Agreeing with the PPs that you really shouldn't lie to the dr about being sexually active or having had an exam before. Besides the fact that there is nothing to lie or be embarrassed about here, if you lie, it sounds like you'll be worrying the WHOLE time about how everything looks. Why put that stress on yourself?

If the exam hurts or is uncomfortable or you just want them to stop for a second so you can catch your breath, you need to be able to say that. But if you've lied to them upfront about how you've done this before, then are flinching or asking them to stop, you'll get a lot more of the "is everything ok," "do you find intercourse uncomfortable" kind of questions to answer.

BTW -- they'll also do a breast exam and very likely a regular abdominal exam too -- along with the lower abdominal exam during the bimanual. Just so you're not shocked if they do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don't like to your GYN. It is best for them to know the truth so they can best treat you. I don't see this as a cause for embarrassment. I see my multiple partners as reason for embarrassment.

Seriously? I agree with you 100% that there is nothing embarrassing about OP's situation, but I'm embarrassed for you that you can throw out a statement like this without batting an eye.

Such a rude comment. You don't need to understand why she is embarrassed.

I was in your situation and chose to go to an OB/Gyn practice who saw many "religious" women (not nuns, just lots of very conservative catholics and the like). My experience was very positive. I was honest about it being my first exam and never having any sexual partners. The NP was very kind and undestanding and didn't look at me like I was some strange anomoly. I would recommend them without reservation. I drive 45 minutes for my appointment because i love them so much. The practice is Tepeyac Family Center.

Have you considered meeting with a midwife instead of an OB/GYN? Most midwives schedule more time for individual appointments and tend to offer a more sensitive approach. I recommend the MFA midwives who practice at GWU and have offices in Foggy Bottom and Bethesda.

I would advise you against lying to your healthcare provider about your experience (both with intimacy and prior examination). You might consider requesting an office consultation prior to examination. This would afford you an opportunity to inform your provider of your circumstance, ask questions about what to expect, and be sure that you are comfortable with this provider prior to an exam. If you find that you are not comfortable, you are under no obligation to allow someone to exam or treat you. Be sure to request that they explain the procedures in advance and again as they are performing the exam so that you are prepared.

For the record, a speculum exam will likely not break your hymen. Neither will tampons, as another poster suggested.

Best of luck to you!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don't like to your GYN. It is best for them to know the truth so they can best treat you. I don't see this as a cause for embarrassment. I see my multiple partners as reason for embarrassment.

Seriously? I agree with you 100% that there is nothing embarrassing about OP's situation, but I'm embarrassed for you that you can throw out a statement like this without batting an eye.

Yes, I am embarrassed by the number of partners I've had. I used to sleep around quite a bit when I was younger due to self esteem issues.

I have more than one friend in their late 30s who are virgins and don't even have a religious motivation. It's unusual, but not unheard of. I wouldn't lie about it, it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of and it's not really advantageous to lie to a doctor. I also feel like they will be more sensitive to your situation if they know the truth.

I'd book an appointment with a female practitioner.

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, don't like to your GYN. It is best for them to know the truth so they can best treat you. I don't see this as a cause for embarrassment. I see my multiple partners as reason for embarrassment.

Seriously? I agree with you 100% that there is nothing embarrassing about OP's situation, but I'm embarrassed for you that you can throw out a statement like this without batting an eye.

Whatever you do, don't like to your GYN. It is best for them to know the truth so they can best treat you. I don't see this as a cause for embarrassment. I see my multiple partners as reason for embarrassment.

Go to a female doctor. I will never understand why women go to male GYN.

Do you have a place of worship? Can you ask other women of your faith for a recommendation?

I think you'd be surprised how many women gyns have seen who are in your situation. And in all sorts of other situations.

Find someone who is well recommended. When they ask, "are you sexually active" you simply say, "no, and I never have been." I don't think they'll bat an eyelash.

Meanwhile, I'll tell you this little story which should give you an example of their experience. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what was causing a horrid brownish discharge. Went to the gyno. She pulled out a tampon that I had forgot about from a week earlier. The stench was absolutely amazing. She whipped out a can of febreeze or lysol or something and sprayed around, while still smiling or chatting about the weather.

Seriously, there is nothing embarrassing that they haven't both seen and been kind about. Their job involves a lot of weird moments!

Do you use tampons? I'd so then it won't be obvious that you've never been sexually active. If not, I'd start wearing tampons to break the hymen so the dr doesn't have to. Get used to touching yourself down there, get a dildo if that would help. It's no problem to lie about never been sexually active.

I think your best bet is to find a gyn who comes well-recommended for bedside manner, and then be completely honest. You're right that they otherwise will probably presume some sexual activity, and I think your lack of experience and related anxiety is relevant for them to know, especially if it would change how they do the exam (e.g., the extent to which they will talk you through the exam and tell you what to expect to feel). Completely honest doesn't need to be a novel, it can be as simple as, "For religious reasons, I've never been sexually active. I've also never had a gyn exam before, so I really don't know what to expect and I'm feeling anxious."

Relax and go. I was older and waited too. They gave me a hard time about not having an exam regularly and not about being sexually active.

I can totally imagine the things people on this board will say in response but still better than asking anyone in real life -- I'm in my mid 30s and have never been sexually active. No real explanation for it besides the fact that I'm from an orthodox religion and am not married. However, my friends around me probably don't know it -- I don't really hang out with too many people of my faith; don't have any religious dress that I must wear etc.

Anyway I've also never had a GYN exam. Now due to a scary situation that's arisen for an extended family member (who is in her 60s, gave birth to 2 kids etc so it's totally different), I'm feeling like it's dumb to never let anyone check you down there. Though the question is -- how do I handle this with a GYN to minimize embarrassment; not just physical embarrassment but more from the fact that I'm this old and yet so inexperienced? I know they say GYNs see it all, but the reality is that in most normal suburban practices, they're not seeing too many nuns or sex industry workers. They're seeing women my age who've had multiple partners and probably given birth 1-2 times and can pretty much handle anything down there; they're not seeing too many 35 yr olds who handle an exam like a 17 yr old.

Is there anyway I can lie and say I've been sexually active before but am not right now, or will they know immediately on exam? I obviously don't know but I feel like I can handle the speculum exam/pap smear; I expect it'll hurt, but I can get through it without too much reaction since it's done with instruments. The bimanual however is a different story and I can see myself tensing all over the place as soon as hands touch me. I mean a regular abdominal exam takes forever for me bc I tense up, so I imagine my reaction to this will be much worse given where they're touching.

Tips on how to handle? FWIW -- my regular dr. doesn't do pelvic exams; I feel like a GYN may be better just bc the do these all day every day and probably can handle it more efficiently when dealing with inexperienced patients. And I don't need to go back to them if I do really poorly, whereas I will have to see my regular dr again next time I need a flu shot and that'll be embarrassing.