Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. The problem we have with going out there is even when we tell my brother we'll meet him at his place or something, he comes by my parents house to see us and brings his kids. He really wants to involve us in his drama in the bad way (like misery loves company). I don't want to ask him to leave my parents place when he starts his drama because his kids are there too and I don't want to upset them. That is why it has been difficult.

Then when it starts, get up and leave. Seriously. Get up and leave, even if he's in the middle of a sentence. "Hey kids, we're going for a walk!" "Come on everyone, we're going out for dinner. Get your shoes on."
Just stop engaging.

Yup. Or.. "Hey, you know what? This isn't the time or place." Then carry on. If the drama continues then walk out.

You brother's drama should not change your relationship with your parents and the plans you make with them. He's not dragging you into the drama, you're allowing yourself to be caught up. Disengage. As the PP said, when the shit starts up, change the subject or exclaim that it's time for the kids to take a walk. Have some code words and activities worked out ahead of time so your DH knows what's going on.

Why can't you meet your brother and his kids for lunch and then go to the movies or ice skating. You might even be able to tolerate SIL better if you are all DOING something together as opposed to talking...

It is wrong to not visit your parents. wrong, wrong.
1x a year is pretty minimal.
You can choose to not be in the presence of your SIL.
Ask your parents that they not include them when you visit.
Take your brother out to lunch - and then - do not make his wife a topic of conversation. Keep the bond w/him. Surely you can find pleasant things to talk about that are not stressful.

Sorry just read that your brother does come by. If that's the case, visit with him and the kids but if he starts to get nasty - disappear. Go outside. Go to the store.

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. If SIL never sees your parents (and keeps your brother and their kids away) than why is she an issue on these visits?

Exactly. I think OP is the one steering the sh*t.

When you go, don't even tell your brother you'll be there. Or, like another PP said, pay to bring your parents out to you

I'm confused. If SIL never sees your parents (and keeps your brother and their kids away) than why is she an issue on these visits?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. The problem we have with going out there is even when we tell my brother we'll meet him at his place or something, he comes by my parents house to see us and brings his kids. He really wants to involve us in his drama in the bad way (like misery loves company). I don't want to ask him to leave my parents place when he starts his drama because his kids are there too and I don't want to upset them. That is why it has been difficult.

Then when it starts, get up and leave. Seriously. Get up and leave, even if he's in the middle of a sentence. "Hey kids, we're going for a walk!" "Come on everyone, we're going out for dinner. Get your shoes on."
Just stop engaging.

+1 Don't engage your brother. You can continue to visit your parents but when your antagonistic brother shows up (and you know he will) then leave.

Have a number of activities lined up ahead of time--from taking the kids outside to play or walk or go to the mall, etc. Apparently, your brother expects to stir the pot while you and your family and parents just stand there. He is as bad as his wife.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. The problem we have with going out there is even when we tell my brother we'll meet him at his place or something, he comes by my parents house to see us and brings his kids. He really wants to involve us in his drama in the bad way (like misery loves company). I don't want to ask him to leave my parents place when he starts his drama because his kids are there too and I don't want to upset them. That is why it has been difficult.

Then when it starts, get up and leave. Seriously. Get up and leave, even if he's in the middle of a sentence. "Hey kids, we're going for a walk!" "Come on everyone, we're going out for dinner. Get your shoes on."
Just stop engaging.

Doesn't seem like a big deal for you to go there 1X/year. If you're close to your parents you can discuss your misgivings with SIL with them, and suggest that not everyone get together at once. Let your parents stay with the kids and visit your brother and SIL separately at his house. Maybe she does better when there are fewer people around at once.

Thanks for the advice. The problem we have with going out there is even when we tell my brother we'll meet him at his place or something, he comes by my parents house to see us and brings his kids. He really wants to involve us in his drama in the bad way (like misery loves company). I don't want to ask him to leave my parents place when he starts his drama because his kids are there too and I don't want to upset them. That is why it has been difficult.

Don't punish your parents for your SIL's behavior. Keep going to WA for your visits, and when your brother tries to make plans to come by, offer to meet him at a restaurant or something instead. Neutral ground, with just your families and not your parents.

No need to go to the craziness. I'd stay away from Washington. Instead, fly your parents out to see you in DC. It would be cheaper than flying your family out there.

If and when you get to a point when your parents cannot travel, you could go out there, but stay in a hotel. Meet in neutral locations such as a restaurant or park.

Need some advice on how to deal with this family issue. Here are the basic facts:

- My DH, kids and I live in the DC area but my parents and older brother live cross country in Washington state. We try to visit there 1X per year. My parents fly out to see me 2-3 times per year.

- My parents are older - in their 70s - and can be high maintenance and needy. They can be annoying, but they general mean well and are good-natured.

- My brother's wife does not like my family, especially my mother. As a result, they never see each other and my mother rarely sees their kids, even though they live 2 miles away.

- My brother and his wife and kids do not spend any holidays with my parents because of my SIL's feelings. My SIL has been an unhappy person since I have known her and is constantly angry with my brother.

- When my DH, kids, and I have traveled to WA to visit with the entire family, my SIL has made our visits very unpleasant, picking fights, storming out of my parents' house in anger, etc. I think there is something "off" with my SIL. I have tried to mention this to my brother, but he is defensive and blames my family for any issues with SIL, even though she has identical issues with her family as well.

- At this point, I don't want to visit WA anymore because I don't want my kids to witness this chaos. I try to do some holidays with my parents in DC. Other holidays they are alone because my brother will not spend time with them, under instruction of my SIL.

Is there anything I can do in this situation besides staying out of it? Am I wrong for no longer visiting WA because of my brother and SIL? I have thought about visiting my family in WA and not seeing my brother and his family, but he always wants to see me and stop by my parents house when I am in town. He likes to bring me into his drama which is why I feel I should keep my distance for now...

Any thoughts on my approach and if I should be doing anything to help this situation? I really think SIL is a lost cause. She has never liked my family and is difficult to be around. But, she too tries to get me and DH involved in her drama and in hating my parents... It is pretty toxic...