I have been there and done that op, and if you continue you will think you are going crazy. It's not good for anyone.
II almost divorced with so much resentfment.

Cut communication with her. Tell your husband your are at your limit and you are done. Have husband handle it all and get your life back. When you see her in person and she starts shit, just leave for a walk or a drive.

Good luck op, it sucks.

Your dh is married to his mom. It's not attractive on a man.

I would ignore the advice that is encouraging you to take this. As other posters have mentioned, cut your contact with your ils as much as you can. Your dh should be the one communicating with the witch. She shouldn't be so up in your business.

You dh sounds like a winner.

I absolutely understand -- you are NOT making a mountain out of a molehill. But you are sucumbing to her game. Don't do it. Don't engage. I think the suggestions of letting your husband deal will all communication is perfect!
Use the birthday case as your out -- say that it was very upsetting to you, caused unneccesary stress and you are not going to create more drama as apparently your style of communication is confusing to the old bat. Therefore you defer to your husband and he can handle it from here.

My husband used to be extremely negative about his mom -- and i would play the devil's advocate -- now with children involved, its my turn to be appauled, and his to play the peacemaker. "Calm down" is not what I want to hear. So my tactic is to ignore and laugh like an idiot whenever she says something outrageous that is veiled like the birthday gift comment. Oh my goodness -- that's hysterical -- what an amazing miscommunication. Who would have thought that a grandmother would have been able to resist bringing her grandchild a gift. You must be really scared of me to follow my "instructions". etc.

GOOD LUCK!

Anonymous wrote:

Each individual thing by itself isn't a big deal but I feel like she has his ear and is going to cause problems for us in the future. In the past when DH and I have disagreed about something she will tell him to "put his foot down." We make decisions together and while we might not always agree we need to make decisions without outside influences. FWIW while I am close to my parents I don't talk to them about major decisions until DH and I are on the same page because ultimately the decisions are ours to make, not theirs.

I'm sorry this is so long, we have had a lot of stress recently about some major decisions and I just feel like she's going to make sure to get her opinion in there when it should be just between DH and I.

You don't have a MIL problem: you have a husband problem. The only way she will learn about major decisions you make is when HE tells her. You need to shut that down right quick. You and he are not on the same page about with whom you share intimate information. Get on the same page.

I'd say it's time to let your DH manage the relationship with his side of the family. Let all communications be through him. If she calls/emails you, tell her she needs to check with DH. It's a game but you don't have to play by her rules.

OP, you sound very stressed out. Whether it was misunderstanding or her bad memory, let it go! She made an effort and brought some presents, just thank her. It will help to preserve a piece in a family.

Anonymous wrote:One simple solution: Stop being the one to communicate with her. Let DH do it, and tell him. He gets to make gift suggestions, invite to school concerts, send cards, whatever else. Either she will behave for him, or he will have to deal with the bad behavior himself. Let him bring the kids to visit them while you do something else.

But make the ILs not your problem for the most part.

+1 That's what I do. All requests go through my husband.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Let it go. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Also, why on earth would you or your DH even ask about not bringing a gift? This was rude. Your MIL probably lied b/c she was embarrassed or confused. Who really cares? And if your DH couldn't figure out she was covering then he's a dud.

+1

In all likelihood, you're paying the passive aggressive, giving little gibes to show that your family is better than his game as well. You are just like her.

One simple solution: Stop being the one to communicate with her. Let DH do it, and tell him. He gets to make gift suggestions, invite to school concerts, send cards, whatever else. Either she will behave for him, or he will have to deal with the bad behavior himself. Let him bring the kids to visit them while you do something else.

But make the ILs not your problem for the most part.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have two choices 1) have no interactions with your MIL - but understand that DH and your children must be allowed to continue a relationship or 2) as an adult understand that she will never change, expect nothing from her and smile. It's your choice to make but make one and stick to it.

OP here. Thanks, this does help. I've been doing #2 until now but I just feel like she's interfering in our marriage now and that's why it's bothering me.

She might be interfering with your marriage but only because you are letting her. You want your husband to agree with you, to be as angred by and upset with her behavior as you are but he's not going to be. Sure, he'll get upset and say something but never to the level you'll want him too. He has spent his life getting mad at his mother for one thing or another than blocking her out and moving on. He's not about to start caring too much now that he has a family of his own. Sure it's hurtful but you know what she's like so act accordingly.

I had a similar relationship with my IL's that was only made worse by DH'a siblings. It wasn't until I finally realized the only thing I could do was accept them as they are and make every effort to make sure that all interaction with them was on my terms (when, where and for how long) and I always invite my family to be a buffer. I have also found that giving DH and the kids time alone with IL's has been a godsend. Ten years of marriage and I finally have the courage to do it and feel great about it.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Let it go. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Also, why on earth would you or your DH even ask about not bringing a gift? This was rude. Your MIL probably lied b/c she was embarrassed or confused. Who really cares? And if your DH couldn't figure out she was covering then he's a dud.

OP here. I know it sounds like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I would think the same thing if I read my post but can't you understand how sometimes A LOT of mole hills make a mountain?

Also, the only reason the fact that she didn't bring a gift even came up was because she gave us a check that we assumed was for DC's birthday. When DH thanked her she specifically told him the check was NOT for DC but was for DH and she didn't bring a gift because I told her not to.

Anonymous wrote:You have two choices 1) have no interactions with your MIL - but understand that DH and your children must be allowed to continue a relationship or 2) as an adult understand that she will never change, expect nothing from her and smile. It's your choice to make but make one and stick to it.

OP here. Thanks, this does help. I've been doing #2 until now but I just feel like she's interfering in our marriage now and that's why it's bothering me.

You have two choices 1) have no interactions with your MIL - but understand that DH and your children must be allowed to continue a relationship or 2) as an adult understand that she will never change, expect nothing from her and smile. It's your choice to make but make one and stick to it.

OP,

Let it go. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Also, why on earth would you or your DH even ask about not bringing a gift? This was rude. Your MIL probably lied b/c she was embarrassed or confused. Who really cares? And if your DH couldn't figure out she was covering then he's a dud.

My MIL has always been really passive aggressive with things since we got married. It's starting to get worse and she's starting to make little digs about me to DH. When we first got married and then when we had children I tried to make sure everything was equal between DHs family and mine. We lived out of town but I made sure they knew they were always welcome, invited them to visit as much as my family did etc. They always made excuses about why they couldn't come and came only a handful of times while my parents came and helped us at every chance they got. Even when ILs came or we visited them they hardly paid any attention to the children. Subsequently, the children are much closer to my parents than ILs and when we moved to be near family we moved closer to my family than DHs (neither is more than an hour though). When MIL complained to DH that I was excluding them by wanting to live closer to my parents (a decision DH and I made together) DH did point out that my parents have helped us much more than they have. Since then MIL has become increasingly jealous and will make negative comments to DH about me. He doesn't say anything and if I tell him it's bothering me he just says he's sorry but she didn't mean it the way I took it. She's getting worse in the things she's saying to the point of outright lies and he just brushes it off and says she doesn't mean it like that.

Each individual thing by itself isn't a big deal but I feel like she has his ear and is going to cause problems for us in the future. In the past when DH and I have disagreed about something she will tell him to "put his foot down." We make decisions together and while we might not always agree we need to make decisions without outside influences. FWIW while I am close to my parents I don't talk to them about major decisions until DH and I are on the same page because ultimately the decisions are ours to make, not theirs.

Anyway, I guess my question is how to handle things from here. Here's the most recent example: DC#4s birthday was a week ago and we had a small party. MIL/FIL were the only ones not to bring a gift for DC#4 (they did bring something for older DCs that had not come in time for Xmas but that they had intended for Xmas. DC#4 is too young to know about gifts anyway so it didn't really matter but DH was annoyed because they also did not give DC#4 anything for Xmas either, just the older children (and they DID give gifts to our niece who is the same age as DC#4). When DH said something to MIL she said when she asked me what to get DC#4 I told her to only bring a gift for the older children. That is not at ALL what happened. She never asked what to get for DC#4. She said if I don't tell her what to get she'll give money which I said was fine. Then LATER she said the gift for older DCs came too late for Xmas and asked me when she could give it to them and I told her she could bring it to the birthday party. I never said not to get a gift for DC#4 but she's blaming me for the fact that DH is upset that she didn't. When I told DH that's not what happened he believed me but says she just misunderstood. She did NOT misunderstand.

I know this one incident doesn't seem like a big deal but when things like this keep happening it's frustrating and I'm tired of her always "misunderstanding" in ways that make me look like the bad one. DH doesn't always tell me everything she says either because he knows I'll be annoyed so I don't even know half of the things she says. She meets him once a month for lunch and I used to encourage it but now I feel like she will just use the opportunity to put in little digs about me.

I'm sorry this is so long, we have had a lot of stress recently about some major decisions and I just feel like she's going to make sure to get her opinion in there when it should be just between DH and I.