Anonymous wrote:My MIL doesn't hate me, but I definitely rocked the boat when I came along and didn't just go along with her passive -aggressive behavior for the sake of "family peace."

+1

I, too, think MIL is threatened by me because I am so different from her. As if it is some kind of insult or personal affront to her, that I am so opposite in every way. I try to celebrate differences in people; that is what I was taught to do, and it is why I have some remarkable friends and family. In MIL's tiny world, "different" is "negative". In MIL's world, it is her way, it is about her, or forget it; especially if it is a wedding, funeral, birth - any kind of event about someone else.

I really would like to get along with her, and have tried. It is just too much work. She's not a happy person, and I'm not a professional therapist by trade.

Funny, few or no MILs are chiming in.

My MIL doesn't hate me, but I definitely rocked the boat when I came along and didn't just go along with her passive -aggressive behavior for the sake of "family peace."

Actually my MIL seems to like me, or at least hide it well. My DH once explained that it's because I am the least crazy woman he has ever dated, so his mother was happy to cut a deal. (Isn't he a charmer?)

I'm not a MIL, but I can tell you why my MIL hates me. DH is her favorite and I am just not what she envisioned for her son. I don't fit the bill in terms of personality, career, looks, or general disposition. In short, I am the complete opposite of her in every way. I think some part of her knows this and might feel threatened by our differences and questions why my DH "chose" me.

She used to actively hate me, but after 8 years, she's mainly indifferent towards me but occasionionally lets me know her disapproval in sucker punch comments or back handed compliments. Honestly, it's exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:I love mine because she gave me two amazing, wonderful, loving grandchildren. And she is a good mother to them. She however isn't the woman (and hence the life) I had envisioned for my son. I look past a lot because its none of my business but one thing that really gets me is how she puts so much financial pressure on my son. They have more than enough money but to her they always need a little more. I feel like she chases after some different vain goal every 5 years and than once its attained its on to the next.

How do you know she pressures him?

I love mine because she gave me two amazing, wonderful, loving grandchildren. And she is a good mother to them. She however isn't the woman (and hence the life) I had envisioned for my son. I look past a lot because its none of my business but one thing that really gets me is how she puts so much financial pressure on my son. They have more than enough money but to her they always need a little more. I feel like she chases after some different vain goal every 5 years and than once its attained its on to the next.

Thanks for posting and explaining so well. signed, another Mom

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love mine because she gave me two amazing, wonderful, loving grandchildren. And she is a good mother to them. She however isn't the woman (and hence the life) I had envisioned for my son. I look past a lot because its none of my business but one thing that really gets me is how she puts so much financial pressure on my son. They have more than enough money but to her they always need a little more. I feel like she chases after some different vain goal every 5 years and than once its attained its on to the next.

How do you know about the financial pressure and the vain goals? Do they really discuss these things with you?

Yes he does. And its not me asking its him venting. Not often...but every 3-6 months he will unload and its always the same underlying issue.

Anonymous wrote:I love mine because she gave me two amazing, wonderful, loving grandchildren. And she is a good mother to them. She however isn't the woman (and hence the life) I had envisioned for my son. I look past a lot because its none of my business but one thing that really gets me is how she puts so much financial pressure on my son. They have more than enough money but to her they always need a little more. I feel like she chases after some different vain goal every 5 years and than once its attained its on to the next.

The woman you describe - chasing after some vain goal and always wanting money - is my MIL. When DH married me he told me that he could never marry someone like his mom, because she was always bemoaning how her other relatives or friends had more than her. DH believes that it forced my FIL to always wanting to amass wealth.

However, I believe that both FIL and MIL are materialistic and avaricious in nature. No one partner forces his will on another without any friction. ILs have very different values that DH does not subscribe to.

I think most of the time such couples are actually well suited to one another. What you are objecting to is what you think what your son would like to have (a less materialistic wife), but she is actually exactly what he wants and needs. That they are good people is obvious in the fact that they are a happy family and mom is a good mother. Not black and white but tons of shades of gray - just like my ILs.

Anonymous wrote:I love mine because she gave me two amazing, wonderful, loving grandchildren. And she is a good mother to them. She however isn't the woman (and hence the life) I had envisioned for my son. I look past a lot because its none of my business but one thing that really gets me is how she puts so much financial pressure on my son. They have more than enough money but to her they always need a little more. I feel like she chases after some different vain goal every 5 years and than once its attained its on to the next.

How do you know about the financial pressure and the vain goals? Do they really discuss these things with you?

Anonymous wrote:I love mine because she gave me two amazing, wonderful, loving grandchildren. And she is a good mother to them. She however isn't the woman (and hence the life) I had envisioned for my son. I look past a lot because its none of my business but one thing that really gets me is how she puts so much financial pressure on my son. They have more than enough money but to her they always need a little more. I feel like she chases after some different vain goal every 5 years and than once its attained its on to the next.

The typical "my dream was crushed" scenario. Perhaps your son is fine with the arrangement?

I love mine because she gave me two amazing, wonderful, loving grandchildren. And she is a good mother to them. She however isn't the woman (and hence the life) I had envisioned for my son. I look past a lot because its none of my business but one thing that really gets me is how she puts so much financial pressure on my son. They have more than enough money but to her they always need a little more. I feel like she chases after some different vain goal every 5 years and than once its attained its on to the next.

Yes, she's disingenuous.

^ I'm joking. My son isn't married yet, but really it's going to be something real primal like that.

she married my son

Is there a reason? I am curious, author of the difficult MIL holiday gift here. Thanks.