Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm perplexed as to why your MIL is the focus of your anger. It seems to me that your DH telling her and then supporting her deception is a much larger issue, and that the MIL issue is really tangential.

I am angry at DH too but am able to communicate directly with him so I can work through that part of it.

Even if my resentment isn't properly placed though, I need some advice for how to handle it. I appreciate advice like "move on" but without something more concrete it's unlikely to work for me because I am really hurting.

The difference is I have a means to work through that with him, whereas I don't have a direct line of communication with MIL and I'm not sure I want one.

Anonymous wrote:Yup. It's all DH's fault, so take it up with him. You should tell your MIL that you know now, though.

Anonymous wrote:You hold on to things for far too long. 1.5 years later? Should not be an issue or even cross your mind. Also is it productive to discuss how your relationship went wrong with MIL? Why not focus on either improving it or improving your boundaries/expectations?

Anonymous wrote:I'm perplexed as to why your MIL is the focus of your anger. It seems to me that your DH telling her and then supporting her deception is a much larger issue, and that the MIL issue is really tangential.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I agreed to tell our families about our pregnancy when we were all together at a family gathering (both our parents would be there). I was 17 weeks at the time of the gathering. I was nervous about miscarriage and also pretty sick, and knew it would make things worse for me if people knew. DH and I agreed we could each tell a few out of town friends.

After the pregnancy announcement MIL immediately became strangely passive-aggressive. Like "did so-and-so know before me?" and getting on the phone with people to tell them about the pregnancy and saying things in my earshot like "yeah, they're not finding the gender, yes, i know, what a horrible idea" - I let it go several times, and at some point I actually said to her directly "are you upset that we didn't tell you? We weren't intending anything malicious with that, we just wanted to celebrate together, and I wasn't comfortable telling anyone for awhile." That worked to stop the barrage of passive aggression, but she still remained annoying in general about the pregnancy, and something just felt off about it and I just felt like I couldn't really trust MIL after that. I kind of traced the deterioration of my relationship with her to that day.

So then about 1.5 years later, I am talking to DH about where things went wrong with his MIL, and I again traced it back to this trip. And he comes out with, there's something I should tell you about that. Apparently he had told his mom about the pregnancy and she was just overacting to keep that from me, that whole time. Even after she knew it was upsetting me.

I feel pretty betrayed, but I'm not sure what to do about it. MIL still doesn't know I know. I'm happy to hear advice such as "get over it, you're overreacting," but I'm not sure DCUM's invalidating my feelings will be enough for me. I can try to ignore it, but I feel hurt that MIL would think that building her relationship with me (not to mention my relationship with DH) on a lie was a good idea. I don't hold grudges in the sense of anger, but it's hard for me to feel trust for someone who hasn't unequivocally acknowledged doing anything wrong in a way that makes clear that it won't happen again. And at this point I've been pretty protective of myself around MIL ever since then, so it would be really difficult to take down those walls. And whenever I have felt a deep betrayal of trust I have never fully been able to salvage the relationship back to a warm one.

As for DH I felt betrayed too, but at least we have communicated about it, so I'm not holding in a bunch of feelings.

It's an unpleasant situation, but you MIL has little to do with it. Since it's your husband who chose to tell his mom about your pregnancy, she can't promise it wont happen again. Additionally, say you were in her shoes, what would you do? If you tell your DIL that your son, her DH broke her trust, it might hurt their marriage. If you don't - well, you get what you just wrote. She was in a tricky position and her actions are understandable.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I agreed to tell our families about our pregnancy when we were all together at a family gathering (both our parents would be there). I was 17 weeks at the time of the gathering. I was nervous about miscarriage and also pretty sick, and knew it would make things worse for me if people knew. DH and I agreed we could each tell a few out of town friends.

After the pregnancy announcement MIL immediately became strangely passive-aggressive. Like "did so-and-so know before me?" and getting on the phone with people to tell them about the pregnancy and saying things in my earshot like "yeah, they're not finding the gender, yes, i know, what a horrible idea" - I let it go several times, and at some point I actually said to her directly "are you upset that we didn't tell you? We weren't intending anything malicious with that, we just wanted to celebrate together, and I wasn't comfortable telling anyone for awhile." That worked to stop the barrage of passive aggression, but she still remained annoying in general about the pregnancy, and something just felt off about it and I just felt like I couldn't really trust MIL after that. I kind of traced the deterioration of my relationship with her to that day.

So then about 1.5 years later, I am talking to DH about where things went wrong with his MIL, and I again traced it back to this trip. And he comes out with, there's something I should tell you about that. Apparently he had told his mom about the pregnancy and she was just overacting to keep that from me, that whole time. Even after she knew it was upsetting me.

I feel pretty betrayed, but I'm not sure what to do about it. MIL still doesn't know I know. I'm happy to hear advice such as "get over it, you're overreacting," but I'm not sure DCUM's invalidating my feelings will be enough for me. I can try to ignore it, but I feel hurt that MIL would think that building her relationship with me (not to mention my relationship with DH) on a lie was a good idea. I don't hold grudges in the sense of anger, but it's hard for me to feel trust for someone who hasn't unequivocally acknowledged doing anything wrong in a way that makes clear that it won't happen again. And at this point I've been pretty protective of myself around MIL ever since then, so it would be really difficult to take down those walls. And whenever I have felt a deep betrayal of trust I have never fully been able to salvage the relationship back to a warm one.

As for DH I felt betrayed too, but at least we have communicated about it, so I'm not holding in a bunch of feelings.