Anonymous
12/29/2014 14:36
Subject: Re:I never realized how abusive MIL is
Good advice. And remember, your FIL gets something out of this or he wouldn't go along with this.Anonymous wrote:JOHN, BRING A SWEATER. JOHN, YOU MAY NOT EAT THAT. JOHN, PUT THE BUTTER ON YOUR BREAD...
Oh boy, that made me giggle!! Thank you OP. Here is my advice: you cannot fix her and you should not even try. You can fix yourself, and you should try that. People are the way they are for a reason, and your MIL has possibly decades of experience with her DH behind that behavior. I can not imagine any way a conversation about her behavior would go without hurt feelings, drama, and no positive outcome. As for your own kids, yeah, that's obnoxious, I get it, but you know what, your kids cannot and should not be sheltered from every obnoxious adult in the world. They have to learn to deal with people with different opinions and behaviors and life experiences, and that includes your MIL. Being around discomfort is how we grow and become more tolerant people. Unless your MIL were living with you, or you see her very often, this is not really a problem.
And it's good that you are self-aware enough to know that you have the potential for a similar dynamic with your own DH (we all marry a parent, don't we?). The best way to avoid this is to continue to be self-aware and treat your husband with respect and politeness. Say please, thank you, sorry, and what do you think, DH? frequently.
Both my mother and my MIL saw their husbands as having ruined their lives but when their husbands died they were overcome with grief. I realized how easy it is to blame my problems on my husband and that if I didn't learn from their mistakes that I would be heading in the same direction.
Here's my theory: when I was young, I felt controlled by my mother. As I grew older, I rebelled against her and decided I would never be like her. But eventually I saw how I was like her and I decided to use her example as a way for me to understand myself better and to learn to be different.
Anonymous
12/29/2014 14:35
Subject: I never realized how abusive MIL is
Anonymous wrote:Okay, abusive is a bit much. But she's HIGHLY directive to my FIL, who can be a bit clueless but is a genuinely a nice guy. She's definitely the dominant personality in the couple, but over Christmas what I noticed is that not just does she boss him around, it's about inane things (JOHN, BRING A SWEATER. JOHN, YOU MAY NOT EAT THAT. JOHN, PUT THE BUTTER ON YOUR BREAD... and yes, these are quotes from real life).
What really bothers me, however is how this extends to my kids. Again, it's definitely not abusive, but I would really like it if she said "please" to them every once in a while and let them make mistakes/make decisions, esp. about stuff that doesn't matter. It's a constant stream of "do this, don't do that, now do this" from her and it's tiring to listen to.
1) Any hints on how to deal with this with my kids? They stayed w us over Thanksgiving and I had to bite my tounge from saying "DO NOT speak to my children like they are idiots. Oh, you might want to be nicer to your DH, too"
2) I'm terrified that this learned helplessness that my FIL seems to have is a tendency my DH will/does have as well. Part of the reason this whole thing is freaking me out so much is that I too definitely have a stronger personality than my DH (I try not to be, but I have Type A tendencies while DH is really laid back). I DO NOT want to turn into this woman. Nor do I want that sort of dynamic in general to emerge.
What do you think?
I think you married a man you knew you could bully so yes, you will become what you hate the most. Your MIL.
Anonymous
12/29/2014 14:30
Subject: I never realized how abusive MIL is
This sounds like my MIL. I don't think I have ever heard the woman utter a single "please" or "thank you". It's irritating beyond belief because ordering people about in gruff tone is her favorite thing to do.
I deal with by being super polite around her. Even when she's being a total witch, I always give her a hug goodbye, and say thanks for the nice time etc. That models everything I need to my children. They must be polite too, even if she is not, because it's the right thing to do.
I deal with by being super polite around her. Even when she's being a total witch, I always give her a hug goodbye, and say thanks for the nice time etc. That models everything I need to my children. They must be polite too, even if she is not, because it's the right thing to do.
Anonymous
12/29/2014 14:29
Subject: I never realized how abusive MIL is
I think you should leave it alone. My parents have been married nearly 60 years. My dad looks all pathetic now at 85 when my mom harps on him, but I remember the shoe being on the other foot 40 years ago!
I've been married nearly 25 years and my DH and I occasionally engage in some old people griping...it's really something that long-married couples sometimes (or often) do, and it's inappropriate for you to intervene and believe you know what the marriage is truly like.
I've been married nearly 25 years and my DH and I occasionally engage in some old people griping...it's really something that long-married couples sometimes (or often) do, and it's inappropriate for you to intervene and believe you know what the marriage is truly like.
Anonymous
12/29/2014 13:06
Subject: I never realized how abusive MIL is
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:JOHN, BRING A SWEATER. JOHN, YOU MAY NOT EAT THAT. JOHN, PUT THE BUTTER ON YOUR BREAD...
I wouldn't try to change her relationship with her husband, but you can intervene gently if and when she does it to the kids.
If she says, "Larla, brush your teeth," say, "actually, we do bedtime reading first. I'll let her know when it's time to brush teeth." (Or whatever the situation in your house actually is.)
If she says "Larlo, put the butter on your bread," say, "Larlo prefers not to have butter on his bread, so it's fine for him to have it. Larlo, could you please pass the butter to your sister?" (Again, intervening gently but making it clear that her orders don't take precedence.)
And this would help how, exactly? Seems like you are encouraging a power struggle to me.
Anonymous
12/29/2014 12:54
Subject: I never realized how abusive MIL is
How about setting a good example? Talk to you DH and children in front of mother in law. Ask, would you like to go to the park at 2 or 3 PM? If mother-in-law jumps into the conversation, ask the question again to the intended person and allow THEM to answer. Actually, giving kids small choices like this lists them feel like they have some choices in their life. Nobody wants to be bossed around 24/7.
Anonymous
12/29/2014 12:13
Subject: I never realized how abusive MIL is
Anonymous wrote:JOHN, BRING A SWEATER. JOHN, YOU MAY NOT EAT THAT. JOHN, PUT THE BUTTER ON YOUR BREAD...
I wouldn't try to change her relationship with her husband, but you can intervene gently if and when she does it to the kids.
If she says, "Larla, brush your teeth," say, "actually, we do bedtime reading first. I'll let her know when it's time to brush teeth." (Or whatever the situation in your house actually is.)
If she says "Larlo, put the butter on your bread," say, "Larlo prefers not to have butter on his bread, so it's fine for him to have it. Larlo, could you please pass the butter to your sister?" (Again, intervening gently but making it clear that her orders don't take precedence.)
Anonymous
12/29/2014 11:54
Subject: Re:I never realized how abusive MIL is
JOHN, BRING A SWEATER. JOHN, YOU MAY NOT EAT THAT. JOHN, PUT THE BUTTER ON YOUR BREAD...
Oh boy, that made me giggle!! Thank you OP. Here is my advice: you cannot fix her and you should not even try. You can fix yourself, and you should try that. People are the way they are for a reason, and your MIL has possibly decades of experience with her DH behind that behavior. I can not imagine any way a conversation about her behavior would go without hurt feelings, drama, and no positive outcome. As for your own kids, yeah, that's obnoxious, I get it, but you know what, your kids cannot and should not be sheltered from every obnoxious adult in the world. They have to learn to deal with people with different opinions and behaviors and life experiences, and that includes your MIL. Being around discomfort is how we grow and become more tolerant people. Unless your MIL were living with you, or you see her very often, this is not really a problem.
And it's good that you are self-aware enough to know that you have the potential for a similar dynamic with your own DH (we all marry a parent, don't we?). The best way to avoid this is to continue to be self-aware and treat your husband with respect and politeness. Say please, thank you, sorry, and what do you think, DH? frequently.
Anonymous
12/29/2014 11:51
Subject: I never realized how abusive MIL is
Anonymous wrote:Okay, abusive is a bit much. But she's HIGHLY directive to my FIL, who can be a bit clueless but is a genuinely a nice guy. She's definitely the dominant personality in the couple, but over Christmas what I noticed is that not just does she boss him around, it's about inane things (JOHN, BRING A SWEATER. JOHN, YOU MAY NOT EAT THAT. JOHN, PUT THE BUTTER ON YOUR BREAD... and yes, these are quotes from real life).
What really bothers me, however is how this extends to my kids. Again, it's definitely not abusive, but I would really like it if she said "please" to them every once in a while and let them make mistakes/make decisions, esp. about stuff that doesn't matter. It's a constant stream of "do this, don't do that, now do this" from her and it's tiring to listen to.
1) Any hints on how to deal with this with my kids? They stayed w us over Thanksgiving and I had to bite my tounge from saying "DO NOT speak to my children like they are idiots. Oh, you might want to be nicer to your DH, too"
2) I'm terrified that this learned helplessness that my FIL seems to have is a tendency my DH will/does have as well. Part of the reason this whole thing is freaking me out so much is that I too definitely have a stronger personality than my DH (I try not to be, but I have Type A tendencies while DH is really laid back). I DO NOT want to turn into this woman. Nor do I want that sort of dynamic in general to emerge.
What do you think?
Being aware of it and wanting to avoid/change the behavior is two-thirds of the battle, right there.
Anonymous
12/29/2014 11:32
Subject: I never realized how abusive MIL is
Okay, abusive is a bit much. But she's HIGHLY directive to my FIL, who can be a bit clueless but is a genuinely a nice guy. She's definitely the dominant personality in the couple, but over Christmas what I noticed is that not just does she boss him around, it's about inane things (JOHN, BRING A SWEATER. JOHN, YOU MAY NOT EAT THAT. JOHN, PUT THE BUTTER ON YOUR BREAD... and yes, these are quotes from real life).
What really bothers me, however is how this extends to my kids. Again, it's definitely not abusive, but I would really like it if she said "please" to them every once in a while and let them make mistakes/make decisions, esp. about stuff that doesn't matter. It's a constant stream of "do this, don't do that, now do this" from her and it's tiring to listen to.
1) Any hints on how to deal with this with my kids? They stayed w us over Thanksgiving and I had to bite my tounge from saying "DO NOT speak to my children like they are idiots. Oh, you might want to be nicer to your DH, too"
2) I'm terrified that this learned helplessness that my FIL seems to have is a tendency my DH will/does have as well. Part of the reason this whole thing is freaking me out so much is that I too definitely have a stronger personality than my DH (I try not to be, but I have Type A tendencies while DH is really laid back). I DO NOT want to turn into this woman. Nor do I want that sort of dynamic in general to emerge.
What do you think?
What really bothers me, however is how this extends to my kids. Again, it's definitely not abusive, but I would really like it if she said "please" to them every once in a while and let them make mistakes/make decisions, esp. about stuff that doesn't matter. It's a constant stream of "do this, don't do that, now do this" from her and it's tiring to listen to.
1) Any hints on how to deal with this with my kids? They stayed w us over Thanksgiving and I had to bite my tounge from saying "DO NOT speak to my children like they are idiots. Oh, you might want to be nicer to your DH, too"
2) I'm terrified that this learned helplessness that my FIL seems to have is a tendency my DH will/does have as well. Part of the reason this whole thing is freaking me out so much is that I too definitely have a stronger personality than my DH (I try not to be, but I have Type A tendencies while DH is really laid back). I DO NOT want to turn into this woman. Nor do I want that sort of dynamic in general to emerge.
What do you think?