Anonymous wrote:I can't say her behavior surprised me or disappointed me..it was more like my ability to tolerate her was challenged.

This is my mother in law. She's always been high maintenance and needy, but pre-baby I had the energy to adjust things for her and step around her as needed. With the baby, I'm just exhausted and can't have 2 babies in my life. She wants to be grandma of the year, but it ends up with DH or me babysitting her as she picks and chooses what she is willing to do.

It's nothing big, it's just a lot of little things that add up to frustration and stress that I can't deal with any more.

Anonymous wrote:Misery loves company...

Just wondering if anyone has surprising tension/annoyances/distance with their own mom after becoming a mother themselves. My own mom (I thought) is an independent, well-adjusted, fun to be around person. Ever since I had a baby, she's been distant and most disappointing to me, less than interested in being a grandma. Not completely disinterested, but not a warm fuzzy grandma type. Really doesn't ask questions about the baby, and just mentions how tough she had it as a single mother when I was a baby. Okay, I get how hard it was for her back then... but can we enjoy the joy this new baby is bringing to our family?

I'm at the point where I'm minimizing time spent with her because it's so awkward/forced. I never would have guessed this would be the case before I had my baby, although looking back on it, she was distant during my pregnancy, too.

My inlaws aren't exactly grandparents of the year, either, so I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and bummed at the seemingly lost opportunity for grandma bonding for my mom and my baby.

Who cares if she's not warm and fuzzy. You're having a pity party for yourself. Deliberately minimizing contact at the same time lamenting a lost opportunity makes no sense It's passive aggressive and a great way to create your own drama. Babies also aren't toys to be taken away for behavior you don't like. Grow up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say her behavior surprised me or disappointed me..it was more like my ability to tolerate her was challenged.

+1.

Same here.

For a period yes, but after I confronted her about what she was saying things got much better.

Anonymous wrote:I can't say her behavior surprised me or disappointed me..it was more like my ability to tolerate her was challenged.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:

Also, MIL actually said these words when we had #2 "I raised my kids, I'm not interested in taking care of babies anymore." She was just passing through on her way to Florida. At least we knew not to ask her for any help.

I think my mom feels this way to some extent, even if she has never said it. And, IMHO, there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. But it is also really, really hard to have a relationship (with mom or friend or other) with someone who feels this way while you are trying to raise young children.

Yes! And I'm so glad to see I'm not the only one.

I've been really disappointed with her grandmothering skills, which is weird because she was generally a very good mother. She lives many states away and we only see each other twice a year. I wouldn't trust her to take care of my toddler for more than 1 hour (and I have a long, specific list of reasons), not that ever have the opportunity. She loves DD, sort of, but mostly just wants to dress her up like a doll. She doesn't help me take care of her needs when we visit.

Also, she has been very emotionally manipulative to me since DD was born (or maybe I'm just now noticing how she tries to manipulate me). Now, I only talk to her once every 2 or 3 weeks. I'd be happy to talk or visit more if she would get her shit together, but I can't deal with her and care for my toddler (with another one on the way).

Anonymous wrote:I think when I had my kids my mother felt like the spotlight shifted -- which she has never been good with. She's a horrific grandmother-- Judgy, selfish, and antagonistic with her toddler granddaughter.

You would NEVER have expected if from a woman who was always so warm and generous with kids.

Good times.

can you give examples of this? I posted just above you and I believe my mother uses her dogs to compete with her grandchildren. Like, she uses her dogs to try to get attention from others when the grandkids are around..it's very obvious and weird.

Yes. My mom stayed with me and because I was sleep deprived and probably had PPD or post partum anxiety at least...I couldn't seem to just look past things I normally would have been able to. I can't say her behavior surprised me or disappointed me..it was more like my ability to tolerate her was challenged.

I think when I had my kids my mother felt like the spotlight shifted -- which she has never been good with. She's a horrific grandmother-- Judgy, selfish, and antagonistic with her toddler granddaughter.

You would NEVER have expected if from a woman who was always so warm and generous with kids.

Good times.

Yup, you are definitely not alone.

Long story short...my mom met her boyfriend during the same month that I had my first child. My father passed away 6 years earlier and in those six years, she was grandmother of the century to my brother's two kids, I'm talking extended weekend/overnight child care-every weekend, excursions to zoos, plays, museums, week day evening dinner preparation (every Tuesday) and child care so my SIL "could go out and shop, just have some time to herself". Etc, etc.

I have never been known for my timing.

Also, MIL actually said these words when we had #2 "I raised my kids, I'm not interested in taking care of babies anymore." She was just passing through on her way to Florida. At least we knew not to ask her for any help.

My mother could care less about my kids. I wouldn't say we had a great relationship before kids, but it was better before kids. And like you, the awkwardness with us started when I was pregnant with my first.

In my case, I don't think my mother liked that the relationship was no longer going to be all about the two of us anymore (and really, her, a lot of the time).

It's incredibly disappointing.

OP, you are not alone. my family is long distance; DH's family were sucky parents, and consequently, sucky grandparents.

Yes, I am there with you...DD is almost 1.

For a variety of reasons the past few years have been hard on my mom and I thought she was OK but this year was the year of her meltdown. Still happening as well.

She does try but I cannot rely on her to stay with the baby or anything because I do not trust her alone with DD. Not that she will hurt her but very scatterbrained. Even when she is with me and the baby she is somewhat all of over.

It was hard not having my mom available when the baby was born and I could not even count on my MIL for another reason.

I understand and I hope it gets better for both of us. It did truly show me how committed and amazing my DH was!

Misery loves company...

Just wondering if anyone has surprising tension/annoyances/distance with their own mom after becoming a mother themselves. My own mom (I thought) is an independent, well-adjusted, fun to be around person. Ever since I had a baby, she's been distant and most disappointing to me, less than interested in being a grandma. Not completely disinterested, but not a warm fuzzy grandma type. Really doesn't ask questions about the baby, and just mentions how tough she had it as a single mother when I was a baby. Okay, I get how hard it was for her back then... but can we enjoy the joy this new baby is bringing to our family?

I'm at the point where I'm minimizing time spent with her because it's so awkward/forced. I never would have guessed this would be the case before I had my baby, although looking back on it, she was distant during my pregnancy, too.

I just sad and not really looking for advice, but wondering if anyone else has run up against this with their own parents.

My inlaws aren't exactly grandparents of the year, either, so I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and bummed at the seemingly lost opportunity for grandma bonding for my mom and my baby.