Anonymous
11/20/2014 11:47
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your concern. 5 years ago, I was a 38 year old overweight single woman who hadn't dated in nearly 8 years. I had a terrible breakup that I was pretty traumatized by, and then I struggled with depression for many of those years, then I was stuck doing elder care duties, and I just wasn't at all in a frame of mind to be dating.
I remember my brother once telling me how sad he was for me and how he really hoped I would get back out dating again, and that he really hoped I would get to be a mom. It did mean a lot to me that he validated my worth as a potential mother and potential partner, but I just wasn't in an emotional space to make those kinds of changes at the time.
FWIW, I'm 43 now and still just as overweight, but I'm married and have the most delightful, loving, wonderful 18 month old. I know I'm lucky; at 38 I had pretty much given up on conceiving my own child. I still struggle with depression, but I treat it as a chronic, treatable illness and work hard to take care of myself. I know I have a lot to offer the world as a mom and as a friend.
When I decided to put myself back out there, I really made it essentially like a job. I knew I would really need to make an effort. I actually had the most luck with Craigslist for dating -- I hated the "on the shelf waiting" feeling of Match and other dating services. With CL, I was in the driver's seat: I would post an ad in the W4M section saying I was looking for a companion for X activity (in public) for the weekend, something that I really enjoy, like biking or hiking or kayaking, etc. And then I would go meet the person for that activity. At worst, the dates were exercise with a weird person. At best, well, at best I met my now-husband.Centering the meetup with the person around a fun activity really helped to normalize the pressure of meeting a stranger for a date, and it helped filter out people who had no shared interests with me. (Reading email replies helped, too, as I could filter out lots of people on punctuation and spelling alone.) But I knew I wasn't up for long correspondence, as I simply had no patience for it. My end goal was an in-person companion, so I kept the "online" part of online dating to a minimum, while focusing on the dating itself.
That's the long way 'round in saying that your sister really can't be prodded or poked into doing this. You can affirm how loveable and wonderful she is, but you can't make her do any of this. She has to want it enough for herself to actually do it. But I also shared my story to say that there's hope and she doesn't need to worry that she's too late. Even if she never marries, she could still have a child. And if she doesn't have a child, she could still be happy. But time is literally running out, in that our time here is completely finite, so if she is not living life fully now, I hope she will take steps to do so.
PP here. This is a GREAT story. Thanks for sharing - and I am so happy for your happiness!
Anonymous
11/20/2014 11:45
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
OP, I get your concern. 5 years ago, I was a 38 year old overweight single woman who hadn't dated in nearly 8 years. I had a terrible breakup that I was pretty traumatized by, and then I struggled with depression for many of those years, then I was stuck doing elder care duties, and I just wasn't at all in a frame of mind to be dating.
I remember my brother once telling me how sad he was for me and how he really hoped I would get back out dating again, and that he really hoped I would get to be a mom. It did mean a lot to me that he validated my worth as a potential mother and potential partner, but I just wasn't in an emotional space to make those kinds of changes at the time.
FWIW, I'm 43 now and still just as overweight, but I'm married and have the most delightful, loving, wonderful 18 month old. I know I'm lucky; at 38 I had pretty much given up on conceiving my own child. I still struggle with depression, but I treat it as a chronic, treatable illness and work hard to take care of myself. I know I have a lot to offer the world as a mom and as a friend.
When I decided to put myself back out there, I really made it essentially like a job. I knew I would really need to make an effort. I actually had the most luck with Craigslist for dating -- I hated the "on the shelf waiting" feeling of Match and other dating services. With CL, I was in the driver's seat: I would post an ad in the W4M section saying I was looking for a companion for X activity (in public) for the weekend, something that I really enjoy, like biking or hiking or kayaking, etc. And then I would go meet the person for that activity. At worst, the dates were exercise with a weird person. At best, well, at best I met my now-husband. Centering the meetup with the person around a fun activity really helped to normalize the pressure of meeting a stranger for a date, and it helped filter out people who had no shared interests with me. (Reading email replies helped, too, as I could filter out lots of people on punctuation and spelling alone.) But I knew I wasn't up for long correspondence, as I simply had no patience for it. My end goal was an in-person companion, so I kept the "online" part of online dating to a minimum, while focusing on the dating itself.
That's the long way 'round in saying that your sister really can't be prodded or poked into doing this. You can affirm how loveable and wonderful she is, but you can't make her do any of this. She has to want it enough for herself to actually do it. But I also shared my story to say that there's hope and she doesn't need to worry that she's too late. Even if she never marries, she could still have a child. And if she doesn't have a child, she could still be happy. But time is literally running out, in that our time here is completely finite, so if she is not living life fully now, I hope she will take steps to do so.
I remember my brother once telling me how sad he was for me and how he really hoped I would get back out dating again, and that he really hoped I would get to be a mom. It did mean a lot to me that he validated my worth as a potential mother and potential partner, but I just wasn't in an emotional space to make those kinds of changes at the time.
FWIW, I'm 43 now and still just as overweight, but I'm married and have the most delightful, loving, wonderful 18 month old. I know I'm lucky; at 38 I had pretty much given up on conceiving my own child. I still struggle with depression, but I treat it as a chronic, treatable illness and work hard to take care of myself. I know I have a lot to offer the world as a mom and as a friend.
When I decided to put myself back out there, I really made it essentially like a job. I knew I would really need to make an effort. I actually had the most luck with Craigslist for dating -- I hated the "on the shelf waiting" feeling of Match and other dating services. With CL, I was in the driver's seat: I would post an ad in the W4M section saying I was looking for a companion for X activity (in public) for the weekend, something that I really enjoy, like biking or hiking or kayaking, etc. And then I would go meet the person for that activity. At worst, the dates were exercise with a weird person. At best, well, at best I met my now-husband.
Centering the meetup with the person around a fun activity really helped to normalize the pressure of meeting a stranger for a date, and it helped filter out people who had no shared interests with me. (Reading email replies helped, too, as I could filter out lots of people on punctuation and spelling alone.) But I knew I wasn't up for long correspondence, as I simply had no patience for it. My end goal was an in-person companion, so I kept the "online" part of online dating to a minimum, while focusing on the dating itself.
That's the long way 'round in saying that your sister really can't be prodded or poked into doing this. You can affirm how loveable and wonderful she is, but you can't make her do any of this. She has to want it enough for herself to actually do it. But I also shared my story to say that there's hope and she doesn't need to worry that she's too late. Even if she never marries, she could still have a child. And if she doesn't have a child, she could still be happy. But time is literally running out, in that our time here is completely finite, so if she is not living life fully now, I hope she will take steps to do so.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 11:29
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
Anonymous wrote:Guys, come on. She's not running out of time at 35. I know plenty of people who married in their 40s or even later and have had wonderful lives with great partners. She's only running out of time if she wants to conceive kids with her own eggs - but that's just a part of life; not the whole thing.
My BFF is 40+ and actually has a similar yet opposite issue- she's anorexic and has been for decades and hasn't had a boyfriend in at least 15 years. Which is to say, she has her issues as well. Her sister actually got her a 3-month subscription to match.com and she actually went on dates. She wasn't wowed enough to keep up the subscription, but she did try it out and had fun.
She doesn't seem upset to be facing later adulthood singly. Many people are fine with it.
and some men are not going to even give a 40+ yr old woman a chance. for a variety of reasons, children being one.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 11:15
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
Anonymous wrote:Unless she meets and marries this year, she's out of time
Realistically she has until age 42 or so to get pregnant.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 11:04
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
What do you think you're going to tell her that she doesn't know? Do you think she isn't aware of online dating? Do you think she doesn't know she's overweight?
Aside from the issue of if she's running out of time (I would agree she absolutely is), your "helpful input" isn't likely to be great for your relationship with your sister. Dating advice from a married sibling is about as annoying as it comes, no matter how well intentioned. It treats the single person like they're stupid.
Unless she asks, I'd leave the topic alone and focus on having a great sisterly relationship.
Aside from the issue of if she's running out of time (I would agree she absolutely is), your "helpful input" isn't likely to be great for your relationship with your sister. Dating advice from a married sibling is about as annoying as it comes, no matter how well intentioned. It treats the single person like they're stupid.
Unless she asks, I'd leave the topic alone and focus on having a great sisterly relationship.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 10:39
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
Guys, come on. She's not running out of time at 35. I know plenty of people who married in their 40s or even later and have had wonderful lives with great partners. She's only running out of time if she wants to conceive kids with her own eggs - but that's just a part of life; not the whole thing.
My BFF is 40+ and actually has a similar yet opposite issue- she's anorexic and has been for decades and hasn't had a boyfriend in at least 15 years. Which is to say, she has her issues as well. Her sister actually got her a 3-month subscription to match.com and she actually went on dates. She wasn't wowed enough to keep up the subscription, but she did try it out and had fun.
She doesn't seem upset to be facing later adulthood singly. Many people are fine with it.
My BFF is 40+ and actually has a similar yet opposite issue- she's anorexic and has been for decades and hasn't had a boyfriend in at least 15 years. Which is to say, she has her issues as well. Her sister actually got her a 3-month subscription to match.com and she actually went on dates. She wasn't wowed enough to keep up the subscription, but she did try it out and had fun.
She doesn't seem upset to be facing later adulthood singly. Many people are fine with it.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 10:32
Subject: Re:worried about my single and 35 year old sister
If I were a fortune teller, what I see in your sister's future is regret. 30's is the decade where you are running out of time. If things are not working for her then now is the time to make big changes. In your 20's it is all ahead of you and people waste time. In your 30's is when you should get off the road that is not leading where you want to go. This is why people may have a midlife crisis. Regrets pile up. If she has a weight/food issue she needs to tackle this. Like any bad habit/addiction this will only get worse.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 08:44
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
At least she has time and can help watch kids
Anonymous
11/20/2014 08:33
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
Unless she meets and marries this year, she's out of time
Anonymous
11/20/2014 08:30
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
I was very overweight in my 30's and didn't date much at all. The reason was that there were a lot of weirdos that had a fattie fetish and those were the kind of guys I met on online sites. I just didn't want to deal with those kind of guys.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 08:28
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
Online dating works for some people, but it is a big investment of time. She might do better trying to meet people through clubs and activities. Then at least she's doing something she enjoys. I believe we just have to meet people and meet more people, and eventually we will find the one. Shots on goal theory.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 07:29
Subject: Re:worried about my single and 35 year old sister
OP here - she's not asked for help, but we have talked about it and she has told me she feels like she's running out of time. She wants kids, she's 35, and she hasn't found a partner yet.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 07:28
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
I met my DH playing sports when I was 31 and he was 32, FWIW. Many of our friends met the same way.
I know the concerns you have, and I share them for my best friend. I occasionally try to nudge him toward more group sports, online dating, etc., but at the end of the day, he's just an introvert and not really suited for online dating or "picking up chicks" in the traditional sense. He needs to get to know people more naturally and over time, and that's just who he is, and I suspect that encouraging your sister to try things that are outside her comfort zone will produce similar non-results. I know how you feel - it's hard watching someone who you know is so great and would make a fantastic mate and parent just lose their 30s because they're too shy/insecure/busy/whatever. It sucks watching it happen, but I just have to keep reminding myself - we're all adults and we're all making choices that are true to who we are.
I know the concerns you have, and I share them for my best friend. I occasionally try to nudge him toward more group sports, online dating, etc., but at the end of the day, he's just an introvert and not really suited for online dating or "picking up chicks" in the traditional sense. He needs to get to know people more naturally and over time, and that's just who he is, and I suspect that encouraging your sister to try things that are outside her comfort zone will produce similar non-results. I know how you feel - it's hard watching someone who you know is so great and would make a fantastic mate and parent just lose their 30s because they're too shy/insecure/busy/whatever. It sucks watching it happen, but I just have to keep reminding myself - we're all adults and we're all making choices that are true to who we are.
Anonymous
11/20/2014 07:13
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
You say you feel like she's running out of time. Does she? Has she asked you for help in this area of her life?
Anonymous
11/20/2014 07:05
Subject: worried about my single and 35 year old sister
My sister is single and has never really had a boyfriend since college. She's 35 now. She's a fantastic person - fun and upbeat, caring, smart, interesting, etc. She's also really overweight, which I think has affected her confidence in dating. I just worry about her so much because I don't want her to be alone her whole life! She's moved a few times and she doesn't even have a local close circle of friends (that actually bothers me more than the no boyfriend/husband thing).
I'm thinking about broaching the subject of her trying an on line dating service. Is that the main way people are meeting now if they are professional 30 somethings? I know that it's important to her to get married and have kids - we've talked about that - and I feel like she's running out of time.
Do I just let it be, or do I encourage her to give her a boost of confidence?
If you got married in your mid-30s, how did you meet your spouse?
I'm thinking about broaching the subject of her trying an on line dating service. Is that the main way people are meeting now if they are professional 30 somethings? I know that it's important to her to get married and have kids - we've talked about that - and I feel like she's running out of time.
Do I just let it be, or do I encourage her to give her a boost of confidence?
If you got married in your mid-30s, how did you meet your spouse?