Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm like PP in that I don't really have it in me to take calls, but I was just talking about a three line email with a virtual hug, or a "thinking of you. Even a FB message, that would be easy. This is my first major loss, and I realize everyone is different, but I really do appreciate each and every note, no matter how small.

I won't hold it against them and don't necessarily feel it will impact my relationship with them going forward...I'm just a bit hurt is all.

Thank you for the feedback.

OP I'm sorry for your loss. IL's may recognize that you're not up for calls, and not want to intrude. It can be hard to know exactly what people prefer when grieving. Why not talk with your DH, and let him convey your wishes.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm like PP in that I don't really have it in me to take calls, but I was just talking about a three line email with a virtual hug, or a "thinking of you. Even a FB message, that would be easy. This is my first major loss, and I realize everyone is different, but I really do appreciate each and every note, no matter how small.

I won't hold it against them and don't necessarily feel it will impact my relationship with them going forward...I'm just a bit hurt is all.

Thank you for the feedback.

I'm that PP. Have you talked to your DH about this? He may have said something like you are overwhelmed with the outpouring or that you needed some space and privacy and they told him to give you a hug, to reach out if you needed anything, basically everything you wished they had done. I wouldn't be hurt until you found out how exactly DH is relaying discussions with them.

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I am sorry about your loss - I lost my father last year and have a few major losses in the past 3 years. You say that your IL are checking in on you through DH. So yes, they are checking in on you. Everyone grieves differently and it is impossible to read someone's mind as to what they need emotionally during a time of loss. If you need a bit more, a conversation, an extra shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to you cry on the phone, then call. Can you call your MIL or SIL just to talk? Try not to be too hard on them, it sounds like your well-being is of concern to them, which is why they are asking DH about you. You cannot fault them for knowing EXACTLY how you want to be comforted.

Yes - this.

People are awkward with grief - it's hard to know the right thing to say or do, and it's hard to know what you'll want when the time comes. Also, what you may want or need can shift a lot after a loss. So ask for what you want, and trust that they care about you and just don't know exactly what you need. Also, remember that you're more tender than you would normally be so you're more sensitive to stuff, a little more caught up in what's happening with you right now than might be normal, etc... Don't make any big decisions about people or take any big actions.

Your grief will level in time, and they will come out of the woodwork in time also.

I'm sorry about your Dad.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.


Some people (myself in a former life) just don't know what to say to a huge loss. they cower. It has nothing to do with you. Added to that if your DH is telling them something like "she doesn't want any calls" maybe they are taking it that you want to be left alone.

Please don't let this become a grudge.

Just came to say sorry about your loss, OP. hugs

OP,
I am sorry about your loss - I lost my father last year and have a few major losses in the past 3 years. You say that your IL are checking in on you through DH. So yes, they are checking in on you. Everyone grieves differently and it is impossible to read someone's mind as to what they need emotionally during a time of loss. If you need a bit more, a conversation, an extra shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to you cry on the phone, then call. Can you call your MIL or SIL just to talk? Try not to be too hard on them, it sounds like your well-being is of concern to them, which is why they are asking DH about you. You cannot fault them for knowing EXACTLY how you want to be comforted.

OP here. I'm like PP in that I don't really have it in me to take calls, but I was just talking about a three line email with a virtual hug, or a "thinking of you. Even a FB message, that would be easy. This is my first major loss, and I realize everyone is different, but I really do appreciate each and every note, no matter how small.

I won't hold it against them and don't necessarily feel it will impact my relationship with them going forward...I'm just a bit hurt is all.

Thank you for the feedback.

Nope, I think this is completely rude and says a lot about them as people. You can give someone space but also send a card or an email and say we are here for you if you need us.

I agree with PP that a lot of people are full of crap about being "close" but not really in a way that reflects true emotional exchange. I'm sorry you've been let down by them. Incidentally, this exact situation happened with my mother and she is still very hurt over it 10 years later. Try to work through it - they aren't worth the sadness. Sorry to hear about your loss and hope you are ok.

You also know your IL, did you honestly expect more, not want, but expect more. They honestly may not really care that much. My inlaws would be the same way. They would say we are all a close family, but I really know they don't care in away that requires effort.

They're trying to give you room to grieve. When someone dies MIL swoops in and overwhelms the grieving parties. It becomes the MIL show.

OP, DH can tell his parents that you are OK with them being closer to you at this time.

p.s. I'm sorry about your father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they checking on you "through" your DH? Like asking him how you are?

Yes.

Then it sounds like they are trying to be respectful and give you some space. When my parent passed away, I was overwhelmed with calls and emails and at a certain point I just didn't have the energy to respond anymore. I was tired of writing and saying the same thing over and over again. I wouldn't feel as let down as you are, as it seems they are trying to give you space. Your husband should tell them, "you know, Larla would really love to hear directly from you." If he's fielding all the calls and emails, then you need to communicate better with him. I don't really see you as having a reason to be hurt by them at all.

Anonymous wrote:Are they checking on you "through" your DH? Like asking him how you are?

Yes.

Did you call to tell them your father passed away? It's a relationship - you call, you talk, they talk. Where you keeping them informed about his condition?

My guess is they are giving you space.

Certainly a note or card should be the minimal of what they do - but I'm guessing you have some role here.

Are they checking on you "through" your DH? Like asking him how you are?

My father recently passed away, and I really haven't heard anything from DH's family, not even a quick wmail checking in.
We have a close relationship so I am disappointed. I'm working on letting it go, and I will, but what to do with these hurt feelings?