1. Go because your child really wants to see his grandparents, and in that case, go at a convenient time for YOU.

2. Don't go, because your mother is such a pain.

3. Don't go, but invite your father to come to you.

I have tried to do 3. for years, because I am in a similar situation. However, deep down I know my father will never leave my mother for more than a couple of days, and unfortunately it takes more than a couple of days to travel to my house. So I plan on traveling to see them, but not as often as before, and definitely on my own schedule, and to try to ignore the maternal insanity as much as possible!

This is one of the most ridiculous posts I've read on this site.

" My mother truly dislikes me, and I think it's transferred now onto my child. "

Great. Take you kid and subject the child to your mentally ill mother who is going to add extra heapings of nastiness to the situation because she doesn't like you and she REALLY isn't going to like you because you came at the wrong time.

Do you not see how insane this is?

You're putting too much thought into this. Don't cancel your plans. You know your mother is mentally ill. Maybe this is why she is so unhappy. Maybe she worries she won't be able to entertain you and your DD the whole time. Maybe she wants your DD to know her family and spend time with her cousins. The whole thing is just too much. You can't spend your life wondering what other people are thinking. Just keep your original plans. Tell your mom there is nothing you can do about it and oh well.

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Please write a shorter story next time. It's too long to follow. My head hurts.

Sorry OP, looks like your mom found the boards.

OMG. Please write a shorter story next time. It's too long to follow. My head hurts.

Don't bend to the wishes of a mentally ill family member. If you do - you are continuing the behavior and are not a model of healthy behavior for your children.

If you've bought the tickets, taken time off, have everything arranged - then go! Go and have it done, over with. This visit may be more about "checking it off the list", a bit more obligation than holiday vacation.

And do this - try to get your thoughts, your complaints down to a paragraph or two. You are writing way too much blah, blah, blah which makes you seem a little off.

Get thee to a counselor, girlfriend, so you can figure out why you are still seeking your mother's approval and so you can learn to let go of the guilt!

Your mother has a mental illness. You need to stop trying to deal with her as a rational person might. She's not rational. You need to identify what's healthy and stick to it. Take the emotion out of your decision making process. Does your mother have a healthy relationship with your DS? If not, don't go. If it is healthy, if she wants you to visit, it needs to be on your terms - and consider getting a hotel room at a place that has a pool. You can visit with your parents and then retreat to the hotel when you've had enough. The chain smoking would be enough to send me to a hotel. Hugs.

If your mom is borderline and it sounds like that may be the case, read this.

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/listing/2670845668062?r=1&kpid=2670845668062&cm_mmc=Google%20Product%20Search-_-Q000000633-_-2670845668062PLA-_-Book_15To24-_-Q000000633-_-2670845668062

And don't go.

Big hugs.

Go at spring break when your SIL and Co. are there. Enjoy your winter holidays! Sorry your mom sucks. I know what it's like to have crappy parents.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mother will be unhappy no matter what. She will always put terms and conditions on situations to make a reason to be unhappy so I would do whatever it is that you want to do. Keep it that weekend, stay home, go a different weekend. Whatever makes you most happy because nothing will make your mother happy.

This.

And be honest with yourself - do you actually want to visit your mom and dad or do you continue to do it out of guilt/fear/or the failed belief that if you just do and say the right thing that she will suddenly love you like you want her to (not going to happen btw). It's ok to not like your parents btw and it's even ok not to visit them.

It sounds very complex with many layers and nuances and history .
However , it's seems that the only satisfactory answer to your mother is one that you cannot do, ie, visit when the other family is there
So, you have no options except to
1. Visit as you planned and have a miserable time
2. Don't visit and preserve yourself by refusing any more discussion about it

"Mom, these are the only says we can travel. Do you want us to come or not?"

(The all-nighter part confused me. How old are these kids?)

It sounds like your mother will be unhappy no matter what. She will always put terms and conditions on situations to make a reason to be unhappy so I would do whatever it is that you want to do. Keep it that weekend, stay home, go a different weekend. Whatever makes you most happy because nothing will make your mother happy.

About four months ago DH, DC, and I moved across country because of DH's work. My mother (who is mentally ill and physically challenged) asked me about a month ago whether I was coming back East for the holidays. (My parents cannot travel because my mother will not fly, drive, or take a train anywhere over 30 minutes from home: this has been the case most of my life.) I suggested Christmas, which she thought would work. DC still 'believes' in Santa so my mother understood that we would fly out either late Christmas night or the day after Christmas. I was somewhat limited in choices of flights because of DC's sports team commitments (competitive traveling sport) and cost of flights.

Anyway, when my mother found out that my brother and sister-in-law and their three children would be leaving town the day we arrive to visit SIL's family out of state, she became very concerned and is increasingly agitated. She is complaining that I am coming when the 'cousins' won't be there and that DC will be bored --DC will NOT be bored, but nothing I am saying can convince my mother that the child simply wants to see her grandparents for a couple of days. It's a short visit (just three nights) but it's the best I can do at this time -- in other words, I can't stay 'til my brother et al get there, and I can't come at any other time over the holidays.

I spoke to my father today and he confirmed that my mother is very upset that I am coming at this time since my nieces and nephew won't be there to see DC. My SIL is also upset because my mother is giving her a hard time for traveling and has told my mother (correctly) that I made the flight plans knowing this could happen (i.e., that I wouldn't see them). I feel badly for my SIL -- this isn't her fault and I'm sorry she's getting 'stuff' about it from my mother.

To be honest, when I have had DC at my parents' house with 'the cousins' it's a very painful experience. One of my nieces has minor special needs and my mother is constantly saying "poor little Sally - it's so sad that she can't enjoy things like [my DC]". (My SIL, my brother, my father, and others are astonished and upset by this as my niece is not particularly limited and no one wants her to be 'set aside' as an example, including her OT, PT, pediatrician, etc.) On other occasions, if I've brought the children a treat (such as a Slurpee), my mother will walk in the room, see that my DC has a Slurpee, and turn to me and say in an accusing voice "Did you get Sally a Slurpee too" (which is hurtful to me because it implies I would leave out a child). There are other examples but I realize they all sound petty and do not capture what I'm trying to say, which is that my mother clearly favors one child and that it's uncomfortable for me (and my DC) to witness. So, having a brief visit without anyone else there was not *un*appealing to me.....

At any rate, I'm coming to believe that I should just offer to cancel the trip and come at a time when my brother and SIL and the children will be there since that's the only way my mother really wants to see my DC. She has made this clear in the past, when we lived closer, and I should just respect her wishes, I know, but it hurts tremendously that she doesn't want to see my DC (much less me) without the other children there. I realize that she says it's only fun for her when she gets to see the children together, and I know I should honor that sentiment, but for me, it's awful when they're all together. First, I hate that I revert to feeling immature and adolescent and jealous of my nieces and nephew and sad that my mother shows no real affection towards my DC or to me. I also am run ragged taking care of the children (among other things, my mother insists on having my niece over for a sleepover, which means that I am up all night with the children, neither of whom sleeps well in my parents' house, anyway, since my mother chain smokes albeit 'on the porch' or 'with the fan on' when my niece is there ......but again, I digress. (It's somewhat beside the point, but while I"m venting: I am not in good physical shape and am in some extensive medical care although nothing is fatal, and I'm middle-aged so pulling all nighters is not as easy as it once was -- in other words, this trip is not a cakewalk in any way shape or form.)

I know I'm just venting, but is there *any* reason I should simply keep the plans as they are and travel on the designated weekend? It appears my mother will be even more unhappy than usual, and thus she will make all of us more unhappy than usual, so there's no pleasure in it for anyone. To be honest, there won't be any pleasure in it for me no matter *when* I go or who is in town or not -- but visiting my parents long ago stopped being about finding anything but pain for myself. I had fooled myself into thinking that they cared about seeing DC but I'm not even sure I believe that anymore. My mother truly dislikes me, and I think it's transferred now onto my child.

Friends and physicians who know the situation, btw, wonder why I continue interacting with my mother in the way that I do -- among her mental illnesses is borderline personality disorder, and the caution that with a borderline person, the best you can do is 'get out of the way' really fits here..... I have a tremendous amount of guilt, though, and it's the gift that keeps on giving.....

Thanks for listening and for any counsel here.....I can't bear to talk about it with DH -- he can't hear the way my mother acts -- and I don't even think I can say any of this out loud, anyway -- it just all feels silly and sad at the same time.