Just make NO effort towards your mother. Let the ball be in her court - she can visit you if she feels like it. You are allowing yourself to be a punching bag.

Anonymous wrote:I think you should stop trying to gain her approval by spending so much time, energy, and money on her. She's a bitch. She will always find a reason to find fault with you. You will never win. Let go of trying.

This. The good news is this is an "easy" issue, in terms of what you need to do. All of the PPs are basically saying the same thing. That doesn't mean it won't be difficult and emotional.

She isn't going to change. This is the mother you have. All you can do is change your behavior and how you react to her. You need to disengage from her and set boundaries. My mother is a similarly difficult personality. Ultimately, you need to let go of any emotional attachment to her, which is really sad and awful and will be hard but, in the end, will also be the most liberating and wonderful thing that could ever happen to you.

If you can afford it, I would find a therapist. You don't mention your job, but with many employers this might be covered under your health insurance.

OP your mother is toxic - you need to start to see this. There isn't anything you can do to win her approval. Once you accept that the problem is her, and not you, you can start to move past it.

I would suggest seeing a therapist who can help you see the picture the way we all do and help you heal and move forward.

Op, you may want to check out this forum - http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

It can be a bit of a rough place (definitely lurk awhile before posting!) but you'll see people talking about the "golden child"/"scapegoat" dynamic that I have a feeling you grew up with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is your relationship with your sister?

OP here. My relationship with my sister is fine, but very one-sided. She is pretty self-absorbed (she got most of the attention growing up), so most of our conversations are about her. I realize this is never going to change, so I just play along.

sorry about all of this

Anonymous wrote:How is your relationship with your sister?

OP here. My relationship with my sister is fine, but very one-sided. She is pretty self-absorbed (she got most of the attention growing up), so most of our conversations are about her. I realize this is never going to change, so I just play along.

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is not a good person. She has issues which very likely stem back to her own childhood, related to money and success. She'll never be the mom or grandma you want her to be. Don't continue to put yourself in a position to be rejected and unloved. Celebrate holidays with your own little family and friends.

+1

How is your relationship with your sister?

Your mother is not a good person. She has issues which very likely stem back to her own childhood, related to money and success. She'll never be the mom or grandma you want her to be. Don't continue to put yourself in a position to be rejected and unloved. Celebrate holidays with your own little family and friends.

Stop trying. She is clearly extremely insecure so this is not about you, but you are bearing the fallout. I would slowly distance yourself and see what happens. You have a wonderful husband and lovely daughter so focus on them.

She will never be the mother you want. Deal with what is, or just stay home and make a life with your family. Hopefully your DH has a pleasant family. Make it yours.

Don't let her treat you that way. You can't change her, but you can change your expectations of her. Knowing how she will make you feel, why make such an effort to see her? If she comes to you and is a jerk it won't be so heartbreaking. But making efforts to go see her and then be treated so poorly is going to just make you feel awful. Let her know that she can come to you next time. she can fly, if that's so important to her. Your child doesn't need such a toxic grandparent in her life.

I think you should stop trying to gain her approval by spending so much time, energy, and money on her. She's a bitch. She will always find a reason to find fault with you. You will never win. Let go of trying.

Honestly, you asked for it. Why would you go out of way to spend Christmas with people that you don't get along with.

I am 42 years old, and ever since I was a teenager, my relationship with my mother has been plagued by her “disappointment issues” with me. I was never pretty enough, thin enough, or popular enough. As an adult, I was never successful enough or wealthy enough. I have tried to gain her acceptance by working hard and striving to be all of these things, but due to bad luck and numerous setbacks that were no fault of my own, I wasn’t able to pull it off. But, that being said, I think that I am a kind, good person who has lived a good, honest life and done her best. I have a wonderful, kind husband and a beautiful three-year old DD. Nonetheless, my mother has sometimes been very critical of me and my husband because we are not wealthy yuppies living in a McMansion.

Anyway, we have had good years with my mother, but over the past year, those good moments have really decreased. Last year, we drove for over fifteen hours to be with my parents for Thanksgiving. When we were there, my mother was rude, cold, and standoffish. She seemed embarrassed that we had driven instead of flying, like that is something that only poor people do. When she actually did talk to me, she made numerous snide remarks and rubbed in my face the successes of the children of other people my parents know. Following that visit, I received a phone call from my mother in which she criticized all of my life choices and said that she “wanted better for me.” We patched things up, but I have never felt the same about her since then.

Fast forward to Christmas this year. My parents usually spend every Christmas out West with my sister and her son (my mother's favorite grandchild); they have never spent Christmas day with my DD. But, this year my Dad did not want to do that, so we were going to drive out to see them again. My mother, however, suggested that we instead all go to another relative’s house that was a shorter distance from us so that it would be more fun and we all wouldn’t “just be alone” (like them being with me, my husband, and my daughter is “being alone!”). These relatives are very wealthy, and mother adores them and everything they do. Anyway, we made the ten hour drive, and DD, who has asthma, became very sick along the way. So sick that we had to stop at an ER near my relatives’ house. When my daughter is sick, she must take medications that make her tired and ornery. So, when we arrived at the relatives’ house, DD did not want to have anything to do with anyone. Instead of being concerned about my DD’s health, my mother became miffed that she was not getting the desired response from my daughter and just froze us all out. I explained to my mother that this is how DD acts when she is sick and to not take it personally, but she was not buying it. She avoided any interaction with my DD and my DH, and even me. I tried to talk to her on numerous occasions, but she was again cold and standoffish. She would not even come into the room when my DD was opening her gifts from Santa, and she ceremoniously placed all of the gifts that were intended for me, my DH, and my DD into the room we were sleeping in. Meanwhile, she was excessively fawning over and kissing the asses of my relatives, their kids, and their grandkids (while ignoring her own grandchild!). And, she was talking glowingly about her other grandchild, my more favored sister's son.
We came back a few days ago, and I feel gutted, depressed, and unloved. I have been a good and dutiful daughter to my parents. Thoughts?