This is OP, thanks everyone for the responses. It helps to know other people feel this way since I feel like it's rarely mentioned as an issue or else just in a jokey way like "haha does anyone else want to see my cervix."

I had a bit of a break (waiting for PGD) but although I felt better being away for a while, I got very anxious/depressed thinking about getting back into everything for the transfers. But I feel like until I do them they are just hanging there over my head so better to forge ahead. Anyway I have 2 embryos and after them I am DONE no matter what the outcome is so that makes it seem manageable.

I do hope that if it does work, it's not going to feel like pregnancy is a continuation of all this yuckiness. Maybe it's mostly all inside my head, since I definitely have some antagonism towards my RE / feel they are in a predatory industry... hopefully I will feel friendlier towards my OB? Also I feel like I will need to launch some kind of a campaign to reclaim my crotch and have sex without feeling gross about that too (poor husband)...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a break to feel whole again. Your body has been through a lot.

+1 I know it seems that time is running out, but a 2 month break would help. Bonus if you have the money to take a vacation.

I am not the OP but someone who feels how OP feels. One month break is good for the body to recover physically, hormones especially, after each IVF cycle. However, breaks and vacations do not cause any benefit in terms of feeling less icky since the reality does not change.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a break to feel whole again. Your body has been through a lot.

+1 I know it seems that time is running out, but a 2 month break would help. Bonus if you have the money to take a vacation.

I am not the OP but someone who feels how OP feels. One month break is good for the body to recover physically, hormones especially, after each IVF cycle. However, breaks and vacations do not cause any benefit in terms of feeling less icky since the reality does not change.

I load up on massages, facials, hot baths, wine, etc between treatments.

Anonymous wrote:You definitely need a break to feel whole again. Your body has been through a lot.

+1 I know it seems that time is running out, but a 2 month break would help. Bonus if you have the money to take a vacation.

I feel ya OP. It bugs me that "women's health" is really just all about the crotch. I would recommend you take a breather but I know how it is - your mind is on this topic all the time so escape is really nonexistent. I drank a lot of hot tea and wine during my treatments to combat stress (I know that sounds terrible), and the cycle that I drank the most wine ended up working LOL.

Do you take any magnesium supplements? Good for anxiety and neural health and safe during pregnancy too.

No advice other than keep your mind on the goal!

I felt the same way. No good advice here, but know that you are not the only one that feels this way.

OP, I find that the physical stuff is less of an issue than I thought--but if I started feeling that I would be taking a Valium before each procedure, even an ultrasound.

I always avoided anti-D meds and the stronger anti-anxiety ones (SSRIs don't work for me) but having Valium on hand has been a godsend in the worst moments. Luckily it seems I don't have any tendency toward addiction. Some women like Xanax, some take Klonopin--having something you can take on an episodic basis, like, just before you have people up in your ladyparts, may help you get past this so you can get through it and to the other side sooner.

One comfort for me is that though it was a lot of strangers for the RE stuff, for each pregnancy (3 m/cs) it's been ONLY my OB. And if it's not her it's going to be one of her partners. And NO WAY will I be in a teaching hospital where students or residents will be there.

It is a totally normal and understandable way to feel. Fertility treatments take a lot out of you physically and mentally.
And then even if it works, you are only at the beginning of a marathon of pregnancy, childbirth, and raising small kids. I'm exhausted just remembering it.

I would say get some rest and take care of yourself as best you can. If the holidays are going to stress you out, re-think how to simplify and take the pressure off.

OP, thanks for posting this. I feel the same. 4 RE's so far. 2 surgeries. 7 IVFs. 4 IUIs. I feel very angry that people are just messing up with my body and I am paying money for that. I am not depressed. I am just angry that nothing works despite all this.

Well-having a baby once you do get pregnant is just more of the same--all those appointments and checkups and childbirth itself is a bunch of strangers all up in your crotch... It's just how it is...it is kind of tiresome, but it's all worth it when you do finally have success. I hope you can not think about it so much and just focus on the goal....

You definitely need a break to feel whole again. Your body has been through a lot.

I'm not new to all this (3 IVFs in the past year) but lately I am feeling so disgusting and violated by all these procedures, particularly the ones involving anything getting threaded through the cervix. I feel like I have hit my tolerance limit on strangers messing with my body, but I am at a stupid place to quit (have frozen PGD normal embryos for the first time). But when I think of how many more times my vagina has to be cranked open and how many more people will be digging around up there - I have to do a fluid sonogram and pretty sure there will be polyps that need to go, then the transfer then maybe another transfer - uughhh I just want to scrub my entire body with a stiff brush and then curl up under a rock and cry. What do I need, therapy? Xanax? A break? So far the longer I am on a break the more weird and gross all this seems and the more depressed I feel about starting it up again...