Whose idea was it to visit her -- yours or your DH's?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"I've tried the approach of telling DH that we just don't need to visit but he always optimistically thinks it'll be different and it never is. "

What is the definition of insanity?

Let DH visit his mother alone and nip this shit in the bud.

You are not going to "nip this shit in the bud". You should support your husband and run interference when you see it starting. Do not try and correct something you know nothing about and has developed over 30 years. I have a mother like this. It is good your husband stand up to her.

Op here. I sort of agree though at this point, I am also annoyed with being put in the position of having to run interference. Nothing she's doing warrants the attitude he's displaying. If our child was the one being sullen, ungrateful and irritable, the behavior would be unacceptable yet DH thinks it's okay for him because he's been driven crazy by his mom's mannerisms, conversation topics, etc. for 35 years.

At this point, I don't understand why he even tries and also puts me in the position of having to run interference in the first place. MIL is pleasant enough so interacting with her is fine. It's his interactions with everyone that are stressing me out. We have one afternoon and one dinner and then head to the airport so it'll all be over soon. Thanks everyone.

So your conversation in the car to the airport or when you get home goes like this:

"Let me be perfectly clear. I will not run interference with your mother like this again. I'm resentful that I had to spend all weekend watching you be sullen, ungrateful and irritable. There are two choices for next time: either we stay in a hotel which you will explain to your mother, or you come here alone. If you want to go to counseling to explore how you can better manage your feelings and expectations around your mother, I'd be happy to sit down with you to figure out how to make that happen. But again, I will not have another weekend like this again. Hotel or you go alone."

Anonymous wrote:

"I've tried the approach of telling DH that we just don't need to visit but he always optimistically thinks it'll be different and it never is. "

What is the definition of insanity?

Let DH visit his mother alone and nip this shit in the bud.

You are not going to "nip this shit in the bud". You should support your husband and run interference when you see it starting. Do not try and correct something you know nothing about and has developed over 30 years. I have a mother like this. It is good your husband stand up to her.

Op here. I sort of agree though at this point, I am also annoyed with being put in the position of having to run interference. Nothing she's doing warrants the attitude he's displaying. If our child was the one being sullen, ungrateful and irritable, the behavior would be unacceptable yet DH thinks it's okay for him because he's been driven crazy by his mom's mannerisms, conversation topics, etc. for 35 years.

At this point, I don't understand why he even tries and also puts me in the position of having to run interference in the first place. MIL is pleasant enough so interacting with her is fine. It's his interactions with everyone that are stressing me out. We have one afternoon and one dinner and then head to the airport so it'll all be over soon. Thanks everyone.

"I've tried the approach of telling DH that we just don't need to visit but he always optimistically thinks it'll be different and it never is. "

What is the definition of insanity?

Let DH visit his mother alone and nip this shit in the bud.

You are not going to "nip this shit in the bud". You should support your husband and run interference when you see it starting. Do not try and correct something you know nothing about and has developed over 30 years. I have a mother like this. It is good your husband stand up to her.

"I've tried the approach of telling DH that we just don't need to visit but he always optimistically thinks it'll be different and it never is. "

What is the definition of insanity?

Let DH visit his mother alone and nip this shit in the bud.

Anonymous wrote:Agreed that you can't stay with her. My MIL has some personality disorders and treats DH horribly. They don't get along well but she insists on staying with us for long stretches. Our relationship and household ends in a mess by the end of the first week. If we had a choice, she wouldn't come or she would stay in a hotel.

You DO have a choice, so your response makes no sense.

She's a very negative person and spends a lot of time fixated on ways she's gotten screwed over. This weekend it's been Verizon and how they won't fix her phone, contractors at the condo who park in the wrong spot and other assorted stuff that she just complains about constantly. I tune it out but DH claims that since he's been listening to it his whole life, he simply can't stand it.

I agree that probably we should stay elsewhere but I don't know how to explain that to her without getting into the whole story, which is both not my responsibility and also needlessly mean. I've tried the approach of telling DH that we just don't need to visit but he always optimistically thinks it'll be different and it never is.

How annoying are the qualities? I see a real difference between mental Heath issues and nagging mom.

Sounds like the relationship I have with my own mother, except that over the years I've leaned to control my emotions and stay calm: not therapy, just acceptance that she won't change, and that I can only change my reaction. I can now manage an entire week with her, and so can DH. Then we have to go, otherwise one of us will blow up!

Since my parents live overseas, we also don't visit very often, and that helps a lot. My advice would be to limit contact as much as possible, and to disengage while in her company. Just say "hm-hmm" and move on from whatever ridiculously offensive comments she makes.

Agreed that you can't stay with her. My MIL has some personality disorders and treats DH horribly. They don't get along well but she insists on staying with us for long stretches. Our relationship and household ends in a mess by the end of the first week. If we had a choice, she wouldn't come or she would stay in a hotel.

A DH here. My mother has a borderline personality disorder and is a mess. She has no healthy relationships in her life. She stresses everybody out. I sympathize.

On three occasions in my life I've gone to a few therapy sessions in the hopes of figuring out how to better deal with her. It was always helpful.

We don't get along with my husband's mother (husband doesn't get along with her either), so what we try to do is long weekend vacation visits (at a resort in between, for example). She is a two hour plane ride away. We try to meet in the middle somewhere for a vacation visit. I find this works better because we can each do our own thing but also meet up to do things together. Meeting somewhere vacation-y seems to make the visits less stressful.

You can't stay with her. Stay in a hotel or AirBnB or VRBO. Then visit her house, go do activities together and then leave.

If you respond with "But we can't afford that, or she'll never let us do that," my response is that you should then expect the interaction you saw this weekend to continue.

Sounds like issues from childhood. Counseling.

They have never had a good relationship but he tries. She does have some annoying qualities but I don have his baggage so they don't bother me like they bother him. We came to visit her on Thursday for the weekend, which I thought was a sufficiently short amount of time. We leave tomorrow morning and he's snapped at her pretty much every time she's spoken to him today. After the third time, MIL snapped back and frankly I can't blame her. I pulled DH aside and asked him to suck it up for the next 8 hours for my sake and our daughter's. He says he will try but honestly his reactions seem so involuntary that I'm skeptical he can actually keep it together that long.

Sympathy, anyone? I think we need to figure out how we can visit MIL (who lives a two hour flight away) without him being a total grouch the whole time. It's next to impossible to enjoy my relaxing weekend with this attitude.