Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety is corrosive to relationships because it's not rational so there's no talking them out of it.

This is good. My mother is also very anxious, although not from the news or the internet. In my view, she can barely function. She mostly stays at home. She doesn't go to get gas, or go to the ATM or run any of the errands that most people take for granted. She doesn't call to order food or call to have a repair done. I could go on and on. I've lived in DC for 15 years, and she finally just came for a visit. It was a huge step. All the little steps (e.g., navigating the garage at the hotel) are exhausting just to hear about, let alone to live. Like a PP said, the level of anxiety and negativity (THIS could go wrong! and THAT could go wrong!) is very draining. Our contact is usually limited to short, monthly calls.

OP here. Anxiety is a bigger issue for my mom than I realized. Interesting, because she always talks about how ideal, convenient and safe their neighborhood is but she spends most of her time at home. She's too insecure to sit in Starbucks alone. The most she'll do is go shopping but these days, my father has to go with her.

I'm the PP you quoted. Same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety is corrosive to relationships because it's not rational so there's no talking them out of it.

This is good. My mother is also very anxious, although not from the news or the internet. In my view, she can barely function. She mostly stays at home. She doesn't go to get gas, or go to the ATM or run any of the errands that most people take for granted. She doesn't call to order food or call to have a repair done. I could go on and on. I've lived in DC for 15 years, and she finally just came for a visit. It was a huge step. All the little steps (e.g., navigating the garage at the hotel) are exhausting just to hear about, let alone to live. Like a PP said, the level of anxiety and negativity (THIS could go wrong! and THAT could go wrong!) is very draining. Our contact is usually limited to short, monthly calls.

OP here. Anxiety is a bigger issue for my mom than I realized. Interesting, because she always talks about how ideal, convenient and safe their neighborhood is but she spends most of her time at home. She's too insecure to sit in Starbucks alone. The most she'll do is go shopping but these days, my father has to go with her.

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety is corrosive to relationships because it's not rational so there's no talking them out of it.

This is good. My mother is also very anxious, although not from the news or the internet. In my view, she can barely function. She mostly stays at home. She doesn't go to get gas, or go to the ATM or run any of the errands that most people take for granted. She doesn't call to order food or call to have a repair done. I could go on and on. I've lived in DC for 15 years, and she finally just came for a visit. It was a huge step. All the little steps (e.g., navigating the garage at the hotel) are exhausting just to hear about, let alone to live. Like a PP said, the level of anxiety and negativity (THIS could go wrong! and THAT could go wrong!) is very draining. Our contact is usually limited to short, monthly calls.

I love my mom and I also enjoy being around her and have fun hanging out with her. Yes, I would want to be friends with her if she weren't my mom. She was a strong, stable parent who loved me, supported me, and let me know how much she liked me as I grew up. We have always enjoyed spending time together because of that. She was always interested in me, and still is, so I always wanted to share things with her.

I like my mom. When I was a kid, she did not try to be my friend--she was clear that her job was to be my mom, and that would involve doing or making me do things that I didn't like. But she was a great mom, and I always felt safe. She never dumped her personal problems on me--it was clear that she was the adult and I was the child, not her peer. She worked really hard to help me become an independent adult. At the same time, she was very affectionate and involved in my activities (helped run my Girl Scout troop), and was always game for something fun.

As adults, we have a good relationship. She's warm, funny, has lots of common sense, and is interested in people. She's very blunt and no-nonsense, but a good friend--she has many friends her own age and even decades younger because she's fun to hang out with and you can count on her. She adores her grandchild. She's reasonable about the compromises that I have to make with my in-laws (even if she's not happy that we alternate holidays, she understands it and doesn't give me a hard time). She gives good advice about life.

My mother is one of my best friends, and has been for quite some time.

The moment where I really realized what a great person she is came when I was doing some temp-work in her office one summer when I was home from college. So many of her co-workers came to me with stories of how she'd helped/supported/encouraged them and just how great she is in general. At that point I'd long known that my mother was very kind and supportive (she bent over backwards to help me through school), but I had assumed that her kindness and generosity were benefits I reaped by nature of being her daughter. Hearing that she treated her coworkers with the same kindness was really inspiring to me.

Anxiety isn't really her fault, and I'm sure it causes her pain too.

My mom is kind of similar in some ways, and I've noticed a lot of change and see a lot more now that I am a grown up.

We live close and though I am sometimes anxious to be around her, I would say we have a good, close relationship. There can be tension, but we do not fight. My children ADORE her and vice versa.

I try to limit my gripes to my husband to condensed, intense venting sessions. I try to do things with her that are fun like lunch or shopping (this is her world, so I just do it). I try to call and email, and I redirect when things get weird. Don't know that I have advice for you, but I do try to meet her on her terms, because she has some terms that are pretty neutral or pleasant.

I do now, but I didn't as a younger person. Mostly this is because I have let go of a lot of things I can't change, and recognized my mother as a product of her environment. I do love her, and I like her as a person.

My Mother is someone I like as a person now even though we butted heads when I was a young adult. I forsee she will have memory issues, but anticipate that she will be manageable as she ages.

My mother and I have a very healthy and stable relationship, and she is someone who I like as a person. I think a large part of it is her personality. My mother had a degenerative muscular disease but has always had such an optimistic approach to life that I've always admired. She's quiet spoken but has a lot of wisdom behind her words. She's someone who I can still rely on even as she's learning to rely on me. We've gone on vacations together, get together for coffee, and even have several mutual friends. There are things she does that drive me crazy but, I think you find that in any relationship.

Anxiety is corrosive to relationships because it's not rational so there's no talking them out of it.

I think I have a healthy relationship with my mother that has grown stronger since I became a mother, but I don't know that she is someone I would hang out with if she wasn't my mom. She is wonderful and was such a good mom to us growing up as kids, but she is also a lot to deal with! She clearly has ADD and is on the go all the time. I mean when she comes to visit I have to plan a list of tasks because she will have done more before 9 am than I normally accomplish in an entire weekend and will be bored / antsy (and highly annoying). She is simultaneously very self-absorbed and not at all self-aware, which is an interesting combo. She talks to everyone, everywhere, all the time. She gets bored with just me/DH/DD and wants us to invite friends, neighbors, anyone really over. She acts at least 20 years younger than her actual age. When she leaves we all need a nap. But, we love her - crazy quirks and all. Do I wish she was the kind of mom that I could call and ask for advice without her either getting distracted or turning it into something about her? Yes. But she isn't, and I have to accept that. I don't think you have to be BFFs with your mom to have a normal, healthy relationship, but if that's what you're hoping for, you might be setting the bar too high. Try to accept your mom for who she is and find some common ground. Once you do, try to focus your interactions on that commonality as much as possible. Maybe you'll start to feel more bonded to her and it will be easier to handle some of her crazy sh*t.

Interesting. I try with my mom, but she is not one who can easily connect. She put all of her hopes and dreams into one child that completely let her down, in every way. She blames my deceased father for not being able to give that child more. She has let down her other children completely. All the while, we/I are/am left picking up the pieces. Why? I don't know any more than you. We are both waiting for something that will never happen.

I want my mom to visit; but she can be so jealous and bitter and ugly about things. When she leaves, it is as if the house needs an exorcism.

I just wanted to tell you that mothers can be very complicated. Sometimes, we let them know they are complicated (for our own sanity!), and that only makes it worse. You are not alone.

Got some of your same issues w/my mother, who unfortunately now has Alzheimer's so any chance of a real relationship has been lost. (She's 82). i don't know what the answer is but despite years of therapy I haven't been able to come to terms with our relationship even before the dementia took hold. I hope you find peace.

How would you describe your relationship? Do you like your mother as a person? Is she someone you'd want to meet for coffee regardless of blood relationship?

At nearly 40 years old, I've finally realized that my mother is a very difficult person and that as she ages, she's only going to get more difficult. She retired last year and does very little with her time other than claiming that she has a lot to clean (she can afford two housekeepers for a full day if needed) while spending her day on the internet. I know this because she's always emailing me news articles or other declarations about the state of the world or why I should follow her unsolicited advice on something. She's even convinced my father to cancel travel plans because they're scared of everything from ebola to ISIS to Putin.

Recently, I tried to see the world from her perspective and put myself in her shoes. I've read more articles about all the bad stuff going on, saw her take on things, and realized how all encompassing the news and anxiety it can create can be. All I could think was, jeez, how can someone live this way... I just wanted to let it go. Yes, there's stuff out there we have to be aware of, but what can you do other than keep living the best life you can.

I know, I know there are people who will say things like you'll be sorry when she's gone, and I know, on some level I will, but what can I do? I don't want a your mother is her, my mother discussion. Anxiety is poisonous. I have no desire to absorb and promote her anxieties by enabling this behavior and becoming codependent. Many people excuse the elderly because they're elderly, but my god, to put up with this for decades? No, no, no. I cut conversations short because after each call with her I feel anxious myself, exhausted and at times, disappointed in her fears and refusal to live a fuller life as a healthy woman of means. She had such high demands on me as a child and teenager; if only she had the same for herself at 62. More disturbing, she's developed a Catholic superiority complex, insisting that no other religion is as giving or as wonderful (never mind that DH isn't Catholic). She's so taken with the Catholic church, yet, with all of her spare time, she doesn't volunteer at least a few hours a week to help those less fortunate-- at an old age home, at a school, even teaching religion to kids. Nothing.

Anyway, yeah, I'd like to have a normal relationship with her, but I feel like it's becoming close to impossible. I don't even know what a normal relationship with her would be at this point. Just being able to talk once a week about benign things without her criticizing? FWIW, my other siblings have tried to guide her to anxiety therapy, but for her it's everyone else, NOT her.

I'm at a loss. Is this going to be it?