While a gentle approach is helpful, it is important to let your child know if you have strong feelings on certain aspects. As noted by others, ability to pay and consequences of loans/ no loans, schools with merit aid, etc. should be discussed early. Similarly, if you will not pay for certain schools, that must be shared. For us, we made it clear that we prefer DC not go out to the West Coast unless there was a specific advantage to attending a school he could be accepted to there that he couldn't otherwise attend closer. We didn't preclude DC from applying there, but we didn't offer to take him out to look at schools there. Fortunately, DC had similar thoughts.

I agree that you need to rule out schools you can't afford, right from the start, unless you condition it on getting substantial merit aid. I'd add what several musicians with national reputations (for classical music at least) told my older DC who is now in college: do not go to a music conservatory because they turn out lots of very talented grads who will never be able to support themselves because the number of grads exceeds the number of jobs. Go to a liberal arts college, major in music or art, but get the BA that will make you employable in other fields.

I read OP as saying you should wait to rule out schools that you don't like because of the educational philosophy/frat scene/reputation as being a school for spoiled rich kids.

I have one in college and another just starting the process, and I agree with this. DC1 was all over the place, between junior year and the fall of senior year, in terms of planned majors and dream schools. OP is right, it's not worth investing parental capital arguing this early in the game.

Anonymous wrote:Get out of the way completely and don't weigh in on school choices until the very end. Reserve your veto for one school, two at the most, at the moment applications are being made. Our DD cycled through a lot of college options. She considered some schools that we would really have hated for her to attend. But we didn't say anything because we didn't want it to become a power struggle. She would consider the school and then come to the realization on her own that it wasn't a good idea. This happened several times and it took patience for us to hold our tongues. By the time she was actually applying there was only one school on her list we weren't comfortable with and we said so. Because we had not been over involved and pushy, she actually considered our reasoning and readily agreed. She ended up at a school that would not have been our first choice at the beginning of the process but she knew herself and it has been perfect -- academically and socially. She is happier than she ever was in high school and is getting a fantastic education.

I know there are a lot of parents who can't help themselves and justify their over involvement by saying that they will have to pay for it. But if you sit back and wait, your DC will most likely reach the right conclusions for them. If you push to hard they may pick a college for all the wrong reasons.

Just a thought.

Some of us just can't sit back and wait. I don't want my DC to go down the path knowing we won't be able to afford 60k/year school. Then what?

I let my kids navigate but you better believe I do research on my own. I speak for no one else's children but mine may not explore in depth the statistics of campus violence (off and on), the surrounding areas and availability of off campus location(s) of resources and activities that might appeal to DC, the detailed research of airlines that offer best rates and different travel options, etc, etc. You get my point.

I do and have done the dirty work. Sure, given time DCs would/will probably figure it out but if I can ease some of the burden now and provide information, that is what I do. Let them concentrate on getting to know the school, socializing, acclimating. If I can make the process a bit easier, doggone right I will make a reasonable contribution.

Thanks

Get out of the way completely and don't weigh in on school choices until the very end. Reserve your veto for one school, two at the most, at the moment applications are being made. Our DD cycled through a lot of college options. She considered some schools that we would really have hated for her to attend. But we didn't say anything because we didn't want it to become a power struggle. She would consider the school and then come to the realization on her own that it wasn't a good idea. This happened several times and it took patience for us to hold our tongues. By the time she was actually applying there was only one school on her list we weren't comfortable with and we said so. Because we had not been over involved and pushy, she actually considered our reasoning and readily agreed. She ended up at a school that would not have been our first choice at the beginning of the process but she knew herself and it has been perfect -- academically and socially. She is happier than she ever was in high school and is getting a fantastic education.

I know there are a lot of parents who can't help themselves and justify their over involvement by saying that they will have to pay for it. But if you sit back and wait, your DC will most likely reach the right conclusions for them. If you push to hard they may pick a college for all the wrong reasons.

Just a thought.