Anonymous wrote:thanks guys.

OP here; I think that's what it's all about: the comfort of knowing i could meet him. My husband basically argued that I would regret meeting him. He said, as great and law-abiding as I am, I might internalize some of his bad-ness. I think DH was worried that this man might have a manipulative personality and I don't respond well to those.

I also decided to request his death certificate to see if he died of something I should know about like cancer. He died so young 63 and I'd argue that by the looks of the mug-shots, had a quick decline.

People aren't infections. Your biodad isn't going to rub off on you and taint you. Your husband is responding emotionally and superstitiously.

I am sorry for your loss. If you know any of his family, you could ask to meet some of them, instead of him. That might give you the information that you want.

OP you probably didn't miss out on anything. A lot of folks meet their troubled bio parents only to be sorely disappointed. I hope you find peace with this.

You have to go through a grieving process of not only that he died, but that you didn't meet him, and that he wasn't the ideal father. You might have been freaked out after meeting him, and you had good reasons not to. It will always be a mystery so I'm not sure how you could get closure except as time goes on. I wonder if you have any rights to his medical records? I don't know anything about that but it might fill in some answers about his health history.

This is pretty huge, OP. Everything. Have you ever been in therapy? If not, it might be worth exploring. Not sure your DH can help you process something like this.

Does he have a sibling you could talk to and find out more about him?

While the circumstances were different, we had a complex and messy meet/don't meet situation in our family as well. Like you, it was put off for another time and then it was too late. It was really hard reconciling that, but as the onlooker, there was also an element of relief that it was (1) no longer an issue and, (2) not possible for this person to hurt anyone else -- in any way.

It was an awful situation all around, as it sounds like yours is, OP. I'm sorry.

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry for you too, OP, but take comfort in knowing that despite who your biofather was, you have grown to become a much better person. My gut tells me that you would have ultimately regretted your decision to meet him - he does not sound like the kind of person worth of your time.

I, too, truly feel for you OP but as a guy near his age I agree you were probably better off not meeting him. God bless.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. have you considered talking to someone to process all of this?

I"m going to talk to my DH when he gets here. He happened to be away when I found out. I am also going to talk to my oldest cousin b/c she is a bit like a mother-figure to me and very knowledgeable about what goes on in our hometown. If she doesn't know what killed him, she'll probably find out in a few days.

and my aunt knows his victims. She drove their schoolbus.

I'm sorry, OP. have you considered talking to someone to process all of this?

thanks guys.

OP here; I think that's what it's all about: the comfort of knowing i could meet him. My husband basically argued that I would regret meeting him. He said, as great and law-abiding as I am, I might internalize some of his bad-ness. I think DH was worried that this man might have a manipulative personality and I don't respond well to those.

I also decided to request his death certificate to see if he died of something I should know about like cancer. He died so young 63 and I'd argue that by the looks of the mug-shots, had a quick decline.

I am sorry for you too, OP, but take comfort in knowing that despite who your biofather was, you have grown to become a much better person. My gut tells me that you would have ultimately regretted your decision to meet him - he does not sound like the kind of person worth of your time.

It must have been comforting to know in the back of your mind that you could change your mind about wanting to meet him. I can understand wanting to have that meeting - just to SEE - even knowing that he's not a good guy. Even if you had the opportunity to do so, you would probably still have questions or unease after his death. It's such a complicated situation. I'm sorry you didn't get your chance to see him; I hope you find peace.

I have always known my biofather's name and that I could meet him if I chose to do so. When I was 15 he asked to meet me but I wasn't ready. When I was 18 I learned that he was convicted of a sex crime. He raped two minor nieces, both with intellectual impairments. Obviously he's not a good guy so I choose not to meet him.

However, I wanted to meet him for a few reasons:
1. A friend of mine met him and said we looked a like and had similar mannerisms. I don't look like my mom at all so that intrigued me.
2. My family always said that he was "really intelligent" like it was a bad thing. My mom is not and I was always interested in seeing if he was actually smart. (I perused higher ed.)
3. Family health history. I knew he his family had many people with intellectual impairments and thyroid issues i and was curious about that (got genetic testing instead; I don't carry anything heritable) and my thyroid doesn't act right so I get it checked a lot.
4. Just curious to meet him; even if he's a bad guy.

Since he's a registered sex offender, I view his mug-shot every 6 months or so. Last time I looked, he looked bad (and he's only 63). The next time I looked, it was the same shot which I thought odd given that mug shots are supposed to be updated every 6months. a few weeks ago I told my husband that I wanted to meet my biofather and he tried to talk me out of it for obvious reasons. I again went to the web to see his mugshot and to see how far his workplace is from my hometown and again, noticed it was the same. then i searched his name and obit. He's dead.

I regret not meeting him and feel this weird feeling that I can't name. I"m not asking for advice it's just that I need to process this, I think and other than to my husband, who is out of town right now, I don't talk about this.