Anonymous wrote:For those of you who say mental illness, what sort of mental illness? This really hadn't occurred to us as a reason. Thanks!

Could be bipolar, borderline, histrionic personality disorder.

Another vote for mentally ill.

Sounds like you've done all you ca do OP.

For those of you who say mental illness, what sort of mental illness? This really hadn't occurred to us as a reason. Thanks!

Anonymous wrote:
Seriously, sounds like she may be mentally ill, maybe that accounts for the infrequent communication.
Did this really upset your folks?
My parents would have gotten a note like this and figured the girl was nuts!
Did DH ask his dad if this alleged incident ever even happen?

+1. My sister started sending notes like this when she developed mental illness in her twenties.

Your SIL was totally out of line and it seems your DH did a good job communicating that. Your DH should send the card/communicate with his father regarding what happened and the waves this has caused. It will provide your FIL an opportunity to clear anything up he wants cleared up (and he may not) and it will allow him to respond to his daughter (if he wants). If he wants to reach out to your parents, great, but don't expect it. Unless you get information to the contrary, I would tell your parents what your DH and communicate you are as mystified as they are. WTF does that shit?

Anonymous wrote:I think you should avoid getting involved. Apologize to your parents on behalf of your husband and explain that the card doesn't make any sense, and that they should not feel ashamed of anything they did, they did nothing wrong. Explain that you will try to figure this out but you are as mystified as they are. Carry on, and keep your parents and SIL separated.

Don't start snooping. Don't give your SIL any ounce of attention over this ridiculous stunt. She is acting like a 12 year old with a major evil streak. Protect your parents and remember that your SIL is an immature bully, perhaps, as some PPs say, mentally ill.

I mean, who sends a Christmas card with a nasty note? Totally awful, even if your parents had said something terrible. Don't sink to her level. Stop being involved. Both you and DH.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Seriously, sounds like she may be mentally ill, maybe that accounts for the infrequent communication.
Did this really upset your folks?
My parents would have gotten a note like this and figured the girl was nuts!
Did DH ask his dad if this alleged incident ever even happen?

I don't think she's mentally ill, but I don't think she exhibited good judgement. I think she has this view of herself as the family matriarch.

It did upset them. Mainly as they couldn't remember doing anything like this and my dad's about the last person to say something offensive to anyone. He's reserved and would never tell someone off -- especially someone he doesn't know. They are not close and only see each other every few years. Polite and pleasant to each other, never contentious. My mom tends to obsess, so I'll be hearing about this for the next 50 years.

My husband has not spoken to his father and his father did not respond to an email. I told my husband he needs to call him and find out what is up.

I'd be careful about pushing this. Maybe there was something that upset your FIL and he's moved past it and does not want to rehash things. If he didn't want to respond to the email leave it alone, until maybe your husband can talk to him about it in person. Doing this kind of stuff over email/phone can cause unnecessary problems. Sometimes people just need time/space to get over stuff. Your SIL is complicating things. Don't play along.

I think you should avoid getting involved. Apologize to your parents on behalf of your husband and explain that the card doesn't make any sense, and that they should not feel ashamed of anything they did, they did nothing wrong. Explain that you will try to figure this out but you are as mystified as they are. Carry on, and keep your parents and SIL separated.

Don't start snooping. Don't give your SIL any ounce of attention over this ridiculous stunt. She is acting like a 12 year old with a major evil streak. Protect your parents and remember that your SIL is an immature bully, perhaps, as some PPs say, mentally ill.

I mean, who sends a Christmas card with a nasty note? Totally awful, even if your parents had said something terrible. Don't sink to her level. Stop being involved. Both you and DH.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't indulge your SIL on this one. Ignore her.

I am wondering, though, is she right that your husband's parents won't visit you anymore? What's your understanding of the reason for that? Not saying you necessarily need to do anything about it, just wondering if she's completely making stuff up, or if there's some kernel of truth in there that could be worth addressing with others.

I do think there's something going on, but this was the first I heard that he wouldn't visit anymore. But the reason he gave is not the true one. They see my parents about once per visit and that's typically for a family dinner where my parents invite them over since they are visiting. To say they wouldn't visit because of my parents is ridiculous. Although I don't think they need to worry about an invite going forward! LOL -- I doubt my mother will extend an invite. I do think there's something eating at my FIL, but I don't know what it is. The last visit which was two years ago was pretty good. But obviously something happened. My husband is not close to his father and he doesn't put much effort out. But honestly my FIL doesn't put much effort out either.

Anonymous wrote:
Seriously, sounds like she may be mentally ill, maybe that accounts for the infrequent communication.
Did this really upset your folks?
My parents would have gotten a note like this and figured the girl was nuts!
Did DH ask his dad if this alleged incident ever even happen?

I don't think she's mentally ill, but I don't think she exhibited good judgement. I think she has this view of herself as the family matriarch.

It did upset them. Mainly as they couldn't remember doing anything like this and my dad's about the last person to say something offensive to anyone. He's reserved and would never tell someone off -- especially someone he doesn't know. They are not close and only see each other every few years. Polite and pleasant to each other, never contentious. My mom tends to obsess, so I'll be hearing about this for the next 50 years.

My husband has not spoken to his father and his father did not respond to an email. I told my husband he needs to call him and find out what is up.

Your husband called her to try to get to the bottom of it and she chooses to remain cryptic so if you were hoping to clear it all up "Oh! That's what you meant. Lol!!", that ain't going to happen. This could be a mental health issue. In fact, I think that's a pretty good guess.

I wouldn't indulge your SIL on this one. Ignore her.

I am wondering, though, is she right that your husband's parents won't visit you anymore? What's your understanding of the reason for that? Not saying you necessarily need to do anything about it, just wondering if she's completely making stuff up, or if there's some kernel of truth in there that could be worth addressing with others.

Seriously, sounds like she may be mentally ill, maybe that accounts for the infrequent communication.
Did this really upset your folks?
My parents would have gotten a note like this and figured the girl was nuts!
Did DH ask his dad if this alleged incident ever even happen?

Ignore her. She's definitely a troublemaker with attention issues and probably all sorts of other stuff. Your husband did the right thing by addressing it all directly with her. You should try not to let it get to you. Just make sure your other relationships are good.

If you see her, be polite and leave it at that. Don't give her the attention/importance she's craving by engaging in her drama.

My 43yo SIL who we rarely see (maybe once every two years) and do not communicate with frequently sent my parents a Xmas card. In the card she includes a handwritten note which is very cryptic in nature and essentially blames my father for the fact her father (my FIL) will no longer visit us. She alludes to something my father said in 2012 at Thanksgiving. My parents didn’t even see my in-laws in 2012.

My husband and I were very shocked when my parents called to tell us about this card. My husband called his sister and wanted to know what she was doing and why she sent this note. She never really gave a good reason and she said her father (my FIL) is the one who told her this story. My husband wanted to know why she didn’t at least call and speak with him first before sending this cryptic note which greatly upset my parents. My husband told her she was out of line and his father should have spoken up if there was something bothering him (he’s in his 60’s, not feeble, a retired professional) and it was not her place to take this on. He also pointed out they didn’t even see each other in 2012.

How would you react to all of this? Would you try to get some answers or would you let it go?

At this point I don’t ever want to see her again – I think this was uncalled for and I think she’s a troublemaker.