Anonymous wrote:Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I think the difficulty is that FIL/MIL are really NOT obnoxious - and sort of want to see the kids and *try* to help in not-always-helpful ways - but it's is just clear that they don't want to or are not equipped to deal with basically a baby and toddler. So I kind of always feel like the b*tch who is complicating all the outings and being needlessly rigid. That said I think pushing folks to commit to a basic timeline and actually *scheduling* their alone time w DH is probably the way to go.

I think what they'd really like is some sort of Downton Abbey type scenario where nanny (guess that's my role!) presents the children (in fresh white cotton) for an hour or so, and then everyone proceeds to cocktails.

(Which sounds sort of awesome--were I not nanny--but is about 180 degrees from the current chaos that is our life!)

I grew up with a set of grandparents that I was not close to. They came to visit once a year for dinner. I'd come home, and there they'd be in our living room. They never once played a game with me or came to see my bedroom. We'd eat dinner, and they'd leave. We were welcome to come sleep over at their condo in Florida after we had graduated from high school. I loved them just fine. I never compared them to my other grandparents who came to all our plays and recitals, let us stay over every three-day weekend, played endless card games with us, and saw us weekly. OP, just plan for them to come and do adult activities. Hire a babysitter for the kids.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I think the difficulty is that FIL/MIL are really NOT obnoxious - and sort of want to see the kids and *try* to help in not-always-helpful ways - but it's is just clear that they don't want to or are not equipped to deal with basically a baby and toddler. So I kind of always feel like the b*tch who is complicating all the outings and being needlessly rigid. That said I think pushing folks to commit to a basic timeline and actually *scheduling* their alone time w DH is probably the way to go.

I think what they'd really like is some sort of Downton Abbey type scenario where nanny (guess that's my role!) presents the children (in fresh white cotton) for an hour or so, and then everyone proceeds to cocktails.

(Which sounds sort of awesome--were I not nanny--but is about 180 degrees from the current chaos that is our life!)

I think it's nice that FIL wants one on one time with your dh. Look at it as a model of good father/child bonding that your dh will then want to pass off to your children.

I am a stickler about naps because my kids were not easy going. If your kids can be pushed a little, then push, if not, then stay back for at least the afternoon nap, no exceptions. Structure and advanced planning will make it easier on all
Of you. At my in laws house we stay inside ALL day unless o propose a walk to the playground and even that is met with push back.

Breathe and try to enjoy the good that they are to you!

My ILs like to say they're kid people, but they aren't, and our visits can also be exhausting for similar reasons (trying to maintain our schedule somewhat, and entertaining/hosting them). The one thing they are not at all is helpful. They won't so much as put a coffee cup in the dishwasher (their own, not ours) without expecting to be thanked profusely. They really do expect to be hosted like guests.

I also have the weird dynamic with MIL. She is DH's stepmom, who joined the family after he had graduated from college, so I do understand why FIL wants time with DH. BUT, same problem here: MIL is put out by this, and doesn't want to hang out with me and the kids. She wants to go get mani/pedis, or go out to lunch at a cute brunch place, etc..

Our kids are 4, 3, 1, and I'm pregnant, so there's not a ot of opportunity for the kind of adult, relaxed vacation they seem to want, especially while staying with us.

So, we're just kind of plodding through, trying to give each person what they want some of the time, and recognizing that they're talking about us behind our backs the rest of the time (they do this with everyone else, so I'm sure they're doing it with us, too). They are just going to think we're rude and our kids are difficult (which means they require time and energy to take care of) for another few years. They only visit 1-2 times a year, so we just prepare mentally.

Definitely plan out the basic structure of the day, and put your foot down around general nap times. This should be easier if they are coming to you, you can pick a few kid friendly activities and a few things for your DH and FIL to do. My dad and stepmom are similar. They love DS and want to spend time with him, but just don't think about timing. We try to be flexible, but if we don't explain about nap time/bed time, they'll forget and make reservations for a 9pm dinner and expect the 2yo to be awake and well behaved.

So you're unhappy because the ILs evidently don't care about spending time with you and the children, and you can never put your foot down to come home for naptime?

It's a few days a year, no big deal about the nap. Not including you in the planning is rude, but then I've got the impression you are not including yourself!

Ah well. At least they don't do more obnoxious things ILs have been known to do on these boards.

What sorts of things does your FIL want to do with your DH? (Your use of mano-a-mano has me thinking wrestling.) Is it something they could go do once the kids are down for the night? Could they do it after you head home with the kids for naptime, with the understanding that they will be home for dinner, which they will bring?

Anonymous wrote:If they only visit a few times a year, it's safe to assume you should just plan ahead that they want some alone time with DH.

You could also make things go more smoothly if you all trapse together if take two cars out in the morning and bring the kids back yourself at naptime.

+1

If they only visit a few times a year, it's safe to assume you should just plan ahead that they want some alone time with DH.

You could also make things go more smoothly if you all trapse together if take two cars out in the morning and bring the kids back yourself at naptime.

Anonymous wrote:OP, first, your children are very young. Your in-laws are evidently not small-kid/baby people, but they may still turn out to be really great older-kid people.

Also, there is no reason for all of you to go trooping around the town, missing naps. The people who want to troop should troop; the people who need naps should stay home. And if your father-in-law wants some alone time with his son, let him have it! Practice saying this, "The kids and I will stay home. You go and have a great time!"

+1

I've found with my in-laws that they are not going to plan around sleeping patterns for our kids but are respectful when I politely say that we need to be home for naps and bedtime.

IMO, you should be willing to stay with the kids while your DH goes and does things with his parents. It stinks that they won't hang around the house with you, but that's the way it is for now. And if you get both kids asleep, have a glass of wine and watch a show or read a book!

OP, first, your children are very young. Your in-laws are evidently not small-kid/baby people, but they may still turn out to be really great older-kid people.

Also, there is no reason for all of you to go trooping around the town, missing naps. The people who want to troop should troop; the people who need naps should stay home. And if your father-in-law wants some alone time with his son, let him have it! Practice saying this, "The kids and I will stay home. You go and have a great time!"

Gracious sakes!

You should at least try to plan the day and day out loud "we need to be back at the house by x time for naps." Plan that DH and FIL have some one on one time each trip.

Also, are you going there or are they coming to you? Easier to take charge in your own home!

You know they aren't kid people. Plan around that. Never miss nap time for family.

Well just got through another visit from the in-laws... and as usual, DH and I end up bickering, kids melting down, etc. My in-laws are in many contexts great--we are not particularly close but they are fairly laid back, always nice/polite to me. The problem is that now we have two kids, 2.5 yrs and 10 mos, and they really aren't kid people. I am not concerned about that at all in general, but it makes visits exhausting because we are trooping around town, often missing naps, etc. and my FIL always just wants to do something with DH without the kids, which is not particularly easy to do spontaneously. I end up staying home w/ the baby half the time to spare him all this, or get both kids dumped on me when FIL wants to go off on some mano-a-mano activities (and MIL, although nice, does not really want to stay w me and the kids either - another weird dynamic). Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Should I try to make DH at least plan the basic day in advance so we have a sense of schedule, or just put my foot down and demand more kid-friendly timing. Or should I just suck it up since they only visit a couple times a year? DH just kind of follows them around though tries to get us home at least for the afternoon nap, but kids' limits always end up getting pushed...