Anonymous wrote:OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.

If this is true, has your spouse asked the relative directly for some reciprocity?

"Hey Larla. Remember that time I helped you with your gutters? We could really use a hand next weekend for a couple of hours if you have some time! Whatdya say?"

OP here. That's just it, I don't think there's any obligation. Spouse thinks that because relative got lots of family help (including from us), there should be.

Gracious. Having such a relative seems like a blessing to be cherished!

I think expectation is the root of disappointment, so I try (try!) not to have expectations. Your husband might benefit from a similar approach.

Wow.

I wouldn't expect anything. I certainly wouldn't be "furious," you say your husband is.

I never quite understand this kind of post.

My parents help out as much as they can considering that they live across the country. They come out here a couple times a year and when my husband travels for work, they time their visit to overlap so I can have some extra hands. They also paid for my graduate degree, part of my car, and may give us their seven year old car, so I count that as help too.

If I had a non-parent relative in town, I wouldn't expect much help from them. Who is this person? A sibling? An aunt? I think watching the kids once a year on our anniversary would be awesome and probably the most I've ever ask of a non-parent relative and even then, if they said no, I wouldn't be offended. Some people just aren't good at babysitting and I don't want some one to do it solely out of obligation. I want people who genuinely want a relationship with my kids to be around and for me, that's my parents + some, but not all, of my siblings.

Sounds like your relative is really quite generous with time and money. Check your selfishness.

Babysitting is hard and not always that much fun -- very different from coming over to visit and play with the kid. Loving your kid does NOT equal loving to babysit. My parents love to babysit and do it often but only if it fits into their schedule, and I respect that. My MIL loves to come visit but doesn't really want to babysit, and I respect that too. That said, if we were in a true emergency and someone was in the hospital or something, I would expect any of them to drop what they are doing and come watch the kids if we asked. But short of that, nobody is obligated to you for anything, no matter how much they love your kids.

I never expected my family or my husband's family to make our lives easier. I had the kids, it was on me. My brother expected my mother to babysit for free. When she said no, he quit going to visit her.

Did this relative participate in the decision to conceive? I assume not, so why does your husband think this relative should help. Many relatives do help and are happy about it. Apparently this relative is not. Doesn't mean this relative doesn't love her grand kids any less, but she is obviously done raising them.

WTF??
You have an relative old enough to retire and somehow expect them to help out more -- why?
Seriously, why do you have this as an expectation???
Appreciate it if it is done, but dayyyummmm, did you consult them before you had kids so you would know how many kids they would be willing to help with?

People express love differently. My GF, for example, hated to babysit, but gave us money and gifted all the time. Your relative could be the same type of person.

Do you do anything for your relatives? Does your spouse do anything for their relatives?

Family is great for helping each other out, and for depending on each other. But retirement or not, working full time or not, all relationships are based on some level of reciprocity. Doesn't have to be 50/50, but even 90/10.

There no expectation to "get" from family, without also giving.

Would love an outside perspective on this.

We have two small kids and only one other relative in the area. Said relative adores the kids and buys them things often. Relative (who's retired) often comments that we have our hands full (we both WOH f/t). Relative has watched the kids for us a handful of times in the past few years.

Spouse is furious that relative doesn't help more often. I find it disappointing, but don't feel we have a right to expect anything (though I admit to being a little baffled that the frequent allusions to how tough it must be are never followed by offers to babysit).

Thoughts?