I can't even deal with having to visit one set of inlaws. I am so glad I don't have two sets.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. You may honestly be the most negative poster I have seen on DCUM, ever, OP! What on earth do you have to be so unhappy and ungenerous about?

I feel oddly honored. I have good reasons, but I'll spare you the negativity.

Anonymous wrote:Sit down now with DH and map out the year 2015. Figure out your budget and work schedules so you can both plan when you'll visit each family member (or invite them to visit). Once you've both agreed on the time/holiday that you'll visit (or host), then your husband is responsible for making the travel arrangements to his parents, and you're responsible for making the travel arrangements to your family.

That is what I want to do, but DH is not really into planning so I'm not sure it would do alot of good. I'd rather have my plans made so that when something comes up, we already know what we wanted to do.

Anonymous wrote:We struggle with this too. When the older generation is divorced and lives far away, there is simply not enough time for visits. Now that the kids are a little bigger, once a year I take them to my side of the family on my own, and DH takes them on his own to his side. The other parent gets a much-needed staycation at home. So for example, this year I am heading to my parents' on Dec. 21 for a nice long Christmas visit, DH will join us on the 24th-26th. That way you can satisfy the grandparents, yet also get a bit of a break.

That's an idea but my kids are too young to do this yet.

Anonymous wrote:It's ok to visit them less. Spending less time with their children and grandchildren is the choice that they made when they got divorced. You cannot wear yourself out trying to compensate for their choices.

Thank you. I feel like you understand.

We struggle with this too. When the older generation is divorced and lives far away, there is simply not enough time for visits. Now that the kids are a little bigger, once a year I take them to my side of the family on my own, and DH takes them on his own to his side. The other parent gets a much-needed staycation at home. So for example, this year I am heading to my parents' on Dec. 21 for a nice long Christmas visit, DH will join us on the 24th-26th. That way you can satisfy the grandparents, yet also get a bit of a break.

Wow. You may honestly be the most negative poster I have seen on DCUM, ever, OP! What on earth do you have to be so unhappy and ungenerous about?

It's ok to visit them less. Spending less time with their children and grandchildren is the choice that they made when they got divorced. You cannot wear yourself out trying to compensate for their choices.

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents are divorced and both remarried. One set of in laws lives in state, another moved out of state. My parents live on the other side of the country, but I wish they were closer. Let's just say my MIL is not my cup of tea and my step MIL, while pleasant, is a compulsive gifter so I don't like spending holidays with either set of ILs. I don't really like travelling with small kids to where my parents live because it takes like 12 hours to get there and doing it during the holidays and winter time is exhausting, not to mention the jet lag. I'd rather[b] see my family another time of year when the weather is better. I don't like travelling for Thanksgiving either since it's too crowded, and too short of a break. I don't like the climate most of the year where one set of in laws live. I know we need to visit our relatives, and I want to visit mine, but we don't even go on our own vacations because of being stuck in baby mode for the past several years. The kids are finally getting bigger to where travel would be easier. How do I break out of this stagnation and have a routine of visiting everyone on some sort of rotational basis without having to travel by plane too much? Frankly I'm tired of seeing the ILs since I don't see my own family often enough, but then my husband claims he wants to see his family even though his relationship with his mother is covertly hostile. I feel like because of his parents's divorce, there are just too many ILs to visit that I'm not that motivated to see. I feel guilty about it but on the other hand, blood is thicker than water. How much effort do I need to put into visiting the ILs? I haven't even seen my own sister in 2 years because she doesn't visit, so I don't feel my MIL has a right to complain too much that we haven't visited them since they moved out of state. I think part of the issue is I just feel weird being around divorced and remarried ILs since my own parents are not divorced.[b]

Very negative and all about you. You even refer to your children in the third person. The last part is telling. People divorce all the time and have no reflection on you, your spouse or your parents. I suggest you find a really good counselor to help you piece out what you can and cannot do and what you are willing to do and to set the boundaries you are able to do. You also need to talk with your spouse and figure out a game plan for the next few years.

Sit down now with DH and map out the year 2015. Figure out your budget and work schedules so you can both plan when you'll visit each family member (or invite them to visit). Once you've both agreed on the time/holiday that you'll visit (or host), then your husband is responsible for making the travel arrangements to his parents, and you're responsible for making the travel arrangements to your family.

You don't like a lot of things, OP.

I don't understand your discomfort with divorced in-laws, blood is thicker than water, etc. Presumably you are at all times visiting either your DH's mom OR dad, right? Honestly, you sound small-minded and kind of mean. Divorce is not easy for anyone involved, but you are the very last person who shoukd be giving your DH grief about this. You knew who his family was when you married him. Your situation is hardly unusual. My kids have four sets of grandparents, none of whom live near us or one another, and we manage to maintain good relationships with and see all of them. Mostly they visit us, since we have small kids, but we visit them too. Yeah, we don't get a lot of "vacation" vacations but that's life. It's worth it to have strong family relationships for our kids and ourselves. If you don't care about that, that's your choice, but you'd better make sure your DH is on the same page.

If you reread your post, OP, just about every sentence is an "I don't like," "I don't want to," or an excuse of some kind. I'm sure you're a lovely person in real life, but be aware that you come across as rigid and selfish. Be very careful or you might show that self to your DH a few too many times, and then your in-law problem will be solved bc you won't have any.

OP again. I do invite my sister and she just thinks she doesn't have to visit because in the past we have gone out there since she lives near my parents. My parents come out here once a year. The in-state ILs were coming like once a month, now maybe once every few months. The out of state ILs came like a year and a half after they moved, but then seemed miffed we hadn't visited them. If it were up to me, I'd probably visit my family once a year at least, and if my parents and sister each visited once a year here, I'd be pretty content with that since I'd be seeing my own family 3x a year. As it is now, I only see my parents about once every 8 months to a year when they come here. I wouldn't mind seeing the in state ILs 1x a year, and the out of state ILs once every 3-4 years. Is it up to my husband to plan visiting his own family? He's not a planner and doesn't bring it up, but blames me for us not seeing his family. He thinks him mentioning it once means I should just hop on a plane at the drop of a hat, when I need more notice and to be involved in the planning. Also he wants us to just join in his mother's plans, instead of us making our own plans.

You need to invite people to visit you.

Also, things don't need to be equal. Visit with the people you have the most pleasant time with. My father lives an hour and a half by plane in the same state as us. My in-laws live five hours by plane across the country. I see them every other month, and my father about every two YEARS.

My husband's parents are divorced and both remarried. One set of in laws lives in state, another moved out of state. My parents live on the other side of the country, but I wish they were closer. Let's just say my MIL is not my cup of tea and my step MIL, while pleasant, is a compulsive gifter so I don't like spending holidays with either set of ILs. I don't really like travelling with small kids to where my parents live because it takes like 12 hours to get there and doing it during the holidays and winter time is exhausting, not to mention the jet lag. I'd rather see my family another time of year when the weather is better. I don't like travelling for Thanksgiving either since it's too crowded, and too short of a break. I don't like the climate most of the year where one set of in laws live. I know we need to visit our relatives, and I want to visit mine, but we don't even go on our own vacations because of being stuck in baby mode for the past several years. The kids are finally getting bigger to where travel would be easier. How do I break out of this stagnation and have a routine of visiting everyone on some sort of rotational basis without having to travel by plane too much? Frankly I'm tired of seeing the ILs since I don't see my own family often enough, but then my husband claims he wants to see his family even though his relationship with his mother is covertly hostile. I feel like because of his parents's divorce, there are just too many ILs to visit that I'm not that motivated to see. I feel guilty about it but on the other hand, blood is thicker than water. How much effort do I need to put into visiting the ILs? I haven't even seen my own sister in 2 years because she doesn't visit, so I don't feel my MIL has a right to complain too much that we haven't visited them since they moved out of state. I think part of the issue is I just feel weird being around divorced and remarried ILs since my own parents are not divorced.