Anonymous wrote:I don't know how to help you, but I think you should use your story as a framework for a novel. Seriously.

She already is.

Therapy can help, OP. You can learn new habits, you can learn what is "normal". And you can learn to accept that, although you didn't have an ideal or anything close to normal childhood, you do not have to pass that legacy onto your children. You can change your habits. You are not chained to your past. Small changes over time will yield big results, especially regarding how you raise your children. But start now, OP. Find a good therapist, someone you like and trust. Go with your gut feeling, and find someone else if it isn't helping you.

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. also from dysfunctional background, but American. It took me years to get over it. And I won't say I really got over it. I got from a place of making poor mistakes to a place of stability. But I'm not perfect. However, I'm doing my best to make sure my kid doesn't follow in my family's footsteps. Then I will feel successful.

Again. Therapy. However, I will say I had one therapist who was really helpful. And a couple who were a poor fit. So if you feel you've got a dud, keep looking. A good therapist is extremely helpful. Good luck.

OP here, thanks, this is beautiful. I see what you are saying. One cannot erase the effects of one's past overnight or within a year or two. This is the main reason I beat myself, for making similar (not same) immature blind mistakes even when I became fully independent. I guess this is inevitable having come from an unstable family with no reference to what is normal and it does take years to learn sound judgement.

I have never thought of this in terms of kids. But once I do it makes sense, I need to think beyond a year or two of my life and its mistakes, and ensure that over my lifetime I leave a sound foundation for my kids. Thanks for the new perspective.

Everyone's family is dysfunctional in different ways. You get over it by stop living in the past. You, and only you, determine your life. You are an adult so forgive and move on. My sister lives in the past amd still j olfs grudges from her childhood. Move forward
.

New poster here. also from dysfunctional background, but American. It took me years to get over it. And I won't say I really got over it. I got from a place of making poor mistakes to a place of stability. But I'm not perfect. However, I'm doing my best to make sure my kid doesn't follow in my family's footsteps. Then I will feel successful.

Again. Therapy. However, I will say I had one therapist who was really helpful. And a couple who were a poor fit. So if you feel you've got a dud, keep looking. A good therapist is extremely helpful. Good luck.

I don't know how to help you, but I think you should use your story as a framework for a novel. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I can actually associate with a lot of what you are saying, from an American perspective. I grew up with a very dysfunctional father and a mother who still takes no responsibility for her own life or for the enabling contributions she made when she was married to my father. They, too, squandered family money, though I was put through school.

I, too, spent a long time being my mother's best friend, and the person she could vent/complain to. She would dump it all on me, then go about her business, feeling satisfied. I would be left with all this emotional baggage and, even worse, she never changed anything. Just went and repeated the same pattern time and time again. I am also an only.

What helped me? Therapy. It sounds daunting, but it really isn't once you get in there. I tried traditional talk therapy, which really helped me to see my parents for what they really were - imperfect people who never grew up. I later found CBT (cognative behvaioral therapy) to address unhealthy issues I struggled with. CBT helped me address my approach to money, which causes me great anxiety.

I also take some antidepressants, which I think I simply need chemically. I think many of my father's behaviors were due to untreated depression which I inherited.

Anyhow, hope that is helpful. Peace to you in 2015.

Thank you. It helps to hear from someone who can relate so well, it has always been hard to get others to understand, even DH since outwardly everything is going well and my parents are very loving. And you are spot on about the mental health, I do think each person in my father's family has some mental disorder since they start with very normal successful lives and then deteriorate, just throwing everything away, and I am seeing some of those traits in myself.

I have shortlisted a few therapists and plan to call tomorrow. How long did CBT take to help? I am at a point where I have to make a few key life decisions, so hopefully can get help soon.

It takes as long as it takes. There is no defined timeline.

Anonymous wrote:OP I can actually associate with a lot of what you are saying, from an American perspective. I grew up with a very dysfunctional father and a mother who still takes no responsibility for her own life or for the enabling contributions she made when she was married to my father. They, too, squandered family money, though I was put through school.

I, too, spent a long time being my mother's best friend, and the person she could vent/complain to. She would dump it all on me, then go about her business, feeling satisfied. I would be left with all this emotional baggage and, even worse, she never changed anything. Just went and repeated the same pattern time and time again. I am also an only.

What helped me? Therapy. It sounds daunting, but it really isn't once you get in there. I tried traditional talk therapy, which really helped me to see my parents for what they really were - imperfect people who never grew up. I later found CBT (cognative behvaioral therapy) to address unhealthy issues I struggled with. CBT helped me address my approach to money, which causes me great anxiety.

I also take some antidepressants, which I think I simply need chemically. I think many of my father's behaviors were due to untreated depression which I inherited.

Anyhow, hope that is helpful. Peace to you in 2015.

Thank you. It helps to hear from someone who can relate so well, it has always been hard to get others to understand, even DH since outwardly everything is going well and my parents are very loving. And you are spot on about the mental health, I do think each person in my father's family has some mental disorder since they start with very normal successful lives and then deteriorate, just throwing everything away, and I am seeing some of those traits in myself.

I have shortlisted a few therapists and plan to call tomorrow. How long did CBT take to help? I am at a point where I have to make a few key life decisions, so hopefully can get help soon.

OP I can actually associate with a lot of what you are saying, from an American perspective. I grew up with a very dysfunctional father and a mother who still takes no responsibility for her own life or for the enabling contributions she made when she was married to my father. They, too, squandered family money, though I was put through school.

I, too, spent a long time being my mother's best friend, and the person she could vent/complain to. She would dump it all on me, then go about her business, feeling satisfied. I would be left with all this emotional baggage and, even worse, she never changed anything. Just went and repeated the same pattern time and time again. I am also an only.

What helped me? Therapy. It sounds daunting, but it really isn't once you get in there. I tried traditional talk therapy, which really helped me to see my parents for what they really were - imperfect people who never grew up. I later found CBT (cognative behvaioral therapy) to address unhealthy issues I struggled with. CBT helped me address my approach to money, which causes me great anxiety.

I also take some antidepressants, which I think I simply need chemically. I think many of my father's behaviors were due to untreated depression which I inherited.

Anyhow, hope that is helpful. Peace to you in 2015.

Anonymous wrote:OP, the important part is you should know what NOT to do - learn from it!

OP here, thanks, But if it were only that easy. I avoid my parent's mistakes, but life still has plenty of opportunities to goof up since I lack the essential skills needed to navigate its complexities.
For example, I would scrimp and save and never blame others for anything, to such an extreme extent that these cause their own set of problems.

Thank you for your kind words, I am planning to see a therapist soon. I really need to learn how to stop criticizing myself and move on.

This is what therapy will help you do. It's never too late to correct your mistakes. In the meantime, I suggest you look into the work of Carol Dweck on Mindset http://mindsetonline.com/ . She's a researcher who studied why some people are successful and why some aren't. What your 'mindset' is makes a huge difference. I like that it's not all 'new agish'. Hugs.

OP, the important part is you should know what NOT to do - learn from it!

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you seen a therapist? You've been through a lot. You are not doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes. The fact that you are concerned about your financial well being, and the well-being of your family, sets you apart from them. I think you will do just fine, but you should definitely see a therapist to help you sort through these things.

Thank you for your kind words, I am planning to see a therapist soon. I really need to learn how to stop criticizing myself and move on.

OP, have you seen a therapist? You've been through a lot. You are not doomed to repeat your parents' mistakes. The fact that you are concerned about your financial well being, and the well-being of your family, sets you apart from them. I think you will do just fine, but you should definitely see a therapist to help you sort through these things.

My childhood story:
I grew up in a different country. My father is financially irresponsible and has a family history of squandering generational wealth and being penniless, which started with his grandfather. My mother is from a well to do family, and she was brought up without learning or doing a single thing since they had manpower at home to do all the work. They were not super rich but lived in a time and place, actually a remote village, where cheap or free labor in exchange for food was abundant.
My mother's theory is that since she had an older brother who was disabled at birth, her father rejected all the rich eligible suitors she got and got her married off to my father, so she can be poor and take care of her brother in his old age. She openly complains daily about how she should have gotten married to another guy and criticizes my father and his family everyday, since their marriage in 1969. Yes for almost 50 years.

Since I was 10, both of them had a series of business ventures, constantly running out of money and borrowing for day to day expenses, each leading to massive loans they could not repay and leave town. This has happened around 5 times, and affected my school and college and I was forced to quit my first job when I was 22 to go into hiding with them, terrified.

My father's role was clear to me and I used to hate him since I was a child, but since my mother used to lament her situation every day I genuinely felt she was suffering and a victim. I was very close to her as a only child. I spent 5 years of my life 22-27, venting together with her about my father. Now years later with a family of my own, I see how easily she could have changed her fate and she was the major enabler since she came from a stable family and should have known and done better rather than move around as a fugitive with my dad. My dad did not know better due to his family history, his brothers are in the same situation but their wives have tried to bring some sanity in. Moreover my father was physically abusive to my mother during their fights and she did her share of verbal abuse with her complaints. She was not economically independent, but could have easily gone back to her parents or brothers. Growing up I had no resemblance to a functional family life and she does not seem to care about it or anything about my future. It is like as long as she got to complain to her heart's fill she was ok, and did not have to do anything else.

I read about people with abusive parents but they seem to have turned around their life once they became adults at 18. But I seem to be haunted by my childhood and dragged down by it even in my 30s and now very recently aware of and bitter in my 40s against my mother who is still claiming she is the martyr and victim.

I got married to DH when I was 27, and moved to this country. I would have thought my life would be sane from then on, but I made a string of wrong ignorant decisions affecting my family and career and finances, maybe because I did not know what is normal. I am course correcting, but everything seems much more harder to me or I make it harder for myself, than people I see from stable families including my DH. And I am overly self critical of any mistakes I make which makes it even harder.

I am not sure if that is because I did not have a role model, I am stubbornly repeating the past or just poor genes?
How do I stop regretting everything about my parents and my adult life and trust myself to move on?