Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 15:06     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

Anonymous wrote:
You know, whatever works for a couple. It's not for you to judge. Maybe she hates travel, or (gasp) would prefer not so spend time with your mom, or would rather let her husband do it 1:1 since it means more. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time. Not everyone has to do the dutiful thing all the time.


PP with the sister in law here who stayed put. There's more to the story. She claims that she needed do to this dinner because it would be good 'networking' as the male half of the couple is in some field she's interested in. But she hasn't been able to find a job in 10 years, my brother not only supports her but recently supported her while she went to a top 3 b school, across the country, thinking it would finally help her get employed. Two years out, she is still unemployed because she never makes it past the in person interview. She also doesn't want to have kids until she has her career 'set' and my brother is now pushing 45 and desperately wants kids (she is late 30s). The travel to my mom's is a 2 hour car drive for one meal, back that same night. Meanwhile, my brother used all of his vacation to travel with her and her parents this past year--he spent 2 weeks this fall and 2 weeks last spring traveling with her and her parents internationally, and she refused to come to one meal at my mom's because she claimed it would be good networking. I am mad not about the meal because my brother is deeply unhappy, but can't really face what a disaster his marriage is. This is just one example.


are you married? you are entirely too involved in your brother's marriage.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 15:00     Subject: How did Thanksgiving go?

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.




Do your mil a favor and stop comparing her to your supermom
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 14:28     Subject: How did Thanksgiving go?

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and we just hosted for our first time! 12 people, it went pretty well. DH thinks my family was raised by wolves though. He might be right.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 14:17     Subject: How did Thanksgiving go?

I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.


Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 13:29     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

My MIL was nice! OK, not nice nice, but tolerable on the verge of pleasant. She did not spit out the dishes I cooked like the other years, and although she did not eat them, she offered them to other guests. She praised the sweater I got for my DC (before she cringed and insisted I have no taste), and did not tell me where to go (she'd shoosh me away from DH and kids on every family occasion). I don't know what happened, but I'll take it
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 12:34     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

Anonymous wrote:This year my best friend and her husband and kids came out from the midwest and stayed with us and T day was awesome!! 5 kids (4 of them boys) ranging from 2-16 made it loud and chaotic, but not dealing with parents, in laws, sibling issues, etc, made it awesome!!!

otoh, my brother's wife decided that she wasn't going to my mom's with her husband (my brother) but staying put and having thanksgiving with another couple who had invited them. My brother had declined the invite, since he was going to my mom's (who is widowed, I would have gone but she lives on the west coast), but his wife decided to go on her own. They have a very odd marriage.


Wait, didn't you also choose to stay put to have thanksgiving with friends rather than your mom? It's ok for you and not your SIL?
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 12:30     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You know, whatever works for a couple. It's not for you to judge. Maybe she hates travel, or (gasp) would prefer not so spend time with your mom, or would rather let her husband do it 1:1 since it means more. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time. Not everyone has to do the dutiful thing all the time.


PP with the sister in law here who stayed put. There's more to the story. She claims that she needed do to this dinner because it would be good 'networking' as the male half of the couple is in some field she's interested in. But she hasn't been able to find a job in 10 years, my brother not only supports her but recently supported her while she went to a top 3 b school, across the country, thinking it would finally help her get employed. Two years out, she is still unemployed because she never makes it past the in person interview. She also doesn't want to have kids until she has her career 'set' and my brother is now pushing 45 and desperately wants kids (she is late 30s). The travel to my mom's is a 2 hour car drive for one meal, back that same night. Meanwhile, my brother used all of his vacation to travel with her and her parents this past year--he spent 2 weeks this fall and 2 weeks last spring traveling with her and her parents internationally, and she refused to come to one meal at my mom's because she claimed it would be good networking. I am mad not about the meal because my brother is deeply unhappy, but can't really face what a disaster his marriage is. This is just one example.


Listen. You obviously have a lot of issues with your SIL, but the bottom line is your brother chose her and continues to make choices with her within the confines of their marriage. This is really a MYOB situation regardless of your "proof" that she's an awful person or a freeloader or whatever.


Yes. GEEZ. MYOB, SIL.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 12:02     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

Anonymous wrote:
You know, whatever works for a couple. It's not for you to judge. Maybe she hates travel, or (gasp) would prefer not so spend time with your mom, or would rather let her husband do it 1:1 since it means more. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time. Not everyone has to do the dutiful thing all the time.


PP with the sister in law here who stayed put. There's more to the story. She claims that she needed do to this dinner because it would be good 'networking' as the male half of the couple is in some field she's interested in. But she hasn't been able to find a job in 10 years, my brother not only supports her but recently supported her while she went to a top 3 b school, across the country, thinking it would finally help her get employed. Two years out, she is still unemployed because she never makes it past the in person interview. She also doesn't want to have kids until she has her career 'set' and my brother is now pushing 45 and desperately wants kids (she is late 30s). The travel to my mom's is a 2 hour car drive for one meal, back that same night. Meanwhile, my brother used all of his vacation to travel with her and her parents this past year--he spent 2 weeks this fall and 2 weeks last spring traveling with her and her parents internationally, and she refused to come to one meal at my mom's because she claimed it would be good networking. I am mad not about the meal because my brother is deeply unhappy, but can't really face what a disaster his marriage is. This is just one example.


Listen. You obviously have a lot of issues with your SIL, but the bottom line is your brother chose her and continues to make choices with her within the confines of their marriage. This is really a MYOB situation regardless of your "proof" that she's an awful person or a freeloader or whatever.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 10:59     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

You know, whatever works for a couple. It's not for you to judge. Maybe she hates travel, or (gasp) would prefer not so spend time with your mom, or would rather let her husband do it 1:1 since it means more. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time. Not everyone has to do the dutiful thing all the time.


PP with the sister in law here who stayed put. There's more to the story. She claims that she needed do to this dinner because it would be good 'networking' as the male half of the couple is in some field she's interested in. But she hasn't been able to find a job in 10 years, my brother not only supports her but recently supported her while she went to a top 3 b school, across the country, thinking it would finally help her get employed. Two years out, she is still unemployed because she never makes it past the in person interview. She also doesn't want to have kids until she has her career 'set' and my brother is now pushing 45 and desperately wants kids (she is late 30s). The travel to my mom's is a 2 hour car drive for one meal, back that same night. Meanwhile, my brother used all of his vacation to travel with her and her parents this past year--he spent 2 weeks this fall and 2 weeks last spring traveling with her and her parents internationally, and she refused to come to one meal at my mom's because she claimed it would be good networking. I am mad not about the meal because my brother is deeply unhappy, but can't really face what a disaster his marriage is. This is just one example.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 10:47     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This year my best friend and her husband and kids came out from the midwest and stayed with us and T day was awesome!! 5 kids (4 of them boys) ranging from 2-16 made it loud and chaotic, but not dealing with parents, in laws, sibling issues, etc, made it awesome!!!

otoh, my brother's wife decided that she wasn't going to my mom's with her husband (my brother) but staying put and having thanksgiving with another couple who had invited them. My brother had declined the invite, since he was going to my mom's (who is widowed, I would have gone but she lives on the west coast), but his wife decided to go on her own. They have a very odd marriage.


You know, whatever works for a couple. It's not for you to judge. Maybe she hates travel, or (gasp) would prefer not so spend time with your mom, or would rather let her husband do it 1:1 since it means more. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time. Not everyone has to do the dutiful thing all the time.


+1 i think people have to figure out what works for them. In my experience, one thing that can really put a strain on a marriage (probably second to financial stuff) is inlaw issues. So if a couple works out that it's better for a spouse to go it alone, then more power to them.

Last thanksgiving, I opted out of my husband's family's get-together. I had recently has a miscarriage. Most of them didn't know, but I still couldn't deal with them. I knew that if I went, I get angry at subtle comments they make about us and not having kids. So instead of going and getting angry, I stayed home. He went. It worked well.

The thing is, I think that having a peaceful and happy marriage is important. Inlaws can really get in the way of that, so if you can work out something that manages the inlaws while avoiding tension between you and your spouse, that's the better path, even if the inlaws or outside observers think it's odd or strange. At the end of the day, lots of people have seemingly normal marriages and then end up divorcing or living years being unhappy. I'm all for odd if it means a happier marriage with less inlaw drama.

Whenever I read all of the threads about inlaws causing problems, I can't help but think that more people really need to deviate from convention and work out a strategy that minimizes the impact inlaws have on their marriages.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 10:32     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

Anonymous wrote:This year my best friend and her husband and kids came out from the midwest and stayed with us and T day was awesome!! 5 kids (4 of them boys) ranging from 2-16 made it loud and chaotic, but not dealing with parents, in laws, sibling issues, etc, made it awesome!!!

otoh, my brother's wife decided that she wasn't going to my mom's with her husband (my brother) but staying put and having thanksgiving with another couple who had invited them. My brother had declined the invite, since he was going to my mom's (who is widowed, I would have gone but she lives on the west coast), but his wife decided to go on her own. They have a very odd marriage.


You know, whatever works for a couple. It's not for you to judge. Maybe she hates travel, or (gasp) would prefer not so spend time with your mom, or would rather let her husband do it 1:1 since it means more. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time. Not everyone has to do the dutiful thing all the time.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 10:26     Subject: Re:How did Thanksgiving go?

This year my best friend and her husband and kids came out from the midwest and stayed with us and T day was awesome!! 5 kids (4 of them boys) ranging from 2-16 made it loud and chaotic, but not dealing with parents, in laws, sibling issues, etc, made it awesome!!!

otoh, my brother's wife decided that she wasn't going to my mom's with her husband (my brother) but staying put and having thanksgiving with another couple who had invited them. My brother had declined the invite, since he was going to my mom's (who is widowed, I would have gone but she lives on the west coast), but his wife decided to go on her own. They have a very odd marriage.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 09:51     Subject: How did Thanksgiving go?

My MiL is so much more tolerable when she's not hosting (she's always insisted on hosting on the years we've spent with in-laws previously). She's actually pleasant and diner was enjoyable because she wasn't all stressed out and screaming at people. She kept saying how nice it was to not have to cook, so hopefully we can have this be the new pattern!(The food was better too since we planned the menu!)

And no politics came up at the dinner table! Amazing!
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 09:47     Subject: How did Thanksgiving go?

Amazingly well! My siblings and there families both came. My brother is known for being especially difficult (in a refuses to speak to anyone, sometimes just refuses to even come to the table kind of way). His daughter can me much like him. But everyone was well behaved and talkative. I had help cleaning up (an absolute miracle!) And the food all turned out well (save my too much clove in the pumpkin pie.)
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2014 09:40     Subject: How did Thanksgiving go?

For those of you with predictably mean relatives? We diffused with some friends.