It seems that people assume that since gay marriage is now widely accepted, being gay has become no big deal. That's not the way it works, especially not for the gay kid who has to come to terms with his/her sexuality. A lot of people assume they're straight - I know I was like that, and even though both sides of my family are absolutely open, loving and accepting, finding out that I was a lesbian was absolutely terrifying. I knew there was nothing wrong with it and my family isn't religious at all, I went to a liberal school, I had awesome friends and was not dealing with any mental health issues, but coming out to myself and accepting that I was different still didn't come naturally. Coming out to my mom is the hardest thing that I've done in my life, and I had a pretty amazing mom who did everything right right away.

Bottom line is, just because people don't think we should be killed or turned straight anymore, being gay is still a major difference in someone's life, and will inevitably come with issues that straight people don't have to deal with. The internal process remains somewhat difficult, no matter how you put it.

Would you expect your heterosexual nephew to announce that he is heterosexual? For some of today's youth, it isn't something that needs to be announced; it just is.

If you ask about a relative's love life, don't assume their orientation either way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will be seeing my college-age nephew later this week and am fairly certain he's gay but it's never been acknowledged or discussed among my dh's family members. We're mostly progressives, so why isn't anyone saying anything? Do kids just not feel compelled to come out any more? Can I ask him if he's got someone special in his life? I'm not trying to be nosy--I care for him very much and want him to feel comfortable.

He might feel that there's a certain level of out-ness he's not ready for yet. Like that you are in the circle of family where, if he's out to you, he's also out to Ole' Bigoted Uncle Jack, and he doesn't want to deal with that.

Could you find a way to bring up a gay rights news story or something? ("Oh, gee grandma, we're were so pleased to be able to talk to Larla about marriage rights in Your State, it's great for her to see civil rights history unfolding!"). But like in an non awkward organic way. So he knows that there are folks in his extended family who are supportive. (I don't know if I could BE non-awkward, tho. Maybe you have better social skills than I do.)

Oh, yes. Because it's so non-awkward and organic to start discussing gay marriage in front of someone we THINK may be gay, and we're just dying to really know.

Our niece came two years ago, when she was 20 or so. It was surprisingly hard on her politically progressive but 80-year-old grandparents. I think they still have a vision of gay people living harder lives than straights. But everyone was very supportive. She just announced her engagement and, while I think my in-laws still feel a little awkward about it, everyone is congratulating the couple and looking forward to a family wedding.

If he wanted to come out to you, he would do it, do not force it out of him or think you are making it easier or more comfortable by letting him know that you know and are okay with it. Again, if he was comfortable discussing it with you, he would. Period.

do not discuss it with him

Anonymous wrote:Why do people need to announce their orientation? Won't we all just figure it out when they choose a boyfriend or girlfriend?

B/C gay kids are more likely to be bullied, attempt suicide, and in many cases are disowned by their families. So people are trying to express who they are and are often hesitant/afraid to do this.

Why do people need to announce their orientation? Won't we all just figure it out when they choose a boyfriend or girlfriend?

From the title, I thought this was going to be a thread on debutantes....

Anonymous wrote:Will be seeing my college-age nephew later this week and am fairly certain he's gay but it's never been acknowledged or discussed among my dh's family members. We're mostly progressives, so why isn't anyone saying anything? Do kids just not feel compelled to come out any more? Can I ask him if he's got someone special in his life? I'm not trying to be nosy--I care for him very much and want him to feel comfortable.

Then make sure that you're open about your support and love for him. Make sure that in family discussions, you show support for gay people in general, whether showing appreciation that gay marriage is being legalized in so many states, to discussing gay friends and/or public figures that you support. Some people are private and that includes both heterosexual and homosexual individuals. Each person has to be comfortable with their lives and with discussing their lives; many people don't feel comfortable discussing their love life with family. So be respectful and let your nephew find his own way of letting the family know when he is ready. As a heterosexual young college man won only dated infrequently, I was very uncomfortable discussing my love life with my family and I didn't even have the burden of trying to determine whether my family would be supportive or not of my sexual orientation. All of the "are you seeing anyone?" moved to "when are you going to get married?" as I moved from 22-30 and it was pretty uncomfortable.

Anonymous wrote:Will be seeing my college-age nephew later this week and am fairly certain he's gay but it's never been acknowledged or discussed among my dh's family members. We're mostly progressives, so why isn't anyone saying anything? Do kids just not feel compelled to come out any more? Can I ask him if he's got someone special in his life? I'm not trying to be nosy--I care for him very much and want him to feel comfortable.

He might feel that there's a certain level of out-ness he's not ready for yet. Like that you are in the circle of family where, if he's out to you, he's also out to Ole' Bigoted Uncle Jack, and he doesn't want to deal with that.

Could you find a way to bring up a gay rights news story or something? ("Oh, gee grandma, we're were so pleased to be able to talk to Larla about marriage rights in Your State, it's great for her to see civil rights history unfolding!"). But like in an non awkward organic way. So he knows that there are folks in his extended family who are supportive. (I don't know if I could BE non-awkward, tho. Maybe you have better social skills than I do.)

Anonymous wrote:

Female here. I came out to friends when I was 21, none of them were surprised. My family doesn't know, but I'm sure they suspect it. I rather not discuss my personal life with them. I dont like people overstepping my boundaries

Not even with your parents or siblings?

No, my family is conservative Christian. They think homosexuality can be prayed away.

Female here. I came out to friends when I was 21, none of them were surprised. My family doesn't know, but I'm sure they suspect it. I rather not discuss my personal life with them. I dont like people overstepping my boundaries

Not even with your parents or siblings?

Anonymous wrote:Will be seeing my college-age nephew later this week and am fairly certain he's gay but it's never been acknowledged or discussed among my dh's family members. We're mostly progressives, so why isn't anyone saying anything? Do kids just not feel compelled to come out any more? Can I ask him if he's got someone special in his life? I'm not trying to be nosy--I care for him very much and want him to feel comfortable.

Female here. I came out to friends when I was 21, none of them were surprised. My family doesn't know, but I'm sure they suspect it. I rather not discuss my personal life with them. I dont like people overstepping my boundaries

Will be seeing my college-age nephew later this week and am fairly certain he's gay but it's never been acknowledged or discussed among my dh's family members. We're mostly progressives, so why isn't anyone saying anything? Do kids just not feel compelled to come out any more? Can I ask him if he's got someone special in his life? I'm not trying to be nosy--I care for him very much and want him to feel comfortable.