Anonymous
11/16/2014 20:46
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
I hate staying at someone else's house in a crowded space. My kids and I all sleep better in our own space and sleep is golden to us. My ILs also have a lot of sitting around and doing nothing and it drives me bananas.
So I vote having her visit you.
Have some easy meals planned so you're not spending the whole time catering to everyone, buy some bagels and muffins for breakfast, lunch meat and sandwich fixings for lunch. Have some fun outings planned.
And when your DH is home, you MUST get out of the house and get your teacher plans done. Don't stay in the house because you'll get roped into something. Tell him that you getting some time to yourself is a priority while MIL is there. Schedule it so it WILL happen and everyone knows when you'll be out of the house.
So I vote having her visit you.
Have some easy meals planned so you're not spending the whole time catering to everyone, buy some bagels and muffins for breakfast, lunch meat and sandwich fixings for lunch. Have some fun outings planned.
And when your DH is home, you MUST get out of the house and get your teacher plans done. Don't stay in the house because you'll get roped into something. Tell him that you getting some time to yourself is a priority while MIL is there. Schedule it so it WILL happen and everyone knows when you'll be out of the house.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 20:41
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sorry but your husband has to take at least one if not two days off to spend with her. That is a non-negotiable. Have her come on a Friday night so husband has the weekend to spend with her, plus another work day. The visit can be from Friday night to Wednesday morning.
OP here. He usually does try to take at least a day off when she's here but he's in a commission-based business so even if he's "off" he's still connected to work and if an issue comes up or a potential client wants to meet then he does because he could lose the sale if he doesn't. The past few times she's come I've planned a few things like a dr appointment for myself or a dinner with friends, but she gets offended that I am choosing to do anything but spend time with her.
She's also of the mind that he's soooo important since he is in the business field and earns the majority of our income, so it's fine that he spends tons of time on the phone or email or running to the office. I'm "just" a teacher and on break so I should have nothing to do but host and have her be my shadow. He kind of plays into it while she's here and it annoys the hell out of me. I've talked with him about it and he denies doing any more work than usual, and it may just be bad timing, but it seems to happen every time she's here.
And to answer the question about why it has to be 5 nights if she comes here--it doesn't necessarily have to be but she feels that if she's spending the money for a ticket then she wants to get quality time out of it. If I lie and say we have some non-negotiable event so that she'll leave by a certain date then we have to keep up the charade the whole time she's here because she'll ask a million questions about it.
She's a generally nice woman who means well but having her here stresses me out. I know she wants time with DS so I try to see it from her perspective but I also am getting tired of spending every school break with her here or us going there.
Since your kid is 3, he can go anytime to see MIL. Have your husband take DS alone while you stay home and teach.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 20:35
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but your husband has to take at least one if not two days off to spend with her. That is a non-negotiable. Have her come on a Friday night so husband has the weekend to spend with her, plus another work day. The visit can be from Friday night to Wednesday morning.
OP here. He usually does try to take at least a day off when she's here but he's in a commission-based business so even if he's "off" he's still connected to work and if an issue comes up or a potential client wants to meet then he does because he could lose the sale if he doesn't. The past few times she's come I've planned a few things like a dr appointment for myself or a dinner with friends, but she gets offended that I am choosing to do anything but spend time with her.
She's also of the mind that he's soooo important since he is in the business field and earns the majority of our income, so it's fine that he spends tons of time on the phone or email or running to the office. I'm "just" a teacher and on break so I should have nothing to do but host and have her be my shadow. He kind of plays into it while she's here and it annoys the hell out of me. I've talked with him about it and he denies doing any more work than usual, and it may just be bad timing, but it seems to happen every time she's here.
And to answer the question about why it has to be 5 nights if she comes here--it doesn't necessarily have to be but she feels that if she's spending the money for a ticket then she wants to get quality time out of it. If I lie and say we have some non-negotiable event so that she'll leave by a certain date then we have to keep up the charade the whole time she's here because she'll ask a million questions about it.
She's a generally nice woman who means well but having her here stresses me out. I know she wants time with DS so I try to see it from her perspective but I also am getting tired of spending every school break with her here or us going there.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 19:57
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Why is entertaining your husband's mother your responsibility? Helping, sure- but the work "mostly falling on you" = serious conversation with husband in the year 2014, as far as I am concerned.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 18:38
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but your husband has to take at least one if not two days off to spend with her. That is a non-negotiable. Have her come on a Friday night so husband has the weekend to spend with her, plus another work day. The visit can be from Friday night to Wednesday morning.
This. And schedule some stuff NOW to do out of the house for those days, so she's not in your space 100% of the time. Like gym time, library story time, ZooLights at the zoo, whatever. Good luck.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 18:33
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Sorry but your husband has to take at least one if not two days off to spend with her. That is a non-negotiable. Have her come on a Friday night so husband has the weekend to spend with her, plus another work day. The visit can be from Friday night to Wednesday morning.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 18:26
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Why can't your MIL stay three nights at your house? Why does it have to be so long?
I would tell DH it needs to be shorter and he needs to take a day off to spend with her.
I would tell DH it needs to be shorter and he needs to take a day off to spend with her.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 18:14
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
hotel
Anonymous
11/16/2014 15:56
Subject: Re:MIL: would you rather?
I was in the having her visit for 5 nights camp even before you posted a second time and now I am much more firmly in that corner. If I had to sit around in someone else's house with nothing to do for three days, I'd want to slit my throat. Even if all the work fell on me, which it does in my house, but having three kids, adding another person to the chaos isn't a big deal, I still would rather have her come here. And, then there is the money issue. I'd hate to spend the money to do something I didn't find fun. And, it is no picnic taking a flight with a three year old.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 15:50
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Anonymous wrote:OP again.
Some details: not a long flight but she lives somewhere much colder than here. It would be during the Christmas week. We don't celebrate Christmas so that's not a factor.
When we go there: a whole lot of sitting around, house not at all kid-friendly (I don't expect her to change her house for us, but DS (3) needs to constantly be supervised). Too cold to go outside in the winter. Very crowded space because SIL lives with her and nieces frequently sleep over in a 2 bedroom house.
When she comes here: the work mostly falls on me. I am a teacher and am off work that week. DH works that week. I rely on the breaks to get my house in order, run errands, schedule appointments so I don't have to take time off of work and meet up with friends who come into town. MIL won't stay in the house alone with DS, so I can't leave the house unless she and DS come with me.
As much as I dislike traveling during the winter to where she lives, I'd rather just do it and be done in 3 nights. DH doesn't want to spend the money it takes to travel there.
Is there another option I'm not thinking about? We end up having the same discussion before every winter and spring break. This year it won't be possible to travel there during spring break because DS will be having surgery a few weeks before that.
There are worse problems to have, I know.
Can she come to you for three days? Can you have inflexible plans that force this abbreviated visit?
Anonymous
11/16/2014 15:45
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
OP again.
Some details: not a long flight but she lives somewhere much colder than here. It would be during the Christmas week. We don't celebrate Christmas so that's not a factor.
When we go there: a whole lot of sitting around, house not at all kid-friendly (I don't expect her to change her house for us, but DS (3) needs to constantly be supervised). Too cold to go outside in the winter. Very crowded space because SIL lives with her and nieces frequently sleep over in a 2 bedroom house.
When she comes here: the work mostly falls on me. I am a teacher and am off work that week. DH works that week. I rely on the breaks to get my house in order, run errands, schedule appointments so I don't have to take time off of work and meet up with friends who come into town. MIL won't stay in the house alone with DS, so I can't leave the house unless she and DS come with me.
As much as I dislike traveling during the winter to where she lives, I'd rather just do it and be done in 3 nights. DH doesn't want to spend the money it takes to travel there.
Is there another option I'm not thinking about? We end up having the same discussion before every winter and spring break. This year it won't be possible to travel there during spring break because DS will be having surgery a few weeks before that.
There are worse problems to have, I know.
Some details: not a long flight but she lives somewhere much colder than here. It would be during the Christmas week. We don't celebrate Christmas so that's not a factor.
When we go there: a whole lot of sitting around, house not at all kid-friendly (I don't expect her to change her house for us, but DS (3) needs to constantly be supervised). Too cold to go outside in the winter. Very crowded space because SIL lives with her and nieces frequently sleep over in a 2 bedroom house.
When she comes here: the work mostly falls on me. I am a teacher and am off work that week. DH works that week. I rely on the breaks to get my house in order, run errands, schedule appointments so I don't have to take time off of work and meet up with friends who come into town. MIL won't stay in the house alone with DS, so I can't leave the house unless she and DS come with me.
As much as I dislike traveling during the winter to where she lives, I'd rather just do it and be done in 3 nights. DH doesn't want to spend the money it takes to travel there.
Is there another option I'm not thinking about? We end up having the same discussion before every winter and spring break. This year it won't be possible to travel there during spring break because DS will be having surgery a few weeks before that.
There are worse problems to have, I know.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 15:27
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Don't care.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 15:26
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
For me and my situation specifically, I'd rather have her come stay for 5 nights. We are usually the ones going to visit and I really appreciate the effort when she comes. It lets her feel more connected to our day to day lives, and I like being a hostess. My MIL is fine though, a little irritating but nothing major. I'm much more comfortable in my own home and have a flexible work schedule that would allow me to be a decent host.
Don't mind going to visit her either, but if everything else was the same (no guilt trips, not a financial burden on anyone, no other family we'd be seeing if we went to see her), I'd rather have her to our home.
If she was a terror of a MIL, then I would likely feel differently. And I'd probably get a hotel.
Don't mind going to visit her either, but if everything else was the same (no guilt trips, not a financial burden on anyone, no other family we'd be seeing if we went to see her), I'd rather have her to our home.
If she was a terror of a MIL, then I would likely feel differently. And I'd probably get a hotel.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 15:26
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Easy, but we don't get along. At all. Fly and see her for three nights. It's two days that I get back, plus she's not in my space messing things up and giving me the stank eye. Finally let her cook and host and I can relax take walks and feel like I don't have to entertain all day long.
Anonymous
11/16/2014 15:21
Subject: MIL: would you rather?
Would you rather fly to visit her for 3 nights or have her come stay with you for 5 nights?