OP here. Thanks for all of the good suggestions, and more importantly I appreciate everyone's compassion. For some reason I expected to get flamed for this, I think I'm just embarrassed about the whole situation, even though it has nothing to do with me.

For those of you who are dealing or have dealt with this issue yourselves, I'm so sorry and I wish you the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The hard part is that when everything is special, nothing is special. After a day or so of sorting through it all, my brother and I started just throwing everything out--it's just too tiring to go through everything.

Really, in the end, all that's important is photo albums. I beg all hoarders to include in their hoarding tendencies a need to put names, dates and locations on their photos. OP, if you can get her to do a photo album project, it might help you later on.

This is my biggest fear with my in-laws. I just know that we will have to throw loads of things out regardless of how important they may be. There's no way we will be able to sort through it all. It would kill them to know what will happen to their things but it won't change them.

Top PP here again. After my brother and I cleaned out my dad's house, we had it cleaned and painted outside and in, etc. A family friend rented it and made it all homey. I remember standing there in that house and marveling at how cute it was, and how little time had passed between my dad's death and his house looking great. I was frustrated because I just wanted to reach back in time and pull my dad to the present, to say, "Look at your house, how great it looks and wouldn't it have been great for you to come home to this, and just months ago, if you had let me help you, you could have!" But, whatever. He liked having his sister's old carpet rolled up in the living room (the roll was about waist-high) and putting his big heavy TV and books on it. UGH. That carpet was there for 20 years, and it was supposed to be thrown out by his sister but no, he had to have it.

It is interesting to me how many ways first-world people can create their own prisons. I try to remember this concept, so I don't become a slave to any thing or activity.

You do realize that hoarding is a mental illness, yes? It's not exactly a choice, and it's a hard mental illness to treat because it's so hard to get folks to admit they need help. It often takes a pretty terrible crisis to precipitate action.

All that to say, try to forgive your dad…there are so many "what if"s in situations like these…and maybe talk to a professional if you can't clear through the emotional muddle of it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The hard part is that when everything is special, nothing is special. After a day or so of sorting through it all, my brother and I started just throwing everything out--it's just too tiring to go through everything.

Really, in the end, all that's important is photo albums. I beg all hoarders to include in their hoarding tendencies a need to put names, dates and locations on their photos. OP, if you can get her to do a photo album project, it might help you later on.

This is my biggest fear with my in-laws. I just know that we will have to throw loads of things out regardless of how important they may be. There's no way we will be able to sort through it all. It would kill them to know what will happen to their things but it won't change them.

Top PP here again. After my brother and I cleaned out my dad's house, we had it cleaned and painted outside and in, etc. A family friend rented it and made it all homey. I remember standing there in that house and marveling at how cute it was, and how little time had passed between my dad's death and his house looking great. I was frustrated because I just wanted to reach back in time and pull my dad to the present, to say, "Look at your house, how great it looks and wouldn't it have been great for you to come home to this, and just months ago, if you had let me help you, you could have!" But, whatever. He liked having his sister's old carpet rolled up in the living room (the roll was about waist-high) and putting his big heavy TV and books on it. UGH. That carpet was there for 20 years, and it was supposed to be thrown out by his sister but no, he had to have it.

It is interesting to me how many ways first-world people can create their own prisons. I try to remember this concept, so I don't become a slave to any thing or activity.

I'm in the daughter-of-hoarder club too. I have tried the social worker intervention but unless she wants to fix it, it's not happening. Heartbreaking.

OP,

I'd listen to this episode of the Diane Rhem show on hoarding:
http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2011-07-13/hoarding

Anonymous wrote:
The hard part is that when everything is special, nothing is special. After a day or so of sorting through it all, my brother and I started just throwing everything out--it's just too tiring to go through everything.

Really, in the end, all that's important is photo albums. I beg all hoarders to include in their hoarding tendencies a need to put names, dates and locations on their photos. OP, if you can get her to do a photo album project, it might help you later on.

This is my biggest fear with my in-laws. I just know that we will have to throw loads of things out regardless of how important they may be. There's no way we will be able to sort through it all. It would kill them to know what will happen to their things but it won't change them.

OP, no advice just sending prayers, support and good thoughts your way. PP advice about using county services is great. Hope things get better.

I was part of a weeklong hoarding cleanup at a relative's home this year. What made it finally happen was that the house finally fell apart--no heat, not fixable.

Call the county health department where your mom lives and see what it takes for them to intervene. Adult protective services in that county is another option. You might also try notifying her doctor--see if you can talk on the phone or write a letter describing the conditions and basically asking to look for greater signs of failing mental health or self neglect with age. None of this is going to be pretty or easy, but just get a sense of resources and what the tipping point might be.

There is a relatively new book out called "stuff: compulsive hoarding and the meaning of things" that has the latest research on it and is helpful.

Finally, get a therapist for yourself. This stuff is gut wrenching and hard and affects the mental health of family members. You will need it at some point.

And: there are companies that specialize in hoarding cleanup, which I highly recommend when the crisis eventually hits.

OP, I'm the OP of the post about my kids' Christmas presents which are currently lost in my mother's hoard.

I have no advice and only offer my sympathies. My father was a hoarder as well (they were divorced so he was in his own house) and when he died, it took 4 construction-sized dumpsters to clear out just his little house, not even his garage. He was a scientist so we had to spend $18K to get the chemicals safely out of his garage.

The hard part is that when everything is special, nothing is special. After a day or so of sorting through it all, my brother and I started just throwing everything out--it's just too tiring to go through everything.

Really, in the end, all that's important is photo albums. I beg all hoarders to include in their hoarding tendencies a need to put names, dates and locations on their photos. OP, if you can get her to do a photo album project, it might help you later on.

Anonymous wrote:Does her locality have anything like this?

http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/code/hoarding/

That's if someone is hoarding animals or creating a fire hazard. It won't stop OP's mom from hoarding.

Does her locality have anything like this?

http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/code/hoarding/

My mother is a hoarder too. It started when I was about two years old. I'm in my 40s now. (Depression and ADHD probably contribute to her tendencies too.)

Unfortunately with hoarders, confrontations (like how you would do an intervention for a drug user or alcoholic) only makes them more intransigent. There's nothing you can practically do unless she wants to help herself.

Basically, my mother will die in a pile of crap that I will have to sort out after she's dead. The sad thing is that I see where her tendencies (not the hoarding) but the inability to make a orderly home has affected me. (I have depression and ADHD as well.)

I would get her in touch with a financial counseling organization to help her with the finances. Your mom might accept that kind of help.

Anonymous wrote:I'd say she needs a social worker. One can be obtained in her area through adult care services (or elder care, depending on her age).

OP here. Wow, I don't know how this works for adults. I had never thought of this, thank you.

I should say that my brother is in close proximity and contact with her, and sees and talks to her regularly but he doesn't seem to feel as if there's a problem.

I'd say she needs a social worker. One can be obtained in her area through adult care services (or elder care, depending on her age).

My mother is a hoarder, there's no way around it. This has been escalating for years, and she has let her piles of stuff get in the way of and otherwise damage all of her interpersonal relationships. There is no talking, offering to help, or reasoning with her that comes to any positive end.

She is low income and works as much as she can but her health is declining. She is also a poor planner and she seems to have constant crisis, needing money for this bill or that bill but only mentioning it when said bill is already months late. I mention all of this because it compounds the situation. She is secretive about everything, and refuses offers of help regarding budgeting.

I live several hours away so I can't provide hands on assistance.

Does anyone have experience dealing with a family member like this?

Thank you for any insight you might have.