RHinVA wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

No, it's really not obvious. People in abusive relationships are living in an isolated bubble and they have no idea what "normal" is. Coming here and talking about it is an excellent way to validate feelings, confirm suspicions, be genuinely surprised to find out that not all husbands are like that. I'm glad that you've never had to experience what the Op has and you should appreciate it. But please understand that people post because they need to, because they're afraid and they have no one else to turn to, not because they're stupid.

OP here. Yeah, I don't know if it is abusive or just seriously bad, but I do know that I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about it because I feel ashamed and I don't want to try to figure out how to walk back from it if we stay together. Obviously I love DH, and I do want to stay with him if we end the rudeness/aggression/jerkiness. But I have doubts whether that can happen. The ironic part is that HE is dead set against splitting up because his parents' divorce traumatized him.

Anonymous wrote:You need a time out. (NOT LIKE A LITTLE KID TIME OUT.)

Call a friend, or sister, or parent and say you need some time away. Go for a few day, relax, take sometime to regroup.

Yeah, thinking about this. But I don't want to be away from my kid right now.

Anonymous wrote:The way you explain it, it sounds like he was just stomping and bull-rushing out the door because he was in a bad mood. I wouldn't say that equates with an intentional push to cause harm.

That said, if he's a jerk that's an issue you can and should address. Unclear.

I'm certain it was intentional, but somewhat less of an "intentional push to cause harm." Still, it was a use of physical force.

Oh, forgot to add that DH comes from an abusive background - his dad used to beat him up until he got big enough to fight back in his teens. I have never asked, but fairly sure his dad must have also hit his mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Obviously not. We have a small son and divorce would be difficult on many levels. I think most people understand the desire to avoid divorce if possible.

Ah makes sense. I agree it's so much better to live with someone who pushes you and who you admit is an extremely difficult person to live with. You guys are excellent role models for your son. Glad you are getting some therapy for yourself at least. Sounds like you need it.

You are seriously clueless.

I don't get people who reflexively say "divorce" as if it's so easy with a child. you realize that the father would likely get 50/50 custody. The mother goes from being in her son's life 100% of the time to 50% of the time, with no knowledge or influence over what happens in that 50% of the time. None. That is not an easy decision to make, nor one that might be in the best interest of the child.

Definitely go to therapy by yourself to help figure out what to do.
I have 2 friends who are married to men like you describe your husband to be. They both stayed. One ended up getting her finger broken while she held her baby when her husband whacked her with a phone for interrupting him while he was talking to someone. He also at one point smashed a birthday cake his children made him. Eventually he went to court mandated anger management classes. He mellowed out as the kids got older and his wife is fairly happy now.

The other friend's kids have issues, even though he never actually struck her. They've been traumatized by living with a hard-to-please, moody man who treats their mom like crap. Divorce isn't always the worst alternative.

You need a time out. (NOT LIKE A LITTLE KID TIME OUT.)

Call a friend, or sister, or parent and say you need some time away. Go for a few day, relax, take sometime to regroup.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Obviously not. We have a small son and divorce would be difficult on many levels. I think most people understand the desire to avoid divorce if possible.

Ah makes sense. I agree it's so much better to live with someone who pushes you and who you admit is an extremely difficult person to live with. You guys are excellent role models for your son. Glad you are getting some therapy for yourself at least. Sounds like you need it.

You are seriously clueless.

Dump him.

The way you explain it, it sounds like he was just stomping and bull-rushing out the door because he was in a bad mood. I wouldn't say that equates with an intentional push to cause harm.

That said, if he's a jerk that's an issue you can and should address. Unclear.

Ignore PP - clearly a horrible person. I am so sorry that happened to you. I had a friend who's husband became increasingly rude/impatient after the kids were born, and eventually they got past it (w/out counseling). Although, it would be huge if your husband eventually agreed to go to counseling, because there are so many tools and techniques that can be taught. It makes for such a happier life and marriage. I believe timing is everything and continuing to approach your husband when the timing feels right (when he's in a good mood) to discuss a counseling may be the most helpful approach. In the meantime, maybe you alone could seek out a marriage therapist, and start going to sessions until he comes around. End of the day, you have a son, and it seems you understand the gravity of the decision facing you.

OP, I'm sorry. Really. You shouldn't have to live like that. I know it must hurt a lot to be in this situation. I think it's hard to know when enough is enough. The PP is not terribly sympathetic.

It's hard to end any relationship, even a bad one. I wish you strength. I believe you will feel a great deal of relief when you are able to make a decision to end this relationship, but only you will be able to do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Obviously not. We have a small son and divorce would be difficult on many levels. I think most people understand the desire to avoid divorce if possible.

Ah makes sense. I agree it's so much better to live with someone who pushes you and who you admit is an extremely difficult person to live with. You guys are excellent role models for your son. Glad you are getting some therapy for yourself at least. Sounds like you need it.

Anonymous wrote:So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

Obviously not. We have a small son and divorce would be difficult on many levels. I think most people understand the desire to avoid divorce if possible.

So get divorced. These posts are so stupid. "He shoved me. He's a jerk. He's always been tough to live with but now he's getting worse. What do I do?!" Is the answer really not obvious?

DH was mad about having to do drop off this morning and shoved me to the side as he walked down the hall. Not shoved like with his hands but with his body, not hard enough to fall over, but hard enough that it wasn't an accident.

I don't know what to do. He has become increasingly more rude to me over the past few months. He is just an extremely difficult person to live with in the best of circumstances.

This was in front of our son, too. I don't think he realized what was happening.

Of course DH refuses to go to counseling. I just told him that I was going to start seeing a therapist and that I would be trying to figure out if I should leave.

Help.