Anonymous wrote:fuck em. Pour your own wine, eat your own food. mock them behind their backs. I think that's what in-laws are for.

This. I agree with the other poster too who mentioned do some holidays at your own home and do it the way you like. You could just have friends if you wish. You could invite family and if they don't come so what?

Good booze is a must. Break etiquette rules and open the wine you brought. Best Thanksgiving I ever had with my in-laws was the one where I was buzzed the whole time. I drink maybe a few times a year, so after slowly drinking a glass I'm buzzing and I just need to add another glass a few hours later and the buzz continues. Sometimes when they act like assholes I just start giggling (thanks to alcohol).

Sorry, I'm in the same place you are. I have brought my food and dressed like I normally do, but it feels fake even after all these years.

I've started to just think of it as a big family dinner with them, and not Thanksgiving. I try not to think of the fact that I'm NOT with my family - which is sort of easy anyway since it's not the same now that my Grandmother is gone. And I just get through it. I dread it, because everyone else is so excited and I'm not, but I fake it for one night for the kids and husband.

Anonymous wrote:fuck em. Pour your own wine, eat your own food. mock them behind their backs. I think that's what in-laws are for.

This.

OP, you are not alone. I adore the PP who mentioned the game about what offensive things they will do - wish I had thought of that 20 years ago! Now *I* have a new holiday tradition

OP, our IL's would start dinner without us, in spite of our having waited each prior year when SIL's children made them late - and there would actually be (get this) little or (usually) *no* dinner food left. Such that we had to stop at McDonald's on the way home. How depressing is that? So, we try to have holiday food on hand, which is difficult, because we travel most of the break, and can't leave food in the fridge, for obvious reasons. MIL knows this, but does not give a flying care. I have actually started to outright remind them to leave food for our children. Even though, deep down, I was wishing for my family's holiday. I get it.

What I don't get is how some families can be so cold, insular and uncaring during a "holiday" season.

fuck em. Pour your own wine, eat your own food. mock them behind their backs. I think that's what in-laws are for.

Not to be snarky , but at what point do you and hubby to stay home on any given holiday???
Seriously, you can decide to stay at home, invite EVERYONE and whomever declines, so what, you get to have the holiday YOU want. You don't have to spend every holiday with someone who birthed you or your husband.

If you can't go to your family due to work how about every other year inviting your family to come to you. Invite his as well, they can come or not. That way you can do a rotation of one major holiday with each family annually.

It is hard to be joyful when others are discounting your needs in favor of their own. My SIL and I have pretty different traditions too, and we always accommodate each other in the areas that matter most to each of us. We can simultaneously enjoy and laugh at each other's traditions because we accept that we are different. It is much harder when it is a one way street.

So, how about finding some parts of their traditions that you like and focusing on those, and being joyful about your relationship with DH, then saving something special for the two of you to do before or after the family get together that will be the seed of a new family tradition of your own. Then you can either replay that tape in your head during dinner, or sit quietly, looking forward to it.

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely despise my brother's wife. The first few years were just hellish at Thanksgiving - no liquor and 15 minute prayer before dinner. Then at dessert a thank you prayer and then a discussion about the problems with the "blacks" in the city.

My husband made up a game a couple of years ago where we bet on what offensive things she will say, how many times she will say certain phrases, how long the prayers will be, etc. We write them down in the car on the way.

Since I am a competitive person, I am constantly rooting now for a longer prayer (to beat my husband's time) and particular offensive comments as well, so I always look joyful and attentive.

Are we too mean?

LOVE this!! It's awesome! DH isn't on my side though. He loves being able to talk about politics and religion ad nauseum.

I absolutely despise my brother's wife. The first few years were just hellish at Thanksgiving - no liquor and 15 minute prayer before dinner. Then at dessert a thank you prayer and then a discussion about the problems with the "blacks" in the city.

My husband made up a game a couple of years ago where we bet on what offensive things she will say, how many times she will say certain phrases, how long the prayers will be, etc. We write them down in the car on the way.

Since I am a competitive person, I am constantly rooting now for a longer prayer (to beat my husband's time) and particular offensive comments as well, so I always look joyful and attentive.

Are we too mean?

Anonymous wrote:Bring more wine. Open a bottle yourself.

But I would also talk with DH about why you always have to spend Thanksgiving with his family.

We can't travel to my family for Thanksgiving because we work Wednesday and Friday (can't take annual leave). We rotate Christmases, which saves my sanity.

This year his family has both Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Seriously though you all, I need some more suggestions on being joyful. I feel like I have a breakdown over the holidays every year.

Bring more wine. Open a bottle yourself.

But I would also talk with DH about why you always have to spend Thanksgiving with his family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, they won't let you drink?

F that.

They take the bottle of wine I bring and serve White Zinfandel.

You need to step it up. Bring Dewar's scotch, keep it handy. Add ice and a splash of water.

What the hell do they do all Thursday morning? And they don't dress up?

Anonymous wrote:Wait, they won't let you drink?

F that.

They take the bottle of wine I bring and serve White Zinfandel.

Wait, they won't let you drink?

F that.

Teach me how to be joyful with my in laws. What secrets do you all have for holidays with the inlaws?

Thanksgiving is really hard for me because in laws traditions are so different than my family's. They eat different food, it's very informal, and it's all cooked before we arrive (Wednesday night). I get unbelievably homesick on Thanksgiving. I miss cooking in the kitchen with my family, eating normal Thanksgiving foods, getting dressed up and wine!

I've tried over the years:
to dress up like I usually would (makes me seem more like an outsider)
to bring my favorite dishes from my family (actually weren't served last year! They were what we ate the day after)
inviting everyone to my house (they won't come)

I try to just pretend that Thanksgiving is just a normal visit with them, but I seriously miss Thanksgivings that I used to know. It's probably the loneliest day of the year for me.