OP here. Thanks. It's actually when my mom and I put up reasonable boundaries that he FLIPS OUT. He went back and forth 5 times in a week as to whether he was coming to Christmas or disowning us. And his thinking is so disordered, there is no chance of trying to be rational with him.

PP, thanks for the book suggestion. I don't think he's BPD, but I'll check it out anyway. Because we do feel we are walking on eggshells.

OP, I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar situation with my sister. The most important things I've learned along the way are (1) ultimately, she is going to do what she wants and I can't make her get help, change her living situation, etc. and (2) understand my own boundaries (how much am I wiling to do before it starts to impact my own well being and my families). Sadly, the care and services available to the mentally ill, even those that are suicidal, are woefully inadequate. Take care and know you are not alone in this situation.

BPD? Need boundaries to stay sane. Read walking on eggshells

OP, could you consider a group home for him, run by the state? He is a danger to himself. He might be safer with constant supervision. He might have a better chance at a fuller life. It's not ideal, but he would be safe.

Yes, BTDT. It's hard. Every situation is different. In my case, it was my mother. We'd done everything we could for her and finally realized it wasn't the solution. We cut her off and keep our relationship to phone conversations and small Bday/XMas gifts.

I am at a total loss. He's been a mess since last summer when he tried to kill himself. Half of me wants to be there for him as I would for any illness. But half of me hates how much damage he's doing to everyone (including me) around him. How do you help someone when they hurt you? I don't want to abandon him. Everyone says mental illness is like physical illness, but physical illness doesn't make you abuse others. Anyone been there, done that?