Two weeks is too long

Anonymous wrote:The in-laws just visited. For 2 weeks. I really have a hard time being around them- they are loud, messy, and just objectionable in many ways. Nothing I find too morally terrible to the point where I won't expose my children to them, but bad enough I use these coping techniques

1) withdrawl (emotional or physical... this time, I spent a lot of time in my bedroom or "working," which meant I also missed out on holiday family time with my kids)
2) being quiet

What can I do next time instead? I want them to have time with my children and a relationship... but... the above really isn't my "style" and I have a hard time being so passive in my own house. On the other hand, these people have violated my boundaries so many times I don't know what other things I can do (without providing specifics, they are the sorts of violations of privacy and respect that come from meaning well, but just not having a good impact).

So...they mean well but you just don't like it. They aren't trying to piss you off, just don't know your boundaries and the like? These are the people who made your husband who I have to assume you love. Love them and their flaws cause what ever you are seeing in them made your husband. Have a glass of wine and relax and get messy with them.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar situation...my in-laws are here for three weeks. My MIL is usually very helpful with cooking, cleaning, child care but this time it didn't go so well and she withdrew and gave the silent treatment for several days.

I did a lot of errands at night time to get distance. They were mostly things that need to be done (i.e. grocery shopping) with some "me-time" activities (coffee/reading, getting nails done) added on. A few nights, I went to bed early but watched a movie in bed.

I totally agree though - by shutting myself in my room, I missed out on the fun things my kids were doing!

It's hard - I'd like to invite them for several weeks because my children love them so much, but not only is it uncomfortable for me, but that length of visit creates a situation where all our rules are fudged because grandparents are here! It's going to be tough next week when they leave. Kids will be asking to stay up late and be constantly entertained!!

This feels like me, outside of the"this time my MIL withdrew".... I feel like I get resentful b/c I am missing out on time with my own family, esp during the holidays- not to mention, I get bored and lonley and miss my kids as I "bow out gracefully" to let the grandparents hang out with their grandkids and emotionally shut down during conversations when we are all together. sucks.

Anonymous wrote:
I know how you feel, OP. My family is overseas and when we visit each other it's for 2 weeks since otherwise it wouldn't make sense to travel so far - but we do end up clashing at the end.

If it's impossible to have them come for a shorter period, what you need is to NOT do this every Holiday.

Yep--shorter visits or less frequent.

I'm in a similar situation...my in-laws are here for three weeks. My MIL is usually very helpful with cooking, cleaning, child care but this time it didn't go so well and she withdrew and gave the silent treatment for several days.

I did a lot of errands at night time to get distance. They were mostly things that need to be done (i.e. grocery shopping) with some "me-time" activities (coffee/reading, getting nails done) added on. A few nights, I went to bed early but watched a movie in bed.

I totally agree though - by shutting myself in my room, I missed out on the fun things my kids were doing!

It's hard - I'd like to invite them for several weeks because my children love them so much, but not only is it uncomfortable for me, but that length of visit creates a situation where all our rules are fudged because grandparents are here! It's going to be tough next week when they leave. Kids will be asking to stay up late and be constantly entertained!!

I agree with getting out of the house. I also go to bed really early...get some downtime by myself.

OP here. Thanks for all the ideas. The getting out of the house is a good one. The others are hard- it would be really insulting to them to ask them to stay in a hotel (we have plenty of room, and I think they couldn't imagine us not wanting to be around them 100% of the time- they have that sense of boundaries where someone you don't want to always be with is someone you don't like... which has ironically turned them into people I did but now do not like). They also live far enough away that a week visit isn't going to happen....

I had my father and stepmother stay for two weeks two years ago. My sanity and my marriage barely made it through. I've vowed to never have them that long again. Four days max. We actually haven't had them back at all, but instead have arranged to meet somewhere in the middle where we can have a good time for a few days on neutral ground. Works much better.

Anonymous wrote:2 weeks? No way.

4 nights max.

The only person I want
To hang with for 2 weeks is my wife.

.

I'm on my second round of visitors right now for the holidays and I'm SO ready to go back to a normal...emptier...home.

I can't imagine staying with someone for more than a weekend. That is just rude IMO. Get a hotel or split up where you stay amongst different family.

I know how you feel, OP. My family is overseas and when we visit each other it's for 2 weeks since otherwise it wouldn't make sense to travel so far - but we do end up clashing at the end.

If it's impossible to have them come for a shorter period, what you need is to NOT do this every Holiday.

I have no advice, just sympathy because I am going through the same situation right now with a monstrous relative who invited herself for THREE WEEKS. Who does that? Why? Why? Why?? I want to crawl out of my own skin when I am with this person. Ughh.

Go out and do things outside of the house. It's a lot easier to get along on neutral territory and their odd behaviors won't be violating your boundaries as much if it's not your stuff, your space, your home, etc.

Go see Santa at the Mall, see a movie together New Year's day. Just get out of the house at least once a day - even if it's just a walk around the block with teh kids.

2 weeks? No way.

4 nights max.

The only person I want
To hang with for 2 weeks is my wife.

You need to have them stay in a hotel and come over/meet you for meals. Also, dilute their impact by having other people around.

The in-laws just visited. For 2 weeks. I really have a hard time being around them- they are loud, messy, and just objectionable in many ways. Nothing I find too morally terrible to the point where I won't expose my children to them, but bad enough I use these coping techniques

1) withdrawl (emotional or physical... this time, I spent a lot of time in my bedroom or "working," which meant I also missed out on holiday family time with my kids)
2) being quiet

What can I do next time instead? I want them to have time with my children and a relationship... but... the above really isn't my "style" and I have a hard time being so passive in my own house. On the other hand, these people have violated my boundaries so many times I don't know what other things I can do (without providing specifics, they are the sorts of violations of privacy and respect that come from meaning well, but just not having a good impact).