I'm sorry, OP. My sister is going through something very similar. It's really tough. Can you vent to your friends/close relatives?

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have to hide things from the older kids, especially the one in high school. Give them some credit, don't keep them out of the loop and let them help you.

I'm not hiding anything, but I am certainly not going to vent to them about what a dick their father is, or how tough it is for me to go through this. Or how much I paid an attorney so that there is a chance their father will support them. They already see that he doesn't call, or arrange visits, but I'm not going to point out that he's out hiking and hanging out with his buddies. My job as a mom is to let THEM be sad, help them through it, give them a peaceful, consistent environment, and tell them that while life is tough right now, we will be ok. They do see me get sad and angry, but they need to know that they can count on me 100%. So yes, I need to protect them from certain things. It is not their job to help me, it is their job to do well in school, keep on track, and trust me.

I don't understand why you have to hide things from the older kids, especially the one in high school. Give them some credit, don't keep them out of the loop and let them help you.

I second the idea of talking to people at church. If you went to my church I would want to know so I could offer support, help, hugs, whatever. Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. I was in your kids shoes as a teenager. They will be okay. Explain things to them - talk to them and tell them you wish they could have more and are doing all you can. Ask them how they feel. It's really tough on all of you.

Are you sure your ILs haven't sent gifts? Maybe through your STBX? That seems pretty strange. If you're in touch with them, maybe ask them if you've missed something in as pleasant a way as possible? That bit seems really strange.

Well, they are a bit strange. We lost the house - and ILs know where the kids and I are living. STBX is staying at a single pals apt, playing bachelor. (you should see his FB page- sailing, hiking, reading, movies. Although I got off FB, this is what I've been told) It's just sad, sad, sad. And I'm about at my breaking point trying to make it ok for everyone.

How is he doing some of this without money? Mooching off of friends?

Yes. Mooching. He's a champ at that. He can be very charming when he needs to be.

It will get old fast. I'm pretty sure the friends will get tired of the moocher pretty soon. If he keeps mooching off of people, he will have no friends left. I have a feeling that's when he will come crawling back, looking to connect with the kids again. He's a loser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. I was in your kids shoes as a teenager. They will be okay. Explain things to them - talk to them and tell them you wish they could have more and are doing all you can. Ask them how they feel. It's really tough on all of you.

Are you sure your ILs haven't sent gifts? Maybe through your STBX? That seems pretty strange. If you're in touch with them, maybe ask them if you've missed something in as pleasant a way as possible? That bit seems really strange.

Well, they are a bit strange. We lost the house - and ILs know where the kids and I are living. STBX is staying at a single pals apt, playing bachelor. (you should see his FB page- sailing, hiking, reading, movies. Although I got off FB, this is what I've been told) It's just sad, sad, sad. And I'm about at my breaking point trying to make it ok for everyone.

How is he doing some of this without money? Mooching off of friends?

Yes. Mooching. He's a champ at that. He can be very charming when he needs to be.

OP, I would send a note to the ILs, and tell them that their grandchildren miss them (only if they do), and ask them if they could please send Christmas gifts to the kids as they usually do because the kids are very sad about the breakup of the marriage. Don't be angry or judgmental, just describe the situation. If they don't respond (they must be angry at you), then you've tried. But your ILs need to know that their grandkids still love and need them, even if their dad is out of the picture, at least for the moment.

So sorry about everything else. You don't need to keep a brave face, you don't need to protect the kids. They are old enough to know what's happening, and you owe it to them to be honest (age appropriately, of course) with them.

Try to get some counseling. Your church may offer free or no-cost counseling, which can help.

Best of luck to you OP. You'll weather this storm. Keep telling your kids you love them, that mistakes and hard times happen in every life, and you're sorry they are happening now, but this will pass in time, you are trying to sort things out, and you will have your own place, and life will move on. It will be a different life, but a better one, once you weather this storm.

Your DH sounds like a real piece of work. You and the kids are better off without him. Focus on that piece of luck!

I'm so sorry, OP.

I'd try your pastor, even just for a half hour of getting it out and crying. Sometimes churches have funds to help in situations like this, very quietly. And pastors tend to know the ins and outs of community services just because so much happens in a congregation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. I was in your kids shoes as a teenager. They will be okay. Explain things to them - talk to them and tell them you wish they could have more and are doing all you can. Ask them how they feel. It's really tough on all of you.

Are you sure your ILs haven't sent gifts? Maybe through your STBX? That seems pretty strange. If you're in touch with them, maybe ask them if you've missed something in as pleasant a way as possible? That bit seems really strange.

Well, they are a bit strange. We lost the house - and ILs know where the kids and I are living. STBX is staying at a single pals apt, playing bachelor. (you should see his FB page- sailing, hiking, reading, movies. Although I got off FB, this is what I've been told) It's just sad, sad, sad. And I'm about at my breaking point trying to make it ok for everyone.

How is he doing some of this without money? Mooching off of friends?

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP. Yes, I got us on medicaid, and we do go to a super church where my kids are very involved. While church is a great source of support, I am loathe to burden anyone with how difficult this is. I feel like I get so much already, that I have to put on a positive face (especially in front of the kids - who always seem to be with me) and reassure everyone that we are fine. It's a large, liberal congregation, but everyone has their own stressors, right?

Just FML. I'm grateful to have a house to stay in, rather than having to take them to a shelter. But it's not a home. And I can't give that to them right now. And I did shell out for an attny to make sure that once STBX (former decent earner) would pay support. But he's turned into such a wild card that it's pretty much all on me.

I'm PP that posted about going to church. I'm so glad you have support from a super church. But, don't try to put on a brave face all the time. You need support, financial as well as emotional. My church has little cards you can fill out asking for prayers, etc. You said your kids are with you most of the time, so maybe you could write a note. Yes, everyone has stressors, but some more than others.

If you went to my church I would offer you my support, whatever I could, I think most people would. God bless.

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. I was in your kids shoes as a teenager. They will be okay. Explain things to them - talk to them and tell them you wish they could have more and are doing all you can. Ask them how they feel. It's really tough on all of you.

Are you sure your ILs haven't sent gifts? Maybe through your STBX? That seems pretty strange. If you're in touch with them, maybe ask them if you've missed something in as pleasant a way as possible? That bit seems really strange.

Well, they are a bit strange. We lost the house - and ILs know where the kids and I are living. STBX is staying at a single pals apt, playing bachelor. (you should see his FB page- sailing, hiking, reading, movies. Although I got off FB, this is what I've been told) It's just sad, sad, sad. And I'm about at my breaking point trying to make it ok for everyone.

Thanks PP. Yes, I got us on medicaid, and we do go to a super church where my kids are very involved. While church is a great source of support, I am loathe to burden anyone with how difficult this is. I feel like I get so much already, that I have to put on a positive face (especially in front of the kids - who always seem to be with me) and reassure everyone that we are fine. It's a large, liberal congregation, but everyone has their own stressors, right?

Just FML. I'm grateful to have a house to stay in, rather than having to take them to a shelter. But it's not a home. And I can't give that to them right now. And I did shell out for an attny to make sure that once STBX (former decent earner) would pay support. But he's turned into such a wild card that it's pretty much all on me.

So sorry, OP. I was in your kids shoes as a teenager. They will be okay. Explain things to them - talk to them and tell them you wish they could have more and are doing all you can. Ask them how they feel. It's really tough on all of you.

Are you sure your ILs haven't sent gifts? Maybe through your STBX? That seems pretty strange. If you're in touch with them, maybe ask them if you've missed something in as pleasant a way as possible? That bit seems really strange.

OMG! I'm so sorry OP.

I don't know if you're religious, but maybe go to church on Xmas to get some comfort. A lot of churches also provide support for people in tough financial situations.

As for finances, I know it can be demeaning, but look at food pantries. Some kind of financial assistance from the local/state gov't? Make sure you file for child support. Even if your ex doesn't have anything now, if he does get a job in the future, you'll have the legal standing to get child support from him.

Hugs to you OP.

Separated this year - ex is zero involved with me or our three kids. We are couch surfing at my parents, for which I'm very grateful, but still, it's not our home. My soon to be former ILs have done nothing for my kids this holiday. They used to send three to four large boxes of beautifully wrapped presents, but this year my kids haven't gotten so much as a card. DH left us, which they encouraged, so I'm not sure why they are punishing our kids. I sent them a nice card and gift.

So this totally sucks, I have to be both mom and dad 24-7, tell them it's ok to be living where we are, and that their dad loves them, as do their grandparents. Dad remained local, ILs are on the West Coast. My folks are great, but aged and there is some dementia. I am buffering my kids from all sides. I suppose I'm venting, but there is just no relief in sight. My kids are old enough to get it (HS, MS, ES), so I'm fighting a losing battle. At my salary, I can't afford to support the 4 of us on my own. (yes - looking for a better one) And STBX has been unemployed for 8 months, and decimated our finances in the process of bailing.

I just want to cry, but I don't have that luxury. Merry f*cking Christmas.