Anonymous wrote:Why shouldn't a woman show interest in the man she likes? In any case I have found that I need to be forward and bold in my romantic interests or else men just don't really notice me, so I flirt heavily, have invited him out for drinks, etc. I can't tell how interested he is however.

And I'm not "small" for seeing her as a rival, thank you very much. I'm just insecure, which I already said. Being insecure doesn't make me "small", and I even said in my OP that I'd have been friends with her in any other situation. I'm not a villain here.

And it sounds like it was a mutual break up or she left him because she found someone else. So I don't know if he's completely over her or not.

It's fine for a woman to show interest in the man she likes. But there's a difference between showing interest and "wooing" or "pursuing" someone. (And this goes for men, too.) If you've shown that you are interested in someone -- flirted, asked them out for drinks or a date -- and they haven't responded in kind, then you need to move on. If a guy flirts heavily with you and asks you out for drinks, and you still don't show any interest in him, I'd give him the same advice: Move on.

I really do think that if you have definitely made it clear you are interested and you still "can't tell" that the other person feels the same, it's likely he/she does not and is just being polite (or maybe just wants to be friends). But "wooing" or heavily pursuing (to the point that you see other people as "rivals") comes across as desperate -- whether it's a man or a woman who is doing it.

No one is saying you are a villain. But you do seem sort of naive.

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that it sounds weird that you are pursuing him. A guy friend once told me that if a woman has to pursue a man, then the man isn't really into her. I actually think that applies to men, too (that if a man has to pursue a woman, she probably isn't really into him and maybe ends up dating him until someone else comes along). Don't be a consolation prize. If you have been around this guy for a while and he's given no subtle clues that he is interested in you, then you need to move on.

THIS. THIS. THIS.

Move on and start focusing on your own life.

Stop, for the love of god, thinking of the "rival" (so sad you see her that way -- She sounds like someone Id like to friend!). Makes you look so small to see the world this way.

Therapy. Find the joy in your own life!!!

And the flip side. I'm a guy who has been happily married for 12 years and 2 children. I had a six year relationship that didn't work out and decided to spend some time by myself and on myself. Five years later, I was still in that mode when I decided to take up an activity I hadn't done since college (about 14 years). I came in and because there were relatively few single eligible straight bachelors in this activity, my now-wife spotted me and decided to swoop in, as it were. She spent a couple of months at our mutual activity, making herself available and getting to know me when I asked her on a date. And a month later, we were dating and exclusive. 2.5 years later, married and happy.

I have to say that at the point my wife took interest, I was not looking for love/companionship (or at least not anything long-term) and so I wasn't really looking at women as potential mates, just enjoying their company. She changed that and I am forever grateful because we have been very good for each other over the years.

So, OP, it's great that you know what you want. Stop worrying about his ex-, there's a reason that she's an ex-. Yes, she dumped him, but you don't know if he lost interest and she was the one who acted on the withering relationship. What's important is if he is interested in you, not what he might have dated before. Many of us have dated the wrong type before we find the right type for us. I, for one, am not interested in the girl that everyone supposedly wants. That type is often too high maintenance in one or more ways and so usually not for me. So, stop worrying about what you aren't, but worry about if you and he make a good match and then ask him out for a cup of coffee to explore that topic.

Good luck.

Why shouldn't a woman show interest in the man she likes? In any case I have found that I need to be forward and bold in my romantic interests or else men just don't really notice me, so I flirt heavily, have invited him out for drinks, etc. I can't tell how interested he is however.

And I'm not "small" for seeing her as a rival, thank you very much. I'm just insecure, which I already said. Being insecure doesn't make me "small", and I even said in my OP that I'd have been friends with her in any other situation. I'm not a villain here.

And it sounds like it was a mutual break up or she left him because she found someone else. So I don't know if he's completely over her or not.

OP, she's not your rival. She's the ex of the guy you like. Who cares if she's awesome? They might not have had much in common, or he might not have thought she was as awesome as you clearly do.

The thing that concerns me more is that you are wooing him. I'm not the most traditional woman (I'm a single mom who owns my own home and makes my own $) but I do think that if the guy isn't pursuing you, there's a reason. He may just not be that interested.

Anonymous wrote:How do you know so much about her?

And thanks for posting it here

I have to say that it sounds weird that you are pursuing him. A guy friend once told me that if a woman has to pursue a man, then the man isn't really into her. I actually think that applies to men, too (that if a man has to pursue a woman, she probably isn't really into him and maybe ends up dating him until someone else comes along). Don't be a consolation prize. If you have been around this guy for a while and he's given no subtle clues that he is interested in you, then you need to move on.

THIS. THIS. THIS.

Move on and start focusing on your own life.

Stop, for the love of god, thinking of the "rival" (so sad you see her that way -- She sounds like someone Id like to friend!). Makes you look so small to see the world this way.

Therapy. Find the joy in your own life!!!

At your age, I had a romantic rival I thought was perfect (by 1990s standards). The guy stalled on marrying her and I was just one of his many distractions. By the time he decided she was the one, no one -including her- wanted him anymore. Lesson: perfect doesn't guarantee happiness.

Well OP, why not show us a list of YOUR attributes and let us see what YOU have to offer. Let us compare the lists and then let us decide who is the fairest of them all.

Because honestly, I am quite sure that if you put together your own list of your own attributes, I bet that you will have just as many positive things on it that will possibly be intimidating to any of us.

Anonymous wrote:Just started trying to woo an incredibly awesome man in my social circle, and then encountered his most recent ex-girlfriend at a party. I am completely intimidated, she is the kind of girl who would be the protagonist in a YA novel. We are all in our late twenties.

Let's go through her insane list of attributes:

- amazing body, very physically fit
- all natural beauty (relaxed and lovely and natural, not high maintenance or fake)
- incredibly nice person
- witty
- as well-read as I am or even better-read
- went to HYP
- very good job
- very cultured
- amazing amateur pastry chef and cook
- has a microbrewery in her home
- very good flirt
- very socially popular
- comes from a rich family
- has an adorable and enviable life, as shown by her Instagram
- life of the party
- someone any girl (including me if I wasn't so jealous) would want to be friends with, and any man would want to date : /

I have spent Sunday eating cake, drinking wine and being disheartened. I don't have a chance with the object of my affection. I found out the only reason they broke up was because she found someone else.

Those are the two reasons my husband would probably be completely irritated by this woman. He hates people who post their lives on instagram -- moreso if they're "adorable." And he usually likes the cynic more than the life of the party.

What's my point? Well, my point is eventually you'll find a guy who likes you for you, and likely, it will be the things you think make you imperfect that attracts him to you. When I was in high school, I thought guys liked the perfect, popular girls. But when I was older and had more dating experience under my belt, I realized that there are lots of different kind of guys out there. And not all of them like the picture-perfect, enviable girls. In fact, a lot of them are attracted to certain quirks or flaws or things that make someone imperfectly original.

Mark Twain or Roosevelt or someone said "Comparison is the death of joy." And that statement is true. Stop comparing yourself to this woman. Maybe the object of your affection will like something about you that you think makes you imperfect. Or maybe the "object of your affection" isn't right for you.

I have to say that it sounds weird that you are pursuing him. A guy friend once told me that if a woman has to pursue a man, then the man isn't really into her. I actually think that applies to men, too (that if a man has to pursue a woman, she probably isn't really into him and maybe ends up dating him until someone else comes along). Don't be a consolation prize. If you have been around this guy for a while and he's given no subtle clues that he is interested in you, then you need to move on.

The amazing guy is no longer with her for a reason. Do you know who dumped who?

Sounds like the woman from Gone Girl. And she was batshit crazy.

Everybody has flaws and imperfections. Often, those of us who are the most pristine on the outside, have the darkest skeletons in our closet.

Just be yourself, OP.

Because we were all talking and I got to see her for myself, and because a mutual acquaintance gushed about her cooking (and then I stalked her Instagram and saw the restaurant-ready food myself), and I admittedly looked at her Facebook.

You're right, I know the correct decision here is to love and accept who I am, but it's so hard

That's great that she's all those things. Maybe these things apply to her too:

1. her bathroom is a mess
2. she's a mini-stalker with a jealous streak
3. she only showers every three days
4. she farts a lot and they're smelly
5. she parks in handicapped spaces
6. laughs like a hyena
7. picks her nose and ass crack when she thinks nobody can tell

Stop looking at her Instagram. Go do something to make yourself a better person, and enjoy all the riches you have.

How do you know so much about her?

Just started trying to woo an incredibly awesome man in my social circle, and then encountered his most recent ex-girlfriend at a party. I am completely intimidated, she is the kind of girl who would be the protagonist in a YA novel. We are all in our late twenties.

Let's go through her insane list of attributes:

- amazing body, very physically fit
- all natural beauty (relaxed and lovely and natural, not high maintenance or fake)
- incredibly nice person
- witty
- as well-read as I am or even better-read
- went to HYP
- very good job
- very cultured
- amazing amateur pastry chef and cook
- has a microbrewery in her home
- very good flirt
- very socially popular
- comes from a rich family
- has an adorable and enviable life, as shown by her Instagram
- life of the party
- someone any girl (including me if I wasn't so jealous) would want to be friends with, and any man would want to date : /

I have spent Sunday eating cake, drinking wine and being disheartened. I don't have a chance with the object of my affection. I found out the only reason they broke up was because she found someone else.