Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 21:32     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I"m sorry, OP. I say, "My mother has the relationship with me that she chose" or "I envy those with good relationships with their mom" or "We've tried but this is where we are." Maybe it's that you're talking to someone close to you who wants to help solve what they see as a problem? So for me, I close that door (my relationship w my mom is not a problem) and then steer the conversation away. I follow with, "How's your mom?" or "My daughter and I ..." or "My kids and I ..." to move towards talking about good relationships.


OP here, I like that response. Thank you. And I agree with the PP who gets mad when people call her heartless. The people who say that to me have amazing mothers who are "normal". If you didn't live it there is just no way to understand it. I don't feel guilty. Thanks all I do envy people with great mothers, it makes me jealous and sometimes I cry just thinking about it.


PP, I'm so sorry. I cry over this loss as well. I want to find a way to make peace with it but haven't yet.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 17:36     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Why? Everyone asks like I'm crazy for not wanting to have anything to do with my mother and I just feel like people with "normal" mothers will never understand. Does it make you upset when people badger you about it?

My mother has bipolar and borderline personality disorder. She ruined my childhood, teen and young adult years. I was afraid of her. She said horrible things to me and was emotionally abusive. I have so much anger toward her that was repressed for so long that it's bit even worth it to me to tell her why. I have my own children now and last year I decided to completely cut her off.

I hear the same things all the time: " how can you not speak to your mom at all?", "don't you feel sad that she's not in your life?" " no matter what she did, she is still your mother." " she deserves to know her grandchildren" etc etc...

Does anyone else get this when they tell people that you don't have a relationship?


Same situation for me, but I cut her off seven years ago. No one has badgered me. If a conversation comes up that involves my mother, I shut it down by saying, "I don't have a relationship with her, she's severely mentally ill." The response is generally, "I'm sorry."


You're lucky. Co-workers and family who are aware of the situation have all said "But she's your mother!"

Yes. She's my mother. She is also suffering from a serious personality disorder, has committed numerous felonies throughout her life, and is an addict/alcoholic. She has victimized me multiple times in the commission of those felonies. I retained a relationship with her until she abused my oldest child.

I just avoid the topic.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 17:33     Subject: Re:If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
I just don't talk about my relationship with my mother. At all. Ever.

That way I don't have to listen to judgments of people who have no idea how bad it can get with a parent.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 17:31     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
Anonymous wrote:
Why? Everyone asks like I'm crazy for not wanting to have anything to do with my mother and I just feel like people with "normal" mothers will never understand. Does it make you upset when people badger you about it?

My mother has bipolar and borderline personality disorder. She ruined my childhood, teen and young adult years. I was afraid of her. She said horrible things to me and was emotionally abusive. I have so much anger toward her that was repressed for so long that it's bit even worth it to me to tell her why. I have my own children now and last year I decided to completely cut her off.

I hear the same things all the time: " how can you not speak to your mom at all?", "don't you feel sad that she's not in your life?" " no matter what she did, she is still your mother." " she deserves to know her grandchildren" etc etc...

Does anyone else get this when they tell people that you don't have a relationship?


Same situation for me, but I cut her off seven years ago. No one has badgered me. If a conversation comes up that involves my mother, I shut it down by saying, "I don't have a relationship with her, she's severely mentally ill." The response is generally, "I'm sorry."
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 17:01     Subject: Re:If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
My mom is a borderline and I gave her a choice of having a relationship based on respect for me and my family and the decisions we make, or no relationship. She didn't have to like everything we did, she just had to respect I am an adult and have the right to make my own decisions. If she couldn't do that, then there was no room for us to have a relationship. I don't have relationships with people who don't respect me. She chose estrangement. I tell people I am estranged from my mom and rarely do I get push back from strangers or anyone for that matter.

I'm sure my mom walks around telling people I pushed her out of my life, which in her mind I did, but I have emails to prove otherwise
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 14:44     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
Wtf. You need new friends. None badgers me about it at all. I don't know why people feel the need to tell others what to do in very personal areas. FWIw, I have a kid. Sadly, my mother ignores her - it's not that I've cut that off - she cut us both off.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 09:28     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
Anonymous wrote:I"m sorry, OP. I say, "My mother has the relationship with me that she chose" or "I envy those with good relationships with their mom" or "We've tried but this is where we are." Maybe it's that you're talking to someone close to you who wants to help solve what they see as a problem? So for me, I close that door (my relationship w my mom is not a problem) and then steer the conversation away. I follow with, "How's your mom?" or "My daughter and I ..." or "My kids and I ..." to move towards talking about good relationships.


OP here, I like that response. Thank you. And I agree with the PP who gets mad when people call her heartless. The people who say that to me have amazing mothers who are "normal". If you didn't live it there is just no way to understand it. I don't feel guilty. Thanks all I do envy people with great mothers, it makes me jealous and sometimes I cry just thinking about it.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 08:41     Subject: Re:If you don't have a relationship with your mother...

Most people won't get it. They will typically project their good relationships with their own moms. The best thing to do is to not emphasize your estrangement.

Instead, act like you do have a minimal relationship with her. In other words, when others are making a big deal about holiday celebrations, etc. that would include their moms, try not to bring up your own estrangement and refocus the attention on them (which is what most people want anyway).

When people pry, tell them that your mom travels a lot or is out of the country, for example. Save yourself from giving details about the real reason since it's nobody's business anyway.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 08:04     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
Anonymous wrote:Yes, people think I'm heartless. I get the "but you know she's sick and can't help it" a lot followed by accusations that I don't understand mental illness. I figure those people don't understand a lifetime filled with abuse, lies and manipulation.


I have a VERY borderline sister and the heartless thing makes me mad. People who haven't experienced dealing with such a family member just have no idea how bad it can be. Yes, my sibling may do horrible things due to a mental illness, but she either won't or can't control it and I don't understand why people think I should want to hang out with her when she is extremely mean and occasionally violent.

I feel for you, OP. My sister has a child who I hope can decide later that she is not responsible for my sister. My sister doesn't have custody for obvious reasons so at least my niece isn't subjected to the situation on a daily basis.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 07:39     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
Yes, people think I'm heartless. I get the "but you know she's sick and can't help it" a lot followed by accusations that I don't understand mental illness. I figure those people don't understand a lifetime filled with abuse, lies and manipulation.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 07:28     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
I"m sorry, OP. I say, "My mother has the relationship with me that she chose" or "I envy those with good relationships with their mom" or "We've tried but this is where we are." Maybe it's that you're talking to someone close to you who wants to help solve what they see as a problem? So for me, I close that door (my relationship w my mom is not a problem) and then steer the conversation away. I follow with, "How's your mom?" or "My daughter and I ..." or "My kids and I ..." to move towards talking about good relationships.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2014 00:52     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
Anonymous wrote:I don't have a relationship with her because she chose her third husband who was molesting me, over me. I kept telling her and telling her and she kept ignoring me. So my boyfriend at the time helped me track down my father who I hadn't seen in 8 years and he flew to the city I lived in and I told him.

I don't tell people all that. When I get comments or questions I just say "I don't talk about the details." and then turn it back to them.


I am very sorry to hear this PP. I hope you are doing well.
Anonymous
Post 10/30/2014 23:38     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
I don't have a relationship with her because she chose her third husband who was molesting me, over me. I kept telling her and telling her and she kept ignoring me. So my boyfriend at the time helped me track down my father who I hadn't seen in 8 years and he flew to the city I lived in and I told him.

I don't tell people all that. When I get comments or questions I just say "I don't talk about the details." and then turn it back to them.
Anonymous
Post 10/30/2014 22:50     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...
My mother is borderline and she is the worst person in my life. I have not cut her out but I've been close many times. I'm sure if I did, I would get these questions.

Everyone has opinions. Many people are know-it-alls. Few people actually matter.

Do what YOU need to do. And especially do what your children need you to do.
Anonymous
Post 10/30/2014 22:29     Subject: If you don't have a relationship with your mother...

Why? Everyone asks like I'm crazy for not wanting to have anything to do with my mother and I just feel like people with "normal" mothers will never understand. Does it make you upset when people badger you about it?

My mother has bipolar and borderline personality disorder. She ruined my childhood, teen and young adult years. I was afraid of her. She said horrible things to me and was emotionally abusive. I have so much anger toward her that was repressed for so long that it's bit even worth it to me to tell her why. I have my own children now and last year I decided to completely cut her off.

I hear the same things all the time: " how can you not speak to your mom at all?", "don't you feel sad that she's not in your life?" " no matter what she did, she is still your mother." " she deserves to know her grandchildren" etc etc...

Does anyone else get this when they tell people that you don't have a relationship?