THis is a DH problem, not MIL. Bottom line.

I don't have many problems with my MIL (lucky I guess, but now I probably just jinxed myself!), but my husband will also try to appease his mom before me if there's a conflict. For example, there was a big family event planned for right after I had our second child. MIL was adamant that we all go or if I couldn't go (I had a c-section), that my husband go and take our preschooler with him. I told my husband that I needed him around because I had just had the baby. He was all conflicted because he didn't want to upset his mom because he didn't want to have to deal with the aftermath if he didn't show up. I told him that he lives with me and that I could guarantee he would prefer to live with his mom's disappointment than to live (literally) with me and my anger. Maybe not my finest hour, but I was super hormonal and in pain, and my husband has backed me up ever since.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:our first baby, her first grand kid. She doesn't want boundaries, and takes even moderate line-drawing as personal insults. I need boundaries, am a private person, and need to feel like I have at least some control over my life. My family is totally different. There have been ridiculous dramatics that I won't go into, but she has been throwing fits over a number of what seem to me (and others) to be reasonable limits.

I just feel like she is inserting herself into my life and marriage unnecessarily at a pretty difficult time--new baby, new jobs, new house--and she is making things so much worse. My husband is guilt tripped beyond belief. I feel like I am walking on eggshells because he is so defensive of her.

I went through something similar where right after the baby was born, the MIL wanted to show up immediately and "help" which is not what I wanted, and not my idea of help. I wanted privacy to get over a traumatic birth experience and bond with my baby who I was separated from in the hospital. My husband sided with his mom, and it still irks me to this day. When she throws fits, it means the boundaries you are setting are working. Let her throw fits. That is her problem if she can't handle it. She needs to get a life, and your husband needs to realize he's now first and foremost your wife, and not his mommy's baby anymore. It's always the worst with the first grandkid. Eventually the novelty wears off and they will find someone else to intrude on.

I don't understand how a husband would side with his mother over his wife. If my husband ever pulled any crap like that I would show him how horrible I could make his life pretty dang quick. Luckily my Dh has an adult relationship with his mother AND his mother is very polite and respects boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:our first baby, her first grand kid. She doesn't want boundaries, and takes even moderate line-drawing as personal insults. I need boundaries, am a private person, and need to feel like I have at least some control over my life. My family is totally different. There have been ridiculous dramatics that I won't go into, but she has been throwing fits over a number of what seem to me (and others) to be reasonable limits.

I just feel like she is inserting herself into my life and marriage unnecessarily at a pretty difficult time--new baby, new jobs, new house--and she is making things so much worse. My husband is guilt tripped beyond belief. I feel like I am walking on eggshells because he is so defensive of her.

I went through something similar where right after the baby was born, the MIL wanted to show up immediately and "help" which is not what I wanted, and not my idea of help. I wanted privacy to get over a traumatic birth experience and bond with my baby who I was separated from in the hospital. My husband sided with his mom, and it still irks me to this day. When she throws fits, it means the boundaries you are setting are working. Let her throw fits. That is her problem if she can't handle it. She needs to get a life, and your husband needs to realize he's now first and foremost your wife, and not his mommy's baby anymore. It's always the worst with the first grandkid. Eventually the novelty wears off and they will find someone else to intrude on.

DH again. This is true. And I find I'm able to be even more committed to the boundaries when my mom is once again showing that she doesn't have self-control.

Anonymous wrote:our first baby, her first grand kid. She doesn't want boundaries, and takes even moderate line-drawing as personal insults. I need boundaries, am a private person, and need to feel like I have at least some control over my life. My family is totally different. There have been ridiculous dramatics that I won't go into, but she has been throwing fits over a number of what seem to me (and others) to be reasonable limits.

I just feel like she is inserting herself into my life and marriage unnecessarily at a pretty difficult time--new baby, new jobs, new house--and she is making things so much worse. My husband is guilt tripped beyond belief. I feel like I am walking on eggshells because he is so defensive of her.

I went through something similar where right after the baby was born, the MIL wanted to show up immediately and "help" which is not what I wanted, and not my idea of help. I wanted privacy to get over a traumatic birth experience and bond with my baby who I was separated from in the hospital. My husband sided with his mom, and it still irks me to this day. When she throws fits, it means the boundaries you are setting are working. Let her throw fits. That is her problem if she can't handle it. She needs to get a life, and your husband needs to realize he's now first and foremost your wife, and not his mommy's baby anymore. It's always the worst with the first grandkid. Eventually the novelty wears off and they will find someone else to intrude on.

Since this is the same old story, I'll give you the same old response: this is not a MIL problem; it's a DH problem.

Get into counseling stat and agree on ground rules/boundaries wrt MIL. If he is not willing to draw those lines, start planning the divorce. I wish I were kidding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mil and I got along great...until the baby came. Then my life turned into an episode of everybody loves Raymond. Literally tried to move in with us (we invited her for 3 days, she brought clothes and cleared her calendar for 3 months). Took apart the nursery while I was napping on maternity leave, because "it didn't make sense how you had it set up." Took the baby on a road trip to see a friend 4 hours away without asking. Judges everything I do as a mother and tells me why it's wrong. So frustrating.

The only way I have coped is by making dh handle all communication. I have not spoken to her in months and I can finally relax a little. It helps that she lives out of state.

Oh my god.

Wow, I would just cut her off. Let DH handle everything.

Anonymous wrote:Mil and I got along great...until the baby came. Then my life turned into an episode of everybody loves Raymond. Literally tried to move in with us (we invited her for 3 days, she brought clothes and cleared her calendar for 3 months). Took apart the nursery while I was napping on maternity leave, because "it didn't make sense how you had it set up." Took the baby on a road trip to see a friend 4 hours away without asking. Judges everything I do as a mother and tells me why it's wrong. So frustrating.

The only way I have coped is by making dh handle all communication. I have not spoken to her in months and I can finally relax a little. It helps that she lives out of state.

Oh my god.

Make sure you and your husband haven't accepted anything from her - money, favors, etc. If you "owe her" in her mind, she owns you.

1. Set Firm boundaries.
2. Get DH on board.
3. Present a united front.

Do it now, or suffer for years and do it later. It's like ripping off a bandaid. DH needs to reach down and check to make sure he's still got balls, and then USE them to stand up to his mother.

Anonymous wrote:Mil and I got along great...until the baby came. Then my life turned into an episode of everybody loves Raymond. Literally tried to move in with us (we invited her for 3 days, she brought clothes and cleared her calendar for 3 months). Took apart the nursery while I was napping on maternity leave, because "it didn't make sense how you had it set up." Took the baby on a road trip to see a friend 4 hours away without asking. Judges everything I do as a mother and tells me why it's wrong. So frustrating.

The only way I have coped is by making dh handle all communication. I have not spoken to her in months and I can finally relax a little. It helps that she lives out of state.

Wow. So sorry.

Mil and I got along great...until the baby came. Then my life turned into an episode of everybody loves Raymond. Literally tried to move in with us (we invited her for 3 days, she brought clothes and cleared her calendar for 3 months). Took apart the nursery while I was napping on maternity leave, because "it didn't make sense how you had it set up." Took the baby on a road trip to see a friend 4 hours away without asking. Judges everything I do as a mother and tells me why it's wrong. So frustrating.

The only way I have coped is by making dh handle all communication. I have not spoken to her in months and I can finally relax a little. It helps that she lives out of state.

I'm in the same boat as you, so no advice yet, just sympathy. At least it seems to be a common issue so it's not just us?

DH here. This was my life. My mom was the only thing DW and I fought about.

We went to therapy for a few months. It helped a lot.

our first baby, her first grand kid. She doesn't want boundaries, and takes even moderate line-drawing as personal insults. I need boundaries, am a private person, and need to feel like I have at least some control over my life. My family is totally different. There have been ridiculous dramatics that I won't go into, but she has been throwing fits over a number of what seem to me (and others) to be reasonable limits.

I just feel like she is inserting herself into my life and marriage unnecessarily at a pretty difficult time--new baby, new jobs, new house--and she is making things so much worse. My husband is guilt tripped beyond belief. I feel like I am walking on eggshells because he is so defensive of her.

No real questions, but words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me rant.