Anonymous wrote:this was me, exactly. I got on Lexapro, and my whole life changed-- no more constant cringing

Me too. 10mg of lexapro and my life has changed. As pp said about he DH and DS, it is suppressed, but not eliminated. The change in my life is amazing. I only wish I started the drugs 20 years ago.

I used to be this way and I know someone who is like this now. Interestingly, I am a people-pleaser and also have ADD and anxiety, but have always associated this with anxiety, not with ADD. My son and husband with ADD could NOT CARE LESS what others think about them! Additionally, I suspect this burden may lie heavily on women, who are sensitized to care more what others think of them. It is a form of low self-esteem.

I began to care less and less what others thought of me when I had my children and had to make parenting choices, some of them controversial, life got busier and I felt more mature and confident - I am 34 now, and expect that sort of thing gets better with age!

Hang in there, OP. Repeat to yourself that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!

I think this is not uncommon with adults with ADD/ADHD. When you battle impulse control issues your whole life, and as an adult, you look back and realize how much self-control and impulsivity have been a struggle for you and how much more deliberate you have to be in social situations, it can make you very self-aware, and even self-loathing. You aren't a kindergartener shouting out of turn anymore, but you are an adult that is self-aware enough and mature enough now to realize that you might not be reading social situations perfectly, or you may have had an impulsive lapse.

I'm like this too, and I have no idea why. I was treated well as a child. I do know my mother in particular cared too much what other people think, but other than that, I don't know why I am like this.

It helps that I have a supportive spouse who really thinks the opposite way. Getting to know him and hearing his perspective and how he reacts to and thinks about things has helped a lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to realize you're not the center of everyone's universe and they're not looking at you that closely. When I run errands close to home, I often don't bring my phone. If I go for a walk for an hour, I leave my phone home. I keep the volume really low and if the phone is in a different room, I don't hear that there's an incoming text. So probably 75% of the time it takes me a while to respond.

This, OP. While you feel like your self-esteem is low -- and it very well may be -- what you are describing is a person who is convinced that everyone in the world is obsessed with them. That doesn't sound very low self-esteem to me, in fact quite the opposite. So which is it?

well low self-esteem and feeling self-conscious kind of go hand in hand. Your comment (pp) was pretty harsh and unnecessary. If this person grew up in a family feeling criticized this is a pretty normal reaction to life. It does not equate narcissism. It does mean that she has some growing to do, which by the way, we all do.

Drugs.

this was me, exactly. I got on Lexapro, and my whole life changed-- no more constant cringing

This is typical thoughts for someone with anxiety. I engage in these behaviors. Basically I simply tell myself to SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't listen to myself and I have a conversation in my head (or out loud if I'm alone) and tell myself that I'm being an idiot and not to listen. It works. If I start having an outrageous thought, I consciously don't listen to it.

My DH (also ADHD/depression/anxiety) and my oldest (6th grader/ADHD/anxiety) struggle with what you do. I strongly encourage to you work with a CBT counselor (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Your brain is wired differently. It's easy to say things like, ignore it, turn off your phone, etc.) but your brain is pre-disposed to go to the worst possible end (at least, it is if you're like my DH and DS). You have to train your brain not to take the negativity path. The part of your brain that is responsible for reasonableness is weak. The part that is responsible for fear/worry is over-trained and over-strong. You need to get some balance back into your brain and to do that you have to exercise the part that's weak and rest the part that's overly strong. That's what CBT will help you do.

If you don't already have someone to work with, you might contact the Ross Center http://www.rosscenterdc.com/ . If you're not near them, they can likely recommend someone closer to you. I know how much this impacts your life. I see my DH and my DS struggle with it and it kills me. I'm happy to say that they're both making great progress. You don't have to live like this.

One more thing - don't discount medication. We had to put my DS on Prozac for about 9 months because his 'worry' was too consuming. It had gotten to the point where it was controlling him. The medication suppressed it (not eliminated) enough that he could use the techniques he'd been taught. Once that cycle was interrupted, he made great improvements. I wouldn't hesitate to use it again if his anxiety dominates his life again. Hugs.

I used to be like you, when I was younger. How old are you? I think for me what changed with the amount of heartbreak I'd gone through. All of a sudden I decided fuck what all these people think of me, I wouldn't treat me or anyone else that way and neither should they. I started showing myself more mercy. When I feel bad about a decision I made, I tell myself it was the best decision I made in light of the info I had (which is the case, I am not to the delusional phase yet). The best advice I ever received was be kind to yourself, esp when the world around you isn't kind to you.

Anonymous wrote:If I send a text to friend or boyfriend, I secretly start getting worried if I don't hear back from them within 10 minutes ("Do they think what I just wrote is stupid? Oh god now they hate me, great.") although I've never told anyone this, ever. But when they finally text me back and it's a positive response that doesn't indicate whatsoever that they hate me or think I'm stupid, relief and joy washes over me.

Umm, isn't that normal, particularly when messaging a romantic interest? Or at least common?

This sounds like a tough way to live OP. I second what the PP said about everyone not looking at you that closely; people are usually wrapped up in themselves.

Also I don't know if this will help, but one thing to realize is that even if you do commit a faux pas, or a friend is angry with you, or someone thinks you said something stupid, it ultimately doesn't matter. You want people to think well of you but if someone doesnt- so what? They can't actually hurt you. If your current friends don't like you you can make new ones, you aren't stuck.

Read these forums for a while. What one person finds tacky another person thinks nothing of doing. Who is right? Well, it just depends on who is in your circle. Depends on how they feel that day. There is no absolute right or wrong. You'll never be perfect to everyone, and you'll never please everyone.

Please know that I'm not saying that your friends actually don't like you- I'm sure they do! Just that making a mistake or even someone thinking poorly of you isn't the end of the world.

Anonymous wrote:You need to realize you're not the center of everyone's universe and they're not looking at you that closely. When I run errands close to home, I often don't bring my phone. If I go for a walk for an hour, I leave my phone home. I keep the volume really low and if the phone is in a different room, I don't hear that there's an incoming text. So probably 75% of the time it takes me a while to respond.

This, OP. While you feel like your self-esteem is low -- and it very well may be -- what you are describing is a person who is convinced that everyone in the world is obsessed with them. That doesn't sound very low self-esteem to me, in fact quite the opposite. So which is it?

You need to realize you're not the center of everyone's universe and they're not looking at you that closely. When I run errands close to home, I often don't bring my phone. If I go for a walk for an hour, I leave my phone home. I keep the volume really low and if the phone is in a different room, I don't hear that there's an incoming text. So probably 75% of the time it takes me a while to respond.

Seriously, this is not healthy. Yes, I have anxiety and depression and ADHD, but I manage to live my life functionally and relatively sanely with the aid of meditation tapes, surrounding myself with good people, and working at it every day. So before you decide I'm a trainwreck (I guess I'm kind of a trainwreck) let me just say: I have a job, I pay my bills, I have friends, etc.

But whenever I think I make a faux pas (a stupid joke, reacting inappropriately, talking a little too loudly - whatever) my cheeks grow hot and I cringe and become extremely self-conscious about the disaster that I've done to people's perceptions of me. If I send a text to friend or boyfriend, I secretly start getting worried if I don't hear back from them within 10 minutes ("Do they think what I just wrote is stupid? Oh god now they hate me, great.") although I've never told anyone this, ever. But when they finally text me back and it's a positive response that doesn't indicate whatsoever that they hate me or think I'm stupid, relief and joy washes over me. I also overthink everything and replay conversations in my head repeatedly.

Why yes, my self-esteem is pretty low, why do you ask?

I just don't know how to stop being like this but it's driving me mad. I did read a profile for Highly Sensitive Person (apparently this is a real thing) and I related to almost every "trait" listed on it, so I guess I am wired this way at least partly. Which is some comfort. But I also need to conquer this if I want to live with any peace of mind.

Advice, suggestions, hate comments all welcome.