Anonymous wrote:My brother has descended into mental illness in a horrible way. The severity of it has taken a real toll on my aging mother, in her 70s, widowed, and a cancer survivor. The stress is so horrific, it's affecting both her mental and physical health.

One of the bad, stressful aspects of it is how my brother is treating his children (middle school aged). They are suffering greatly, with no stability, unsure of whether they can trust their father to be there for them. They've been abandoned more than once, and worse.

In an effort to maintain some semblance of tradition for the kids, my mother has moved our Christmas Eve family gathering from Christmas Eve to the weekend, so that the kids can be there. It's not ideal. Nobody is thrilled. But it's the only way we can think of to ensure the kids are with us (which is what they are begging their mother for (parents divorced)). And the old folks (mom's generation) have expressed repeatedly that they are sad they haven't seen the kids in almost 18 months (because of brother's flake-outs).

So my mom changed up this 50 year tradition, and is now getting mean feedback from other relatives (her generation, not ours). Which she could handle just fine in normal circumstances, but it is heartbreaking to her now after such long-term emotional stress.

I want to scream at them. She's done this for 50 years. She is elderly. It's hard for her to prepare for that many people in the first place. I've taken over every other holiday but she doesn't want to give this one up. I will do the boatload of the work for her, but I can't do anything about the date change. I feel the critical relatives are both taking her for granted and can't see that being with family trumps what day the family is together.

Is there anything I can do to smooth this over?

You don't need to scream it. You have your mom tell the relatives this and you tell them also. It is what it is. Maybe it's time for those relatives to get their own holiday traditions. 50 yrs is long enough. It was a good run. move on.

OP - Agree with all the others. Make a call directly to those who are upsetting your Mom and briefly put the point that these kids have not been with their Grandma for 18 months and need her and this tradition a lot more than anyone else. How awful to try and make a holiday all about them AND it seems they have never done much for it either.

Do people know why she changed the date? If not, inform them. Keeping your brother's condition a secret is doing no one any favors.

Saving Xmas for children kinda out ranks the traditional timing of this event. People have got to understand this, or fuck em.

Hold your brother's children close. Make a plan to grab them for their Spring Break. Read up on his illness and how best to support your mother (e.g. it's not her fault).

You're doing the best you can. Relax and do what you can do.

Sorry for your troubles OP. Focus on the children and let adults take care of themselves. Perhaps they don't really understand mental illness? Sometimes older people haven't really caught up with the modern understanding.

Maybe you should scream at them OP. Because they sound petty, selfish and really just unbelievably short-sighted.

I'm sorry, OP. Sometimes even people we love can suck. But I think you are an awesome daughter (and aunt!)

Thanks all. I hate the idea of telling older people to suck it up but I think I will have to.

Agree with above. Be blunt with the old relatives giving your mother a hard time.

I'm sorry OP, I grieve for your situation. People are so selfish. Do your best to help your mother out. Maybe you could figure out how to have a smaller gathering but just as warm for the children and easier on your mother.

I would have no issue with being totally blunt with your selfish relatives who are having issue with the date change. I would flat out tell them come or don't. We have some crap going on and this is how it will be this year. You don't have to accept the invitation. And if you want to do something on Christmas Eve then it's your turn to host. I would lay it out and tell them to lay off.

My brother has descended into mental illness in a horrible way. The severity of it has taken a real toll on my aging mother, in her 70s, widowed, and a cancer survivor. The stress is so horrific, it's affecting both her mental and physical health.

One of the bad, stressful aspects of it is how my brother is treating his children (middle school aged). They are suffering greatly, with no stability, unsure of whether they can trust their father to be there for them. They've been abandoned more than once, and worse.

In an effort to maintain some semblance of tradition for the kids, my mother has moved our Christmas Eve family gathering from Christmas Eve to the weekend, so that the kids can be there. It's not ideal. Nobody is thrilled. But it's the only way we can think of to ensure the kids are with us (which is what they are begging their mother for (parents divorced)). And the old folks (mom's generation) have expressed repeatedly that they are sad they haven't seen the kids in almost 18 months (because of brother's flake-outs).

So my mom changed up this 50 year tradition, and is now getting mean feedback from other relatives (her generation, not ours). Which she could handle just fine in normal circumstances, but it is heartbreaking to her now after such long-term emotional stress.

I want to scream at them. She's done this for 50 years. She is elderly. It's hard for her to prepare for that many people in the first place. I've taken over every other holiday but she doesn't want to give this one up. I will do the boatload of the work for her, but I can't do anything about the date change. I feel the critical relatives are both taking her for granted and can't see that being with family trumps what day the family is together.

Is there anything I can do to smooth this over?