I did not divorce solely because of the ILs, but that was one pleasure I took from the experience!

Anonymous wrote:
It's never because of the in-laws.
It's because their child, ie your spouse, may not have set up adequate boundaries.

Yes to this. I have difficult in-laws. My DH and I deal with it by discussing how they are difficult and ways we can deal with it together. We decide, together, what to ignore and what to confront. While I don't always enjoy my time with them, I realize it's important to my DH that I suck it up at times. And other times, he lets me off the hook for seeing them and goes alone. The key: we talk about it, openly and honestly. No nastiness, no defensiveness.

Anonymous wrote:No one divorces because of inlaws.

I totally agree. People divorce because they don't maintain appropriate boundaries and priorities.

I know several couples that divorced because one of the spouses didn't set boundaries with their parents. Luckily, this was before children were brought into the mix.

No one divorces because of inlaws.

I also broke up with someone on the verge of engagement because of the in-laws. His parents had had a messy divorce, and even as a grown-up he felt obligated to follow the old holiday split and to be his mother's replacement escort. I realized finally that asking to spend holidays with my family was going to be a fight in perpetuity, and that mom would always, always come first as long as she lived. I couldn't do it.

It's never because of the in-laws.
It's because their child, ie your spouse, may not have set up adequate boundaries.

I didn't get divorced, but I did break off an engagement. It really wasn't the in-laws per-se, but coming to the realization that my fiance was kind of...a head case, and it was mostly due to her badly messed up family of origin, with which she was completely enmeshed. I was never going to rank even equal to them - they would always be more important and exert more influence...she would be married to them, not me, and I would have been subsumed into their entirely insane family.

I wound up emailing her father and telling him that they were completely right about me: I was horrible, and just using her and that they should come get her. "you win, come get your prize". What an amazing relief.

Yes, living with her drove me into therapy, and therapy helped me to see that I wasn't crazy, but I was living with people in the Fun House, and it was crazy-making. I strongly support the advice to get therapy.

My relationship with my MIL is tricky, because she is divorced (has been for ages) and my husband is her only child. She doesn't have a lot of friends - and none who live close to her. She has people who help her out around her house (think landscapers, handy men, etc.) and they have become her "friends" because she often helps them out in jams and they have grown somewhat dependent on her. I have thought not so much of divorce, but that my life would be so much easier without MIL in it. But I keep reminding myself that she LOVES my husband and she was the one who raised him to be who he is and I have to put up with her a few times a year because of it.

My first step would be: Therapy for the feelings and to have healthy boundaries.

My husband and his first wife divorced because of his inlaws. His marriage had been fine until they came to live with them (from a different country). And it destroyed the marriage. But at its heart, it was because his first wife took their side and not his. There's just no chance when that happens.

And while I'm grateful I got to meet him and have a family with him, I am still sad he ever went through a divorce, and for his kids from that first marriage. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And if I were in that position, I'd try my best to kept the marriage together. *This is all assuming your husband is at least willing to stand by you in these things, even if he's not doing it well right now. If not, I'm sure it's incredibly hard to deal with. But if there's a shot at staying together, deciding on and sticking to healthy boundaries with them will go a long way to bringing more peace in the household. Good luck.

It's taken a toll on my marriage. They are finally backing off of their hateful ways for now but every time they call or send a card to dh I am on edge even if I don't talk w them. I hate these feelings and want to just leave. Has anyone been through this or can anyone share some wisdom?