What about putting a tv in your father's room? That would give him a little bit more of his own space for hanging out, and if he's feeling under the weather, he can rest there without anyone disturbing him.

Given what you posted, it sounds like your son is a bit spoiled. Complaining about the shower thing would not have flown with me (what does he want grandpa to do, shit his pants so the little prince can stay in the shower longer?), and he definitely wouldn't have been able to kick a sick person out of the basement to play video games with his friends. He would have been told he could have them over when grandpa was feeling better.

Is this a long term thing? If your father is just staying for a month or so, I should have just cancelled the party for your son, but if this is a long term change and your father is going to live with you forever, I disagree with pp that you should teach your son priorities and cancel his party. It is a pretty big change for everyone involved but your son should be able to still have his friends over even when grandpa is sick.

But all is in the tone you say things op - you could have asked nicely to your dad to leave the couch "hey Dad, little Billy's friends are coming over to play some video games and I would like to straight out the place a little bit before they arrive. Do you mind going to the living room to watch some tv there?" Or something along those lines. You could still clean the place with Lysol, but don't need to state it.

I am in a similar situation but in a way, I think it is easier for my (young) child and for me as well since my in-law is not cognitive. But your husband went overboard with the monitor thing… you should see my house. Everyday I wake up to a little bit more of destruction. Can.not.wait.to.move.

Anonymous wrote:My father recently moved in with DH and I and I feel like we are making him uncomfortable at every turn. He came down with the flu and wanted o sleep on the couch in the basement to watch TV which was fine. We took turns bringing him food and medicine but my son had wanted friends to come over break for a game party (in the basement) so I told my dad he had to clear out today so I could wash the blankets and Lysol everything.

He seemed very hurt that I wanted to Lysol and kept apologizing for ruining the furniture downstairs.

Then just now he was in the hallway using and accidentally knocked the carbon monoxide detector out of the wall and it beeped loudly and woke everyone up. My husband ran out and started berating him for knocking it out. I got into an argument with my husband about his overreacting.

I also overheard my dad crying today after my son who was showering in the upstairs hallway bathroom had to come out so my dad could use the bathroom, my son said it was annoying or he was annoying and stomped off. When I went to check on my dad he was clearly crying.

I don't know what to do, he is not a burden or in the way or bothering anyone. We are so happy to have him here and want him to feel welcome. Its just a few bad interactions. I don't want him to feel like this isn't his home. I don't know if I should address what happened with the basement or the detector. Or keep fighting with my son and husband to be a little more sensitive to someone new in the house. I feel torn. TIA.

1) Is his bedroom large enough for a barkalounger type of chair and a bed? I would get him a barkalounger chair for his bedroom and a tv for his bedroom. He can be in there, the next time he is sick. A small table to hold drinks, a light and a box of tissues too. You can find smaller sized furniture if you google NYC apartment furniture or small apartment furniture or dorm furniture. Does he need a small desk too?
2) I would also designate a chair in the living room and basement that are his, and a chair at the kitchen/dining room table (where ever you all eat your meals).
3) It sounds like there is only one bathroom. You can make a rule to let your father know before someone is about to take a shower. that way he can go to the bathroom before the shower starts. (You can also buy a small porto potty for extreme emergencies, my grandparents did this and they never needed to use it, but it gave them piece of mind.)
4) Yelling at anyone in the middle of the night for bumping into something is not making him feel welcome. Your DH needs to apologize and atone.
5) Make him his favorite breakfast and dinner, give him a card with something nice written on it from all of you- each of you can write welcoming things. "I know we didn't get off to the best start, but we love you and you are welcome here."
6) Talk to him and ask him what would make him feel included and part of the family. Then listen, without interruption.
7) Talk to you son about empathy and kindness and have him practice. Have him do something nice for your father everyday for the next 30 days. What do they do together that connects them?

It takes time to find the happy medium and everyone needs to know that things will be different, but if everyone cuts some slack- it will work out. Rent the original Willy Wonka and tell your sone he can be happy you don't all live in one room with four grandparents in one big bed.

Wow. Truly I feel sorry for your Dad. You should have not had the kids over while he was sick and just let him recuperate. Your husband and son sound like - well just jerks. I can't believe how your son talked to you Father. And your husband's reaction is atrocious. You need to talk to both of them, but if they continue it would be best for your Dad to move out. Abusive behavior. You should be ashamed of both of them.

1) Was DH completely on board about his moving in with you? Or did you stream roll lit?

2) Why is he living with you instead of independently? Or in an assisted living home if he needs help?

Anonymous wrote:Is there only one bathroom in the whole house? It sounds like your house is too small for another person. My mom stayed with us for a year under better circumstances and it was still extremely difficult. On everyone.

I second this. Why would your son need to get out of the shower for your dad to use the bathroom? I'm a pretty easygoing person and I would be pretty irked about this kind of thing too.

Match.com for dad.

Your husband and son should apologize to him.

He needs his own, private space that no one can take over.

Ask your father to do things for you, not because you need them done, but so that he can feel that he's contributing to the household. Men of that generation aren't used to being dependent, and this has to be a very difficult transition for your father.

Anonymous wrote:You need to nip your son's attitude in the bud immediately. That said, it sounds like he's picking up asshole behavior from your husband. That reaction was completely rude and uncalled for. Why is your father there? I can only imagine how he feels, as I would feel unwelcolmed and pretty worthless to your family in his shoes.

Sadly, this is the way he'll treat you in your old age.

Oh, this is PP from above. In response to your question, I think the best way to make sure your father feels comfortable is to make sure he has his own completely private space/den, whatever you can put together. He should have his own TV and computer if at all possible, and probably a mini fridge. I'd create something like a dorm room for him.

Your post breaks my heart for your father. I think it would have been best had you not asked your father to "clear out" when he was sick on the couch watching TV. That was a good opportunity for your son to learn about respect and priorities. I'm sure this is a rough time for you all, but considering how much your dad's world has changed, I think it behooves all of you to go above and beyond for the breaking-in period to make sure he feels welcome.

Is there only one bathroom in the whole house? Why is the smoke detector so low? Why couldn't you just say clean up the basement? It sounds like your house is too small for another person. My mom stayed with us for a year under better circumstances and it was still extremely difficult. On everyone.

You need to nip your son's attitude in the bud immediately. That said, it sounds like he's picking up asshole behavior from your husband. That reaction was completely rude and uncalled for. Why is your father there? I can only imagine how he feels, as I would feel unwelcolmed and pretty worthless to your family in his shoes.

You say he isn't in the way or bothering anyone, but I think that is maybe true for you and not for your DH and DS. They are clearly bothered by his staying. Before you have a talk with your father, you should have a talk with your DH and DS and make sure to understand their feelings. Things won't get better if you don't know their true feelings.

My father recently moved in with DH and I and I feel like we are making him uncomfortable at every turn. He came down with the flu and wanted o sleep on the couch in the basement to watch TV which was fine. We took turns bringing him food and medicine but my son had wanted friends to come over break for a game party (in the basement) so I told my dad he had to clear out today so I could wash the blankets and Lysol everything.

He seemed very hurt that I wanted to Lysol and kept apologizing for ruining the furniture downstairs.

Then just now he was in the hallway using and accidentally knocked the carbon monoxide detector out of the wall and it beeped loudly and woke everyone up. My husband ran out and started berating him for knocking it out. I got into an argument with my husband about his overreacting.

I also overheard my dad crying today after my son who was showering in the upstairs hallway bathroom had to come out so my dad could use the bathroom, my son said it was annoying or he was annoying and stomped off. When I went to check on my dad he was clearly crying.

I don't know what to do, he is not a burden or in the way or bothering anyone. We are so happy to have him here and want him to feel welcome. Its just a few bad interactions. I don't want him to feel like this isn't his home. I don't know if I should address what happened with the basement or the detector. Or keep fighting with my son and husband to be a little more sensitive to someone new in the house. I feel torn. TIA.