Anonymous
12/18/2014 14:02
Subject: Re:Have you dealt with this communication style?
You could have stopped the whole story here....
because DH never responds to emails - whole other story[i][u]
Your husband sucks. The whole MIL/BIL/NYE party is a red herring. That is not the WHOLE OTHER STORY. That is the ONLY story.
Your Husband needs to be a MAN and call his mother on a regular basis. He needs to step up and explain vacation plans to his family.
How do you deal with this... YOU TELL YOUR H TO MAN UP.
Also, ignore all the snide remarks from MIL, if you are confident that you are good, caring and supportive children (and children in law) these comments would not bother you.
because DH never responds to emails - whole other story[i][u]
Your husband sucks. The whole MIL/BIL/NYE party is a red herring. That is not the WHOLE OTHER STORY. That is the ONLY story.
Your Husband needs to be a MAN and call his mother on a regular basis. He needs to step up and explain vacation plans to his family.
How do you deal with this... YOU TELL YOUR H TO MAN UP.
Also, ignore all the snide remarks from MIL, if you are confident that you are good, caring and supportive children (and children in law) these comments would not bother you.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 13:59
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
Anonymous wrote:It's a bit frustrating but wondering whether others would just ignore or it or try to address it. Anyone dealt with someone like this?
MIL: Emails DH and me to ask about Christmas travel plans.
Me: Responds to email giving our plans (because DH never responds to emails - whole other story!)
MIL: Unhappy with our plans but does not respond to email. Complains about us to BIL (and maybe asks BIL to reach out or just bothers him until he does?)
BIL: Emails DH to try to guilt him into staying longer.
Me: Emails both BIL and MIL to explain why can't stay longer and invite them down to stay with us for New Years.
Why didn't she just respond to my email to ask if there was anyway we could stay longer? Why go through BIL and try the guilt trip?
Another example from a holiday:
MIL: Texts DH that phone going to die soon so call BIL if DH wants to talk to her
An hour goes by
BIL: Texts DH that he has his phone if DH wants to talk to MIL (no doubt because MIL told him to).
Me: Tells DH to call his mother because she clearly wants to talk to him.
DH: Calls his mother and she is happy.
If she wanted to speak to her son, why didn't she just call him?!
So I think I know the answer to this, but would you just ignore and keep playing her game?
You need to stop stepping in. In the email from BIL, it sounds like you weren't even copied on it, so why are you responding? You seem to be trying to smooth over any indication that it's your fault that you aren't spending more time with them (i.e., being the "bad guy"). But the fact that you butt in to respond to an email that wasn't even sent to you makes you look controlling and like it IS your fault. If MIL sends you and DH an email asking about holiday plans, great, respond. If someone later sends DH an email trying to "guilt" him into more, let him deal with it.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 13:50
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
Anonymous wrote:So the main thing here is that she doesn't feel comfortable enough talking to you about this. It would be 100% better if your DH spoke to his mom, asked if she had any questions and she'd feel comfortable voicing her concerns to her son. You're the DIL and it isn't the same.
But she didn't attempt to speak to her son. She had her other son talk to him.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:49
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
So the main thing here is that she doesn't feel comfortable enough talking to you about this. It would be 100% better if your DH spoke to his mom, asked if she had any questions and she'd feel comfortable voicing her concerns to her son. You're the DIL and it isn't the same.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:45
Subject: Re:Have you dealt with this communication style?
You shouldn't involve yourself in your husband's family business because when it goes to shit, and it will, you will get blamed. Do what I used to do, play dumb and say you know nothing, how about you call your son and straighten this all out.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:44
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
Anonymous wrote:This is called being passive-aggressive OP and yes, it is common. The only way you can deal with it is to stick to your plans. And to talk to your husband about the fact that his lack of communication basically means he is letting you be the fall guy. He needs to step up and reiterate your plans and deal with his own mother.
I'd also say that you shouldn't have rewarded the cruddy behavior in the first instance by offering them a visit at New Year's. In fact, BIL's e-mail only deserved a "Sheesh, bro, Mom can speak up for herself if she has a problem" from DH or no response at all.
If MIL can't communicate…well, oh well! But don't reward it with extra explanations or offers of time, especially if she's calling in other people to guilt trip you.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:43
Subject: Re:Have you dealt with this communication style?
How old is your MIL?
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:42
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
I think you're letting your DH off way to easily here. Yes his mom is passive aggressive, but he's also choosing not to deal with it. In example 2 the right course if for him to get the text, call his mom back because she obviously wants to talk to him, and say 'you know mom if you want to talk to me you can just say so.'
And I agree with others that I think *you* handled both well. Yes the passive aggressiveness is annoying and you don't want to encourage it, *but* maintaining family relationships is also important, so that's a tough balance to strike.
And I agree with others that I think *you* handled both well. Yes the passive aggressiveness is annoying and you don't want to encourage it, *but* maintaining family relationships is also important, so that's a tough balance to strike.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:42
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
Honestly, such interactions would only be annoying if there was a history of MIL trying to indirectly control people through others - being passive-aggressive, as PPs have explained.
I stay away from IL communications and let DH handle everything. If he drops the ball, it's on him. Not that my ILs are bad people - they're lovely! But just on principle.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:40
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
Anonymous wrote:This is called being passive-aggressive OP and yes, it is common. The only way you can deal with it is to stick to your plans. And to talk to your husband about the fact that his lack of communication basically means he is letting you be the fall guy. He needs to step up and reiterate your plans and deal with his own mother.
Totally agree! You are letting DH off the hook here. He needs to step up and deal with his own mother.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:36
Subject: Re:Have you dealt with this communication style?
I would try to minimize the "reward" that she gets for passive aggressiveness. So for the second example, I wouldn't have told DH to call. I think your response in the first example was reasonable, though.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 12:02
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
Yeah, that's what I figured. The weird thing is I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL so I find it strange that she feels the need to try to manipulate us. DH would have happily taken her call and I did all I could to find a way to see each other more during the holiday season. But when we feel like she's trying to manipulate us, then we get annoyed. Oh well.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 11:46
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
This is called being passive-aggressive OP and yes, it is common. The only way you can deal with it is to stick to your plans. And to talk to your husband about the fact that his lack of communication basically means he is letting you be the fall guy. He needs to step up and reiterate your plans and deal with his own mother.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 11:35
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
They don't have a 12-step program just for manipulative, controlling relatives but you know that if they did and you went to one, the message you would hear is that you can't control her and you can't change her.
Sounds to me like you're doing the right thing at least with regard to the first example -- setting limits and not giving in to the guilt trip. On the second example, I don't know whether you should have told dh to call her or not.
But while you and I both know what would make sense, you have to accept that your MIL is never going to see the wisdom of it and will never operate that way. All you can do is do what makes sense for your family and not let yourself be played.
Good luck, OP! Sounds like a drag.
Sounds to me like you're doing the right thing at least with regard to the first example -- setting limits and not giving in to the guilt trip. On the second example, I don't know whether you should have told dh to call her or not.
But while you and I both know what would make sense, you have to accept that your MIL is never going to see the wisdom of it and will never operate that way. All you can do is do what makes sense for your family and not let yourself be played.
Good luck, OP! Sounds like a drag.
Anonymous
12/18/2014 11:28
Subject: Have you dealt with this communication style?
It's a bit frustrating but wondering whether others would just ignore or it or try to address it. Anyone dealt with someone like this?
MIL: Emails DH and me to ask about Christmas travel plans.
Me: Responds to email giving our plans (because DH never responds to emails - whole other story!)
MIL: Unhappy with our plans but does not respond to email. Complains about us to BIL (and maybe asks BIL to reach out or just bothers him until he does?)
BIL: Emails DH to try to guilt him into staying longer.
Me: Emails both BIL and MIL to explain why can't stay longer and invite them down to stay with us for New Years.
Why didn't she just respond to my email to ask if there was anyway we could stay longer? Why go through BIL and try the guilt trip?
Another example from a holiday:
MIL: Texts DH that phone going to die soon so call BIL if DH wants to talk to her
An hour goes by
BIL: Texts DH that he has his phone if DH wants to talk to MIL (no doubt because MIL told him to).
Me: Tells DH to call his mother because she clearly wants to talk to him.
DH: Calls his mother and she is happy.
If she wanted to speak to her son, why didn't she just call him?!
So I think I know the answer to this, but would you just ignore and keep playing her game?
MIL: Emails DH and me to ask about Christmas travel plans.
Me: Responds to email giving our plans (because DH never responds to emails - whole other story!)
MIL: Unhappy with our plans but does not respond to email. Complains about us to BIL (and maybe asks BIL to reach out or just bothers him until he does?)
BIL: Emails DH to try to guilt him into staying longer.
Me: Emails both BIL and MIL to explain why can't stay longer and invite them down to stay with us for New Years.
Why didn't she just respond to my email to ask if there was anyway we could stay longer? Why go through BIL and try the guilt trip?
Another example from a holiday:
MIL: Texts DH that phone going to die soon so call BIL if DH wants to talk to her
An hour goes by
BIL: Texts DH that he has his phone if DH wants to talk to MIL (no doubt because MIL told him to).
Me: Tells DH to call his mother because she clearly wants to talk to him.
DH: Calls his mother and she is happy.
If she wanted to speak to her son, why didn't she just call him?!
So I think I know the answer to this, but would you just ignore and keep playing her game?