Are you me? One of my SIL's (brother's wife) is exactly like this. Have really tried to get to know her, reach out, done lots of things for her, but she's just cold. She has no interest in talking about anything that doesn't include herself at the center. She's not loud and obnoxious at all, and is soft-spoken. I'm an total introvert so I get that sometimes introverts can come across as cold, but she isn't that. She just doesn't try. Doesn't have any interest in being an aunt to any other kids in the family, doesn't even care to talk about/to anyone else. If it isn't her appearance, her kids, or her house, she doesn't care.

I gave up making any effort. I don't like her. Just don't really engage with her. I think she's just a very self-absorbed and snobby person.

It's sad, because there are plenty of ILs in our family/extended family, and we all get along. Not perfectly, but they're all pretty nice people that at least make a tiny bit of effort. Trying makes all the difference. This SIL does not. Not even a little bit.

OP, I have a difficult SIL relationship too. Luckily my brother and I have a great relationship and she is a non-factor in our sibling relationship. Luckily my niece and nephew are of the age they have cell phones so we communicate often. SIL is difficult with my parents and sister too, so it's her rejection of us. My parents take it personally because they do so much for SIL and their grandchildren, but SIL has no respect or appreciation. Every time I see SIL, I act (yes, pretend) like she's the greatest, to keep the peace, but know in the back of my mind she is not who I would have picked for my brother. Luckily, he has to live with her and I don't.

Good luck and hang in there. Just understand, it is what it is and may never change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I'd be really upset if my SILs refused my efforts to bond and didn't facilitate a good relationship with my nieces & nephews. You all don't have to be BFFs, but being on decent enough terms to get the cousins together, congratulate each other on life's milestones - things would have to be really awful for me to not offer at least that much to my SILs.

You don't mention what precipitated all of this. When did the relationship go sour? Do you feel like you could have done something to prevent this? Were you egregiously offensive in the past? I don't ask that to put you on trial, but just questions for you to think about on your own so you can understand the situation - you don't owe me an answer, obviously.

I'm guessing that there was no earth shattering main event. In fact, for all Op knows a therapist that SIL is seeing has suggested this as a way to establish boundaries.

All you can do is look at what *you* have actually done. If you have done something major, try to make amends. But if you are truly mystified just respect that not all people want the same sort of close relationship that you do - maybe you have been really pushy, too pushy for her comfort. Maybe she's a biotch. Who knows? At any, you can be in the same room as a person and still be aware of a real distance or of being snubbed. You can not force it.

PP above and I think you make very fair points. There's one woman I was friends with for a few years but she kept referring to how no one respects her time, she's working on establishing boundaries, and I found that responses to correspondence were getting more & more rude - like every email, phone call, or offer to meet up for coffee was a burden. So, I've backed off. I'm kind of introverted myself, so I get the dread that comes when each phone ring, but some people are bit more extreme. Maybe OP's SIL is like this - all about boundaries and saying no. Or maybe OP just rubs her the wrong way. Either way, I'd stop reaching out. There's not much point, unfortunately.

One thing that I have learned is that people have things going on their lives that you do not know about and that they really don't have the time nor the energy to share with you. It's disrespectful in a way to assume that it is all about you. So often it isn't. And sometimes a little distance is not a bad thing, kwim? I'll go to coffee with you!!

What does your Husband say? It's his sister and he owns the relationship. Does he care about any of this? If he does then he should reach out to her and find out what is going on. He could also talk with his parents and ask them what the deal is. You should stay out of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I'd be really upset if my SILs refused my efforts to bond and didn't facilitate a good relationship with my nieces & nephews. You all don't have to be BFFs, but being on decent enough terms to get the cousins together, congratulate each other on life's milestones - things would have to be really awful for me to not offer at least that much to my SILs.

You don't mention what precipitated all of this. When did the relationship go sour? Do you feel like you could have done something to prevent this? Were you egregiously offensive in the past? I don't ask that to put you on trial, but just questions for you to think about on your own so you can understand the situation - you don't owe me an answer, obviously.

I'm guessing that there was no earth shattering main event. In fact, for all Op knows a therapist that SIL is seeing has suggested this as a way to establish boundaries.

All you can do is look at what *you* have actually done. If you have done something major, try to make amends. But if you are truly mystified just respect that not all people want the same sort of close relationship that you do - maybe you have been really pushy, too pushy for her comfort. Maybe she's a biotch. Who knows? At any, you can be in the same room as a person and still be aware of a real distance or of being snubbed. You can not force it.

PP above and I think you make very fair points. There's one woman I was friends with for a few years but she kept referring to how no one respects her time, she's working on establishing boundaries, and I found that responses to correspondence were getting more & more rude - like every email, phone call, or offer to meet up for coffee was a burden. So, I've backed off. I'm kind of introverted myself, so I get the dread that comes when each phone ring, but some people are bit more extreme. Maybe OP's SIL is like this - all about boundaries and saying no. Or maybe OP just rubs her the wrong way. Either way, I'd stop reaching out. There's not much point, unfortunately.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I'd be really upset if my SILs refused my efforts to bond and didn't facilitate a good relationship with my nieces & nephews. You all don't have to be BFFs, but being on decent enough terms to get the cousins together, congratulate each other on life's milestones - things would have to be really awful for me to not offer at least that much to my SILs.

You don't mention what precipitated all of this. When did the relationship go sour? Do you feel like you could have done something to prevent this? Were you egregiously offensive in the past? I don't ask that to put you on trial, but just questions for you to think about on your own so you can understand the situation - you don't owe me an answer, obviously.

I'm guessing that there was no earth shattering main event. In fact, for all Op knows a therapist that SIL is seeing has suggested this as a way to establish boundaries.

All you can do is look at what *you* have actually done. If you have done something major, try to make amends. But if you are truly mystified just respect that not all people want the same sort of close relationship that you do - maybe you have been really pushy, too pushy for her comfort. Maybe she's a biotch. Who knows? At any, you can be in the same room as a person and still be aware of a real distance or of being snubbed. You can not force it.

I'm sorry OP. I'd be really upset if my SILs refused my efforts to bond and didn't facilitate a good relationship with my nieces & nephews. You all don't have to be BFFs, but being on decent enough terms to get the cousins together, congratulate each other on life's milestones - things would have to be really awful for me to not offer at least that much to my SILs.

You don't mention what precipitated all of this. When did the relationship go sour? Do you feel like you could have done something to prevent this? Were you egregiously offensive in the past? I don't ask that to put you on trial, but just questions for you to think about on your own so you can understand the situation - you don't owe me an answer, obviously.

I also would like to ask where there relationship is - Is this your DH's sister?

I'm not to close to my SILs. But, we don't have any drama, it's just "there". For me it's more about my brothers. The one SIL has sisters, so I'm not trying to find the sister I never had. I talk/test/call her when I need to, but we aren't buddies. The other SIL & my baby brother are just at a different life stage than me. We aren't buddies, but we do help each other out.

If it's your husband's brother's wife, I wouldn't worry about it. It's more your husband's relationship with his brother that you need to worry about.

Have you being nice to her, OP? In DCUMLand everybody behaves incredibly nice and olive toward their fellow human beings and no one ever recognizes their faults.

eh, you probably make her look or feel bad in some way. Not saying that you *intend* to do that, but that is probably what is going on.

Try to be more self aware when you are around her. If you feel eggshells under your feet, maybe just back off and have a polite, arms length relationship with her.

I'm assuming this is your DH's sister. If so, your situation is similar to mine. Your SIL has made it clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you and that's not a horrible thing. Maybe she doesn't gel with you. If your DH wants a relationship with her, then let him pursue/maintain it. If he's bothered by not being invited to family events or the last minute notice, let him bring it up with his sister. You just aren't that important to your SIL. Focus on relationships that you do value and want nurtured.

Wow, i'd definitely stop trying. I would ask your DH to talk to his sister to see if he can find out what her deal is. It is pretty nasty of her not to include your family in family events at her house.

Be sure your husband isn't being told about stuff and "forgetting" to tell you

Why on earth would you reach out to her? She's given you five thousand signals she doesn't like you.

Hasn't your DH pulled his sister aside and asked "Hey, what's up with your shitty attitude towards us? Why do you do all these shitty, hurtful and gossipy things?"

I don't have a close relationship with my SIL. I have tried over the years but it seems to go ignored and is never reciprocated. I go back and forth on whether I want to keep trying (I hate the idea of not having a good relationship and/or having tension) or just recognize that we will never have a good relationship and just give up trying.

I would reach out to her and she would always ignore me, never respond. Eventually, I stopped reaching out because it got to the point where I was getting hurt/resentful over constantly being ignored.

I believe she (and possibly her DH) have not spoken highly of us to their friends and family. Recently, my MIL and FIL have made comments that lead us to believe they are saying things about us that aren't true or just make us look bad. My DH and I have never spoken negatively about her or DH to my in-laws.

We are never included in family events she hosts. Events that family members travel out of state to attend we will not be invited to or invited only days before. They either say nothing as if its normal to not invite us, invite last minute or tell us they didn't want us to feel obligated to come.

She shares nothing with us about her or her children. We have no relationship with our niece and nephew and she has not relationship with our children. She didn't even tell us she was pregnant until she was 6 months along with her second. I don't know if she was just going to tell us when the baby was born?

What would you do? Start trying to reach out and see if she starts responding? I haven't done this in awhile so maybe there is a change of heart? Give up? Something else? I feel like my ILs notice the tension and although they don't say it I think they blame me for it.