Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you talking about hosting playdates, or adult dinner parties? If he doesn't want to invite a big group over for a party I think it's fine to not host, just be sure to bring a bottle of wine and be a good guest. Not everyone likes to host dinner parties. But if he won't let your DS have playmates and their parents over, that would be a big problem for me. It's not fair to your kids to never let them host sleepovers etc. Is there an area of your house that can be a kids zone where the kids can make a mess while the adults chat nearby? Is your son old enough to help clean up after himself and his friends?

It sounds like maybe your DH has underlying anxiety or some other kind of issue. Cleaning up while people are still over is pretty rude and over the top.

I'm talking a few preschool friends and their families over for playing and pizza. DS is 3 and an only child. We have a playroom on the main level and a finished basement. DH would want to impose rules about food/drink staying in the kitchen area (we have an open floor plan) and I'm not comfortable with that because it doesn't put people at ease.

-OP

I'm 15:17. I think it's fine to tell the kids to keep the food/drink in the kitchen area. Set a kid friendly size table for the kids. They can go play, and when they want food/drink, they can come and nibble then go run off again, and come back if they want more. Set the rule: food/drink only on this table. We have done this, and so have other friends. I would definitely do this with toddlers.

I kind of get the anxiety of about kids making a mess. Some of our friends' kids are really wild, and when they leave, the rooms where the kids were playing in look like a tornado went through it. I dread that part. Most of the time, when we leave a friend's house, I make sure the kids do a bit of help cleaning up. But other parents don't seem to do that at my house. It does irk me some. But yes, if you want to maintain those friendships and be invited over, you do have to reciprocate. My DH is more social than I am and is more accepting of the mess than me. I think it gets a bit easier when the kids are older.

Maybe you could have a picnic at the park. I know that only works in non-winter months. In the winter, maybe just host once or twice as a compromise. I don't know old your kids are, but they should also help clean up the toys. I tell my kids that this is part of hosing their friends - that they have to clean up after them. And if they want to be invited to other people's houses then this is what they have to deal with because it goes both ways.

Anonymous wrote:I think you're fine as long as you bring nice things when you go to other's houses. Like go overboard a little. Instead of an average bottle of wine, bring a really nice one, or bring great flowers, a special dessert, or a hostess gift. This is what I would do, of course I am not the life of the party, I think if you have a great personality and people enjoy your company, then you will be invited regardless of your hosting or not.

oh sorry, I see you meant play dates.

I think you're fine as long as you bring nice things when you go to other's houses. Like go overboard a little. Instead of an average bottle of wine, bring a really nice one, or bring great flowers, a special dessert, or a hostess gift. This is what I would do, of course I am not the life of the party, I think if you have a great personality and people enjoy your company, then you will be invited regardless of your hosting or not.

Anonymous wrote:Are you talking about hosting playdates, or adult dinner parties? If he doesn't want to invite a big group over for a party I think it's fine to not host, just be sure to bring a bottle of wine and be a good guest. Not everyone likes to host dinner parties. But if he won't let your DS have playmates and their parents over, that would be a big problem for me. It's not fair to your kids to never let them host sleepovers etc. Is there an area of your house that can be a kids zone where the kids can make a mess while the adults chat nearby? Is your son old enough to help clean up after himself and his friends?

It sounds like maybe your DH has underlying anxiety or some other kind of issue. Cleaning up while people are still over is pretty rude and over the top.

I'm talking a few preschool friends and their families over for playing and pizza. DS is 3 and an only child. We have a playroom on the main level and a finished basement. DH would want to impose rules about food/drink staying in the kitchen area (we have an open floor plan) and I'm not comfortable with that because it doesn't put people at ease.

-OP

Are you talking about hosting playdates, or adult dinner parties? If he doesn't want to invite a big group over for a party I think it's fine to not host, just be sure to bring a bottle of wine and be a good guest. Not everyone likes to host dinner parties. But if he won't let your DS have playmates and their parents over, that would be a big problem for me. It's not fair to your kids to never let them host sleepovers etc. Is there an area of your house that can be a kids zone where the kids can make a mess while the adults chat nearby? Is your son old enough to help clean up after himself and his friends?

It sounds like maybe your DH has underlying anxiety or some other kind of issue. Cleaning up while people are still over is pretty rude and over the top.

I haven't thrown a christmas/halloween/housewarming party of any kind bc DH hates hosting for the same reasons. Doesn't want people f'cking up the house. It's not a hill worth dying on for me so I just enjoy other people's parties!

I read him the riot act. Seriously.

It happened recently, when a friend we had invited, who knows very well that we keep a shoeless house, ran across the whole first floor chasing after the kids in play. He had forgotten, which once in a while is not a huge deal for me.

But DH, who never likes to host, was super grumpy about it and blamed this whole incident on me, pulled his immature blackmail such as "I'm not helping you clean up", etc. Boy was he in trouble the next few days after that!

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband unnerved by big to-dos? Like multi-course dinners or other fancier events, or does he get nervous if it's just another couple over for a casual brunch or a few guys to watch football? If the latter, maybe the type of get together is weighing on him, and he may be more comfortable with a casual type of get together.

OP here. I think he gets unnerved by having kids over. Before we had DS we'd entertain a few times a year and it was pretty much ok. Our friends knew him and could laugh off his tendencies to start cleaning up early, but he gets stressed that kids will make a mess and that their parents won't be watching them/intervening.

I have a "we don't live in a museum" attitude, so it's a bit different. I want to start inviting some of DS's friends and their families over for casual play dates but don't want people we don't know well to feel uncomfortable when DH spends the whole time cleaning up behind people and looking annoyed. I don't want to be known as the family who doesn't reciprocate invites. I also feel like we'd probably be invited to more things if we hosted more often. I feel like it would be awkward to invite people to a restaurant and then pay for them when we don't have a standing relationship already. I'm trying to cultivate more social relationships for us and DS beyond our primary circle of friends.

Is your husband unnerved by big to-dos? Like multi-course dinners or other fancier events, or does he get nervous if it's just another couple over for a casual brunch or a few guys to watch football? If the latter, maybe the type of get together is weighing on him, and he may be more comfortable with a casual type of get together.

Host friends elsewhere or host adults only.

I second the idea of socializing out of the house - it solves the issue in many ways. If you feel that you "owe" friends back for hosting you, you could always pick up the bill at a restaurant or prearrange (and pay) for champagne to be delivered once you sit down.

Just a few families can create a huge mess, OP, especially if they're not the type to pitch in and have their kids do the same.

You say it creates stress for you, but obviously it's stressful for him too. So just host friends at a restaurant. I wouldn't try to change your husband's behavior.

I think your invitations to other people's houses will dry up a lot faster if you have people over and your husband acts like a jerk to them. We don't have people over often because we don't have a great space for entertaining more than 2-3 other people.

Perhaps you could establish a monthly restaurant date with other families. It will still cost money, but maybe your husband will be less jerky to your friends.

Anyone else have a spouse who hates hosting? He doesn't like the potential mess that more people create or the cost involved. He does enjoy going to other peoples' houses though. I try to explain that those invites will dry up if we never reciprocate, but he disagrees. I'm not even talking about big parties, but having just a few families over.

If we do have anyone over and something happens, like a broken glass or something, then after the fact he blames me for having them come over. It creates anxiety for me so I don't end up inviting people over because I don't want to deal with his attitude if there is any mess. You can also see the annoyance on his face while the guests are here and it's uncomfortable for all involved. He's the type who starts cleaning up when guests are still eating. I see it as his issue that he needs to deal with, but I don't want him to get pissy at me so I avoid the situation.

Any ways to get through to him if you've BTDT?