My adult son loves drama. Going on 10 years now, we can no longer tolerate him. We have asked him not to visit anymore and will not be inviting him to any family gatherings.

There comes a time when enough is enough.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my father is this way. Every time I have to be around him for an extended period of time, I feel like I will rip my hair out. He does everything to undermine, contradict, and foment conflict. As such, I know longer speak to him.

So all I have to say is.... GET OUT NOW!! HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!

+1

Just stop doing the dance with him. Don't argue, don't engage. When you stop playing along and keeping the cart upright, the whole thing will come apart and you'll be free. Life is too short, you should be with someone who makes it fun.

Anonymous wrote:My son is like this. It is exhausting. But as he has gotten older, he has started to realize what I've been telling him for years. Nobody will bother spending time with someone so exhausting. I also make sure to tell him I will not engage him in contrary discussions. If he wants to disagree with me, that's fine but I don't need to stick around to listen to it. Sometimes I just leave the room.

OP here. Thank you so much for responding! Since you live with him, how do you handle the day to day? How do you make a simple question, just a simple question (without it becoming deflected at you, or becoming WW III)? I am trying to think of specific examples. To be honest, it is kind of numbing - I think becoming numb to it is a coping mechanism for me after all of these decades, sadly.

He is very self centered and inconsiderate. All of these things tie together in a neat package that I would better be able to deliver if I had a psych degree. His charade is predictable and exhausting. His mother acts the same exact way. It's awful. Do you know what causes it? Are they traumatized early on?

My son is like this. It is exhausting. But as he has gotten older, he has started to realize what I've been telling him for years. Nobody will bother spending time with someone so exhausting. I also make sure to tell him I will not engage him in contrary discussions. If he wants to disagree with me, that's fine but I don't need to stick around to listen to it. Sometimes I just leave the room.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you see the ultimatum post? This isn't going to turn out well.

OP here. Totally different situation. We both work. He is depressed, and needs help, but would rather 'charm and chat' with people in the psych profession, than actually take any kind of look at himself and his decked up family, unfortunately. SIL had Thanksgiving this year with DH's family, no MIL, and it was very calm. MIL is a hostile addition, you can cut the air with a knife when she is present. It is a passive aggressive hostility, like DH. I am not a psych professional, so I am unfamiliar with the names of his his tactics, but they are patterned and predictable - 30 years worth.

DH is one to 'charm and chat' with you - but inside, he is an introvert, with no friends. But if you met him on the outside, you would think he was the nicest guy in the world. His mom is the same. Very angry.

Sounds just like my father. Makes me feel sick just reading about it... ugh! OP I promise you, he will not change or get nicer. He is nasty on the inside as are all people who act this way

Good luck. Sounds like you are living with my 6 year old when he is hungry and grumpy.

Sadly this is a grown man.

Yes, my father is this way. Every time I have to be around him for an extended period of time, I feel like I will rip my hair out. He does everything to undermine, contradict, and foment conflict. As such, I know longer speak to him.

So all I have to say is.... GET OUT NOW!! HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!

I disagree.

Anonymous wrote:Did you see the ultimatum post? This isn't going to turn out well.

OP here. Totally different situation. We both work. He is depressed, and needs help, but would rather 'charm and chat' with people in the psych profession, than actually take any kind of look at himself and his decked up family, unfortunately. SIL had Thanksgiving this year with DH's family, no MIL, and it was very calm. MIL is a hostile addition, you can cut the air with a knife when she is present. It is a passive aggressive hostility, like DH. I am not a psych professional, so I am unfamiliar with the names of his his tactics, but they are patterned and predictable - 30 years worth.

DH is one to 'charm and chat' with you - but inside, he is an introvert, with no friends. But if you met him on the outside, you would think he was the nicest guy in the world. His mom is the same. Very angry.

OP, you have to decide if you're willing to pay the price of admission to be in a relationship with someone. Right now, that price is putting up with someone who "fights just to fight." Some folks would say that price is too high and get out. And some would stay because there are other qualities that are worth the price you pay--he's a loving father or he's hot in bed or he provides a fancy lifestyle. Only you can decide what price you're willing to pay.

If you do decide that you're going to stay, then you have to accept that you cannot change him. The only person you can change is you. Either you change yourself so it doesn't bother you or you change what you will accept/not accept and move on.

Unfortunately you can't tell him he has to change. You just have to show him, through your absence, withdrawing, etc., that you won't be around him as long as he chooses to act that way.

My DC is a Yankee fan in a three generation Red Sox Family.

What happens when you give way? Does that soften his heart and allow communication? For example, when you concede that he might have a point or that that was a good catch he had. Sometimes I praise the crap out of my husband and he relaxes and stops being so contrary.

Did you see the ultimatum post? This isn't going to turn out well.

Has anyone done it? How?

You say up, they say down. You say left, they say right. Without reason. Ever. You push, they pull. It is exhausting. To them, everything is about "appearances". Of course, they would never admit this. He is a master at deflecting, and putting himself in a favorable position, at the expense of a scapegoat. It seems all part of a game. Again, it is exhausting.

They fight just to fight. DH's mother is like this, as a way of life. She is an old, bitter, lonely woman. DH is becoming exactly like her, certainly worse in his old age, after 30+ years together. DH's dad coped with it by being around her less and less; not being home, being stationed away, as much as possible. Of course, this made her condition worse and worse - alienating everyone.

I am the more social of the two of us, DH does not have any friends. I suspect this is part of the reason.

Instead of trying to blame me, I would appreciate supportive words from people who have been through this, and how they handled it. Thank you.