My mom is kind of like this. My dad used to travel overseas for like a month at a time, and my mom would go stir crazy and start some home redecorating project to keep herself occupied, which was less about redecorating and more about her anxiety. You have to realize that people that age are of the generation that therapy means they are crazy and there is a stigma attached. So I doubt she'll want to seek therapy, especially alone! The poor lady, I can imagine her fears. I'm sure she's difficult to be around, but I promise you she's not trying to annoy you on purpose. Maybe you could suggest she go along with her husband on the trips? Or help her find something constructive to do. She might be having a panic attack or something. Imagine how lost she'd feel if you turn her away when who else does she have? Not trying to guilt trip you, but it sounds like she needs you guys. I'm sure she's codependent and she needs to learn to take care of herself but your kids are not going to catch what she has. Try to learn techniques to help calm her down, keep her busy, and ask her to not talk about her fears so much in front of the kids. Reassure her she'll be okay. Is she able to keep in contact with her husband while he is gone? Also, I bet her sense of self is not good. When he leaves, her sense of self ceases to exist because it's tied up in what she can do for him. She needs to be around others to feel okay. Maybe she could volunteer somewhere as a good way to keep that sense of self by helping others.

To be realistic, OP, she won't get any better, even with therapy, unless she were willing to take meds, which might provoke undesirable side-effects.
So if your DH suggests therapy and meds, and she refuses, what are you going to do?

It's not pleasant for your family, we all agree. But what's the alternative?

Anonymous wrote:Op, most of us have out of town inlaws we must host, warts and all. This may not be the best place for sympathy.

Yeah, but then we don't see them. If OP's MIL is local, I bet there are regular visits, and this week of visiting while exhibiting annoying traits of unacknowledged and untreated mental illness is a bit much. I would say that due to the behavior even if she was long distance.

Anonymous wrote:OP back. While there's nothing inherently wrong with having my MIL visit, she brings her paranoia with her - talks non stop about how fearful she is to be alone, wants certain lights left on at night in our house, wants to be busy and never alone at our house, even during the day. My young kids have to hear her talk about her phobia of being alone and their not too far from the monsters under the bed stage themselves.

I feel like we are coddling her and ignoring that she has a severe anxiety problem. She's not coming just for fun - it's a ton of work and just so weird.

Send me your addresses - I'll send her your way.

I honestly wish you get a phobia, so you can eat your "coddling" comment. I cannot stand that word. She has got an illness. Be compassionate. But if you could be, you'd never have used the word "coddling".

Op, most of us have out of town inlaws we must host, warts and all. This may not be the best place for sympathy.

Has she always been like this? DH needs to have a conversation with his dad and siblings and get grandma some help. I could kind of understand this if she was fearful overnight, but ALL day? Not normal.

Anonymous wrote:OP back. While there's nothing inherently wrong with having my MIL visit, she brings her paranoia with her - talks non stop about how fearful she is to be alone, wants certain lights left on at night in our house, wants to be busy and never alone at our house, even during the day. My young kids have to hear her talk about her phobia of being alone and their not too far from the monsters under the bed stage themselves.

I feel like we are coddling her and ignoring that she has a severe anxiety problem. She's not coming just for fun - it's a ton of work and just so weird.

Send me your addresses - I'll send her your way.

No need to be touchy - you could've included that information in the initial post...

OP back. While there's nothing inherently wrong with having my MIL visit, she brings her paranoia with her - talks non stop about how fearful she is to be alone, wants certain lights left on at night in our house, wants to be busy and never alone at our house, even during the day. My young kids have to hear her talk about her phobia of being alone and their not too far from the monsters under the bed stage themselves.

I feel like we are coddling her and ignoring that she has a severe anxiety problem. She's not coming just for fun - it's a ton of work and just so weird.

Send me your addresses - I'll send her your way.

Yeah, what is so bad about a MIL visit once a year?

You can't let your MIL visit for a few days a year? This seems like a battle that isn't worth fighting.

Could you help her pay for an alarm system for their house? Promise to call and check in every day? What is she afraid of?

Why are you so against having her stay with you?

Then it's tough cookies.

Anonymous wrote:You are right. She needs cognitive behavior therapy from a clinical psychologist.

You understand, though, that she won't go?
And if you are the one to suggest therapy you'll be the b!tch DIL.

You are right. She needs cognitive behavior therapy from a clinical psychologist.

Need to vent. Never heard of anyone else in this situation. My ILs have been married 45 years. They live nearby. Both retired (young) and are active and both in good physical health. They are codependent. FIL takes a special cross country trip with college friends maybe once a year, leaving MIL at home, alone. FIL also tends to an ailing sibling a few times a year and prefers to travel and visit solo.

My MIL can't stay at her house alone, at all, without her DH. She becomes phobic and unhinged. So, a few times a year, she frantically lines up local family members and demands that either they stay with her or she's coming there. We've hosted her three times in as many years and I told my DH that we'll never, ever do this again. We haven't been asked, but likely soon will. I feel like we're indulging her fears and enabling her, rather than seeking some better solutions. I also worry that as time marches on, she'll be worse, especially if FIL has a health problem or worse. My take is she needs therapy, not more coddling.