always around. As a result many little things she does irritate the bejesus out of me. Example from today: putting our baby in sleepers many months too big.

But then there are some issues I think are a little bigger and maybe are boundary issues. She's pretty much obsessed with the baby, which means I nearly have to wrest baby away at the end of the day. Tonight I almost lost my shizz because MIL was in our bedroom when baby was crying after bath time, literally physically in my way as DH and I were trying to lotion and dress our child. She also always has comments about how "that's not how we raised kids in (her home country)." She says these things even though she thinks every little thing the baby does is something wrong ("excessive" stretching, wanting more to eat, spitting up, etc), so she's clearly uncertain.

For his part, DH will usually back me up, and has called his mom out when he saw an issue. I think the trouble is he doesn't want to take her for granted and he doesn't see as issues some of the things I do -- he just sees it as her trying to help.

I need to find some zen here, some balance that allows me to appreciate my MIL while still standing up for myself when warranted. Any ideas on how?

Thanks for reading my novel of a vent and plea for perspective.