Your mom is really going through hell right now, I don't know that you really appreciate just how bad things are for her. Your dad is a 24/7 overwhelming responsibility for her. And I think you should be concerned for your mom. In some ways it's good that your dad is bedridden now since he isn't up at night wandering, turning the stove on, leaving the house. But the physical care of him has got to be taking a toll on your mom.

Nursing homes are horribly expensive, is she worried that they would have to spend down too much to put him in a nursing home? You need to find out. As far as hosting nice dinners go....that is just so low on the list right now that I'm shocked that she even tried to do it. Next time, you can host the dinner at your place (or whoever's place) and hire a nurse to stay with your dad. Your mom can even help cook if that is a comforting thing for her to do.

I'm sorry your family is going through this.

Why in the world would you push your mom to host this dinner? She is clearly not up to it. Do it at someone else's. And yes, family members who are "guests" should volunteer to take out the trash for elderly people.

I also have a mother who won't ask for any help and then yells at you for not guessing what she wanted. Your situation is more delicate because of your ailing father.
I try to stay calm and just tell her that she should have asked(like your example of taking out the trash). If I start getting frustrated and upset it just feeds her anger. Take deep breaths and try to let it all flow over you like a pebble at the bottom of a torential river.

If your mom is mean to you, it's because it's deserved. You suck and you're a terrible person.

Wow, OP, my father has Alzheimers, and I can't imagine that an adult child would expect to be catered to over the holidays by a parent who is a FT caregiver to someone with that condition. It is an incredible burden, both physically and emotionally, no matter how much help you have. I am totally dumbfounded that you would complain about your mother's negativity and her expectations that you might actually lift a finger to take out the trash.

But hey, it's all about you, right? Your need to be treated like a princess on Christmas trumps any responsibility to help or even just be understanding toward your mother as she cares for your dying father. Of all the self-involved, self-righteous, pathetic stories on DCUM lately, you may take the cake. Congratulations!

Your mom was overwhelmed. You need to have party at someone else's house. It is not nothing to host even if you only provide drinks. If there is no other relative in town, then rent a suite and host it yourselves. Your mom needs to be a guest and nothing should be expected of her.

Get off your but and you organize stuff, do not expect someone else to do it. You are the adult to do it, your parent is not capable of doing it.

I had to start parenting my parents at age 34, so are you that age? Are you older? Stop expecting stuff from your older, overwhelmed parent.

I'm sorry about your dad, but I'm with her on the trash. Why should that be her responsibility too with so much else going on and so many people who could help without being asked?

Been there - how long has your father needed this type of care? The extended role of constant caregiver is exhausting - even if there were no other issues at play.

How about visiting without the stress of the holidays later in January? If they are in a part of the country that is cold / gray she might appreciate the visit. Also - visiting with only 1 child may make it a little easier for her.

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that's bs. Op can be sad that she had a crappy visit with her mom. I saw nothing in her post that indicated a lack of gratitude?

I'm assuming you didn't read the entire text-block. OP has written a wordy post saying her mother was nasty, mean and critical; that OP, her kids and OP's sister felt uncomfortable about it; and that as a result OP has not called her mother yet. All this while OP's mother is overwhelmed with her own and her husband's medical issues, and agreed to host Christmas Eve at her house.
OP makes it all about her, when she should be seeing things from her mother's point of view.
God forbid OP be put into the exact same position in the future. Karma, and all that...

Anonymous wrote:Pp, that's bs. Op can be sad that she had a crappy visit with her mom. I saw nothing in her post that indicated a lack of gratitude?

Pretty much the last 1/4 of her post is what makes her sound awful. OP, how much do you actually visit or do things to help your mom? It sounds like you are uninvolved and then get mad because it's not exactly what you wanted it to be. So you throw a litle hissy fit and refuse to talk to your mom because she couldn't get it together for you.

Wow, just wow. Your mom is taking care of your dying father and you have no empathy. Wow... Try it for a week and let us know how you feel?

Pp, that's bs. Op can be sad that she had a crappy visit with her mom. I saw nothing in her post that indicated a lack of gratitude?

Well, at least it seems that your mom has better family members than you who help her out and understand the incredibly difficult situation she's dealing with.

Your mother suffers from anxiety and depression, among other things.
Your mother has the immense burden of being the primary caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's.

And you dare to criticize her emotional reactions when she had people over, that she probably didn't want to host to begin with???

Ingratitude can go no further - you are lower than the low, OP.

You need to support her, because right now she is under incredible amounts of strain. And if she wasn't a pleasant person to begin with, don't you imagine that she'll suddenly become one now, with all that added burden. Who would?

So consider her well-being first. Don't encourage her or enable her to host or extend herself in anyway for anybody except your father.
Next year invite her to a Holiday meal at a nice hotel/restaurant or a gathering at somebody else's house.
During the year, if you're far away and can't pitch in, at least phone regularly and just listen to her complaints.

Now I've seen it all.

My family traveled for Christmas to visit my parents and extended family. My father is bedridden with Alzheimer's. My mother has been taking care of him 24/7 w/ the help of Hospice care in every day, nurses 2x week, chaplain and social worker (all of which are great!). She gets out a few times a week w/ the help of a volunteer, paid help or her siblings coming over. My mother suffers from depression, anxiety and some other medical issues. The anxiety and depression have been illnesses she's had for over 30 years. I think taking care of my father is taking a toll on her but she won't admit it. She is becoming anti-social or maybe more depressed (refused to host Thanksgiving and only hosted Xmas Eve b/c we were coming to visit). When I mean host these holidays - it's making a few things, providing drinks (soda) and ice at her house. Everyone else brings a dish and helps clean up afterwards, so it's not 100% on her to do it all. I helped set up the food we did have before people came but of course she had everything else already done (she has to do stuff days/weeks in advance - maybe an anxiety thing??) She is 90% negative, yells, sometimes throws stuff, or she's crying or being loud/laughing. It's like highs and lows with her. I can't ask her a question w/out her getting offended or jumping on me for thinking she's "stupid" which I don't. Usually it's just a simply question that someone else would just answer with no problem. When I'm around her I feel like I contract her negativity and impatience. I snap at my kids, yell, am very stressed out. The extended family feels like they have to walk on pins and needles for fear they might do/not do something to set her off. She had a horribly mad face Xmas Eve night after dinner. Later I asked her why and she said, "didn't anyone see the trash needed taken out?" I'm like guest are suppose to empty her trash? If she would have nicely asked a family member they would have obliged, but she doesn't know how to ask. We're all just suppose to be mind readers to her I guess. My mom wants/craves attention and a pitty-party b/c she's taking care of my father. She chose to take care of him and I know it's extremely hard. I tell her she's doing an awesome job but he could be in a nursing home and she could visit him daily and feed him but be able to have the freedom back that she had before he became bedridden. We told her from the start that we would always support her if she needs to make the decision to move my father to a nursing home. She refuses to put my father in a nursing home and I don't think she's on the right meds b/c it just seemed like no one can do anything right in her eyes. She told her sister she wouldn't be hosting anything anymore. Her sister feels like it's a slap in the face to our family. I think if my mom was on the right meds to make her feel happy (as happy as a person can be given the circumstances of my father) that she wouldn't be so nasty, mean, etc. and would be excited to have the family over for holidays/events. I'm sad b/c I didn't enjoy the visit with her and I felt like my kids could feel the tenseness I was in and my mother's negativity. I was so happy to come home. I wished we had stayed home and done our usual Xmas Eve and Xmas day routines. I think I would have been a much happier person. I've already suggested she see a counselor and a Dr. about her meds. It's hard for her to get out of the house and she doesn't seem to thing the therapist she's seen a few times is helping. I haven't even spoken to her since we left over the weekend. I just needed some time to decompress. Just venting. Not sure if there's anything I can do. Just sad at how sad and angry my mom is and that I couldn't have a nice visit with her and my father.